# Bad Luck and Chain Letters

If you send this message off to 20 people within the next 4 days, and each of them send this letter off to 20 other people within 4 days…

In 40 days, approx. 10 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet.

From day 40 to day 44, an additional 200 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet, at an average of 50 trillion messages per day.

From day 44 to 48, an additional 4,000 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet, at an average of 1,000 trillion messages a day, 41.7 trillion messages per hour, 694 billion messages per minute, or 11.6 billion messages per second.

Of course, the Internet will have ground to a complete halt way before then, and a good thing too, because by day 44 (assuming each man, woman and child in the world is tied to the Internet) you would have to respond to about 2 chain mail letters per second, sending off 20 responses each second, giving you 5/100 of a second to send each message. If you drop the ball, you will break about 1,800,000 chain letters per day, bringing
almost two million times the bad luck upon yourself than if you broke the first chain letter to begin with.

The logical conclusion? It is better to break the initial chain letter and receive one dose of bad luck than to continue the chain letter, and by day 44, receive 1,800,000 doses of bad luck.

I knew one poor fellow who ended up in such a circumstance. He ended up having 287,345 heart attacks, losing 5,137 wives, got fired from at least 100,000 jobs, and was run over by a truck. His Visa card was also revoked. Nobody liked him anymore. He finally ended up committing suicide 459 times, but he was so unlucky, he was never successful. Finally, he resigned to the idea of not dying, and was immediately hit by a meteorite and vaporized. But his cells went on to experience even more bad luck.

# The Email Wonderland

Another “ping”,
Are you listenin’?
The puter screen,
Is a glistenin’.
With icons so bright,
They light up the night,
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

Gone away,
Are the hall talks.
Here to stay,
Is the IN-BOX.
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

In the morning e-mails start to add up.
No lunch today cause messages abound.
Just click away and hope the server stays up.
You can’t do your job if it goes down.

10 P.M.,
You’re not tired.
The caffeine,
Has got you wired.
The day’s not complete,
Till the last delete,
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

In the morning e-mails start to add up,
No lunch today cause messages abound.
Just click away and hope the server stays up.
You can’t do your job if it goes down.

Until you,
Are retired,
The same old grind,
It is required.
You’ll face unafraid,
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland

# Important Warning!

Everyone is always sending warnings about viruses, people trying to drug you in the street, people trying to scam use of your mobile phone…the list goes on. I don’t usually forward many of these kinds of emails, but this warning came to me today from a very reliable source and I feel compelled to warn my female friends!! (By the way, the reason some men were sent this is so that they can warn the women in their lives as well.)

WARNING !!!!!

If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your tits, DON’T DO IT!!

This is a scam, and he is only trying to see your tits.

# I Have Mail

Like every other techie, I couldn’t wait to get my hands on the just released, state-of-the-art, 128-bit, 128 giga-RAM, 96x, 24/7, in your face, out of your control Microself Windows 2015. Yes, that was me at the front of the line in our local Get-a-Life Software store, waiting, waiting, for the moment when the future went on sale. And now that the future is installed in my computer, there’s no looking back.

To be truthful, I don’t use computers. They use me. They use me as a portal between the glittering new world of information and the mundane world where ordinary people have to eat and talk and sometimes be sad. Computers use my nimble fingers to unlock their codes, releasing raw information into the ether. Taking my mission as seriously as I do, I wanted the most up-to-the-second tool on the market. And that’s why, the day after I installed Windows 2015, I was back at Get-a-Life buying the upgrade, Windows 2015, version 2.0.

With Windows 2015 2.0, I don’t process information. I download it into my body. Using Windows’ revolutionary US-ME serial port installed in my navel, I plug myself into my computer. Like the umbilical cord that fed me when I was mere flesh, the US-ME cable feeds raw data straight into my bloodstream. There it flows until it reaches the central processing unit I used to call my brain. And there, Windows’ revolutionary Brain Bot – a tiny microchip embedded in my cerebrum — turns that raw data into wisdom that makes me smarter, richer, and so much wiser than the rest of you.

Did you know that the capital of Uganda is Kampala? That Soupy Sales had a lion puppet named Pookie? That the square root of 3 is 1.732? And that today’s kids will spend 23 years of their lives on the Internet swimming through vital data like this? O, it’s a changing world, my friend. When you leave your Silicon Valley job for two weeks of R & R, take a cruise to Antarctica, step onto an ice floe and see penguins crowded around a laptop checking out The Weather Channel, get worried!

But I’m not worried, I’m wired. Wired to the upgraded upgrade I bought last weekend. Windows 2015 3.0 is the one with HandPrint, the printer driver that drives my digital age. Using HandPrint, I don’t need an ordinary printer. I just click a button on my wrist and my hand begins scrolling across a blank page printing my raw data in any of 1,257 perfect fonts. The moving hand writes, and having writ, gives way to ear-mail.

