Bicycles
Two-wheeled exercise machines invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
Bump
The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
Deafness
This is a malady that affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
Dog Bed
Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
Drool
It is what you do when your persons have food and you don’t. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
Garbage Can
A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
Lean
Every good dog’s response to the command “sit !”, especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
Leash
A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
Love
Is a feeling of intense affection given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky a human will love you in return.
Sofas
Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
Thunder
This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
Wastebasket
This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.
Blamestorming
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Ego Surfing
Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one’s own name.
Swiped Out
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. (And it only happens when you only have $.23 cents in your wallet)
GOOD Job
A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Tourists
People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. “We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”
Beepilepsy
The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.
SnailMail
“REAL” mail that the post office actually sends PS. In the US, Personal snail mail has dropped 10% last because of email.
Starter
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce. Marriage with no kids, no property and no regrets.
SITCOMs
What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Mouse Potato
The online, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato. ARE YOU ONE?
Anonymiss
The act of forgetting someone’s name immediately upon being introduced.
Crough
To cough during a play or concert, causing other people around you to cough.
Jennamnesia
To be so drunk as to forget you’re the President’s daughter.
Bobbityboo
Mental distress in males inspired by thoughts of surgically-removed penises.
Spaffle
Completely cooked waffle iron runoff.
Smealth
The ability to secretly leave behind body odor in an elevator to be blamed on the next person who enters.
Algoria
Finding one’s Day Planner suddenly very, very, open.
Massturbation
Group phone sex.
Dopplersation
A discussion held by two people who are continuing to move away from each other.
Afterblow
The compulsive need to review the contents of one’s handkerchief following a good nose-blow.
Spillisecond
The fraction of a second in which one may recover a toppled beverage before any liquid spills out.
Algebrassierism
The compulsion to spend time in math class spelling “BOOBIES” on an upside-down calculator.
Doglet
Any breed of dog so small it can be terrorized by the average-sized house cat.
Squee-Squee
The curved line on a windshield caused by a little nick in an old wiper blade.
Chainsaw Consultant
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Cube Farm
An office filled with cubicles.
Idea Hamsters
People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Computer Potato
The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs (Single Income, Two Children, Outrageous Mortgage)
What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
Squirt the Bird
To transmit a signal to a satellite.
Starter Marriage
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Stress Puppy
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped Out
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Xerox Subsidy
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.
Airplane
What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.
Alien
What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
Apple
Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
Baby
Dad, when he gets a cold.
Mom’s youngest child, even if he’s 42.
Bathroom
a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning.
“Because”
Mom’s reason for having kids do things which can’t be explained logically.
Bed and Breakfast
Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
Carpet
Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.
Car Pool
Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar.
China
Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.
Cook
Act of preparing food for consumption.
Mom’s other name.
Couch Potato
What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.
Date
Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
Drinking Glass
Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
Dust
Insideous interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.
Dust Rags
See “DAD’S UNDERWEAR.”
Ear
A place where kids store dirt.
Eat
What kids do between meals, but not at them.
Empty Nest
See “Wishful Thinkng.”
Energy
Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
Excuse Me
One of Mom’s favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.
Eye
The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be “put out” by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.
Fable
A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
Food
The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question “What’s for dinner tonight?” See “Sarcasm”.
Frozen
A type of food.
How hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.
Garbage
A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.
Geniuses
Amazingly, all of Mom’s kids.
Gum
Adhesive for the hair.
Hamper
A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
Handi-Wipes
Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
Hands
Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.
Hindsight
What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
Homemade Bread
An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.
Ice
Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
Inside
That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.
“I Said So”>BR?
Reason enough, according to Mom.
Jackpot
When all the kids stay at friends’ homes for the night.
Jeans
Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.
“JEEEEEEEEZ!”
Slang for “Gee Mom, isn’t there anything else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?”
Joy Ride
Going somewhere without the kids.
Junk
Dad’s stuff.
Ketchup
The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.
Kiss
Mom medicine.
Lake
Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.
Lemonade Stand
Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.
Lie
An “exaggeration” Mom uses to transform her child’s papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.
Losers
See “Kids’ Friends”
Makeup
Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look “like a tramp.”
Maybe
No.
Milk
A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it’s turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
“MOMMMMMMM!”
The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
Mush
What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food.
Main element of Mom’s favorite movies.
Nails
A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.
Panic
What a mother goes thru when the darn wind-up swing stops.
Ocean
What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.
Open
The position of children’s mouths when they eat in front of company.
Overstuffed Recliner
Mom’s nickname for Dad.
Penitentiary
Where children who don’t eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.
Pets
Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.
Piano
A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.
Purse
A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find beacuse they’re buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.
Quiet
A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
Raincoat
Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it’s in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear “the geeky thing.”
Refrigerator
Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.
Room Mother
A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.
School Play
Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reinactments of famous historic events.
Screaming
Home P.A. system.
Snowsuits
Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.
Soap
A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.
Spit
All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids’ faces.
Spoiled Rotten
What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.
Sweater
Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds, fly and even pneumonia.
Sunday Best
Attractive, expensive children’s clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.
Teacher Conference
A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child’s “special needs.”
Terrible Two’s
Having both kids at home all summer.
“That Way”
How kids shouldn’t look at moms if they know what’s good for them. Also applies to how they talk.
Towels
See “Floor Coverings”
Tramp
A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.
Trouble
Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.
Umpteenth
Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.
Underwear
An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
Utopia
See “Bubble Bath”
Vacation
Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.
Vitamins
Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be “Just like Daddy.”
Walls
Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
Washing Machine
Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.
“When your father gets home…”
Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.
XOXOXOXO
Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid’s lunch box even more mortifying.
Xylophone
Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long! See also “DRUMS”
Yard Sale
Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell kids’s outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can’t bear to part with.
“YIPPEE!”
What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months. See also “YAHOO!”
Zillion
Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already this week.
Zucchini
Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.