I know, I know. You all have e-mail accounts. You can e-mail Bill Gates if you want. The Pope. Your dog if you’re on vacation in Antarctica. But only Windows 2015 4.0, which I bought yesterday, has ear-mail.

When I hear a voice from the ether saying “You’ve got mail!” I run to the nearest phone. Then I run my ear-mail cord from the phone to an input implanted below my left ear. Within seconds, I’m hearing the mail read by a soothing voice that sounds a little like James Earl Jones on Prozac. To reply, I simply speak my answer, press the same button on my wrist, and presto. I unplug and go back to my daily duty of becoming richer, smarter, and wiser. There’s also a wireless version of e-mail but that won’t come out until version 5.0 is released tomorrow. I plan to get in line at Get-a-Life sometime before midnight.

But where, you ask, is this wireless world headed? To be truthful, I’m not sure, but it sure is fun. Perhaps when I’m even richer, smarter, and wiser than I am now, thanks to Windows 2015 6.0 due out this weekend, I’ll have an answer. Until then, you’ll have to excuse me. I have mail.

# Heavenly Email

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When she returned, she told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not.” He thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.”

So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time, too. When the angel returned she went to God and said, “Yes, the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good.” God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good because He wanted to encourage them…. give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said……. ?

You didn’t get one either, huh?

# Heights of Email

• HEIGHTS OF REPETITON: You forwarding an email to someone and receiving the same email forwarded from him to you.
• HEIGHTS OF ISOLATION: Two persons sitting side by side using emails to communicate with each other.
• HEIGHTS OF COWARDNESS: Two persons fighting through emails.
• HEIGHTS OF HELPLESSNESS: You recieving no emails for a week.
• HEIGHTS OF IDLENESS: A person using email tool all the time.
• HEIGHTS OF FRUSTATION: The email server being down.
• HEIGHTS OF CARELESSNESS: Writing an intimate email and doing a reply all.
• HEIGHTS OF ACHIEVEMENT: A person sending the email to a girl wanting to become friends and getting a reply.
• HEIGHTS OF HEIGHTS: A person sending an email to himself.

# Greetings, Earthling!

Greetings Earthling …

I am a silicon based life form from a galaxy far, far away, visiting your P.C. I have transformed myself into this email. As you are reading it, I am having sex with your eyeballs.

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Oh god that feels good!

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I especially enjoy it when you scroll down on me.

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That’s it . … . keep scrolling.

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Don’t stop!

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Click it baby, click it!

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Faster

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Faster

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more ooohh yeahh

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harder

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give it to me , just like I like it

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Faster

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F A S T E R !

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That was amazing!

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You are the best I’ve had yet. And I know you enjoyed it too because you are smiling. Do you know how I know that you’re smiling? ‘cos I can see you.

Now please pass me on to someone else because I’m really horny

# Beware of Greeks Bearing Gifts

FROM: laocoon@d…
TO: all

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY!

The “gift” is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned.

DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children.

If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.

FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

Poseidon

—–

FROM: hector@s…
TO: laocoon@d…

Laocoon,
I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is. I’ve seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the “Midas Touch.”

Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax:

1. This “Forward this message to everyone you know” crap. If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans?
2. Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.
3. It’s signed “from Poseidon.” Granted he’s had his problems with Odysseus but he’s one of their guys, isn’t he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.
4. Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.

Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you’ve been around the block a couple times you’ll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.

Bye now,
Hector

# The Forwarders 12 Step Program

1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON’T forward an email!
2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria’s Secret doesn’t know anything about a gift certificate they’re supposed to send me.
4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail … NEVER –NEVER !!
7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me \$100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN’T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.
9. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!
11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don’t believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!

Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out!

Just Kidding…

# The E-Mail Blessing

Peace be unto you, your computer and the e-mail you receive this day.

May the mail you receive not require you to multiply it tenfold or return it within a limited time frame.

May the mail you receive not require you to take action to prove your love, friendship, or concern for the welfare of the sender.

May the mail you receive not start with Fw Fw Fw, not contain strangely named attachments and contain a “<” for every “>”.

May the mail you receive not require you to look closely at those on the playground to see if they are the non-missing children You are to be searching for.

May the mail you receive not cause you to change your eating habits to avoid plagues, pestilence and the eating of parts of things that you can’t buy at Wal-Mart.

May the mail you receive not encourage you to carry a steel plate on which to sit in theaters or other public places.

May the mail you receive not encourage you to learn the 800 number for the National Missing Child Bureau, Center for Disease Control or the FCC.

May your inaction to the mail you receive not cause the Death of monks, missionaries, mothers or the misguided.

And above all may peace and harmony be yours until Tomorrow.