Category Archives: Light Bulbs

Changing a Light Bulb

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How Many Church Members
Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

  • Charismatics
    Only one. Hands already in the air.

  • Roman Catholics
    None. They use candles.

  • Pentecostals
    Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

  • Presbyterians
    None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.

  • Episcopalians
    Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.

  • Mormons
    Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

  • Unitarians
    We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

  • Baptists
    At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and also one to provide a casserole.

  • Lutherans
    None. Lutherans don’t believe in change.

How Many Lawyers Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

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Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer”, and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb”, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

  1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
  2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
  3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons
authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as “Partnership.”

How Many Members of Your Sign Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

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  • ARIES:
    Just one. You want to make something of it?

  • TAURUS:
    One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

  • GEMINI:
    Two, but the job never gets done-they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it’s supposed to be done!

  • CANCER:
    Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.

  • LEO:
    Leos don’t change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they’re out.

  • VIRGO:
    Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

  • LIBRA:
    Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

  • SCORPIO:
    That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

  • SAGITTARIUS:
    The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

  • CAPRICORN:
    I don’t waste my time with these childish jokes.

  • AQUARIUS:
    Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so….

  • PISCES:
    Light bulb? What light bulb?

The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes

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  • Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.

  • Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
    A’: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.

  • Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None ‘o yo’ fuckin’ business!
    A’: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.

  • Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.

  • Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
    A’: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

  • Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None. That’s a hardware problem.
    A’: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
    A”: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.

  • Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. That’s a software problem.
    A’: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.

  • Q: How many FSE’s does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
    A: Who can tell. FSE’s are always in the dark.
    A’: 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
    Note: FSE’s are “Field Service Engineers.”

  • Q’: How long will it take?
    A’: That’s indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they’ve brought with them.

  • Q”: What if you have *two* dead bulbs?
    A”: They replace your fuse box.

  • Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: As many as you want; they’re all virtual, anyway.

  • Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None. There’s a primitive for that.

  • Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: That’s proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).
    A’: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
    A”: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it.

  • Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.

  • Q: How many `Real Men’ does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None: `Real Men’ aren’t afraid of the dark.
    A’: None of your damn business!

  • Q: How many `Real Women’ does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None: A `Real Woman’ would have plenty of real men around to do it.

  • Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None. (“That’s all right…I’ll just sit here in the dark…”)

  • Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.

  • Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!

  • Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Silly, WASPs don’t screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.

  • Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

  • Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

  • Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don’t last as long as light bulbs.

  • Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

  • Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.

  • Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: Three, but they’re really only one.

  • Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.

  • Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.

  • Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

  • Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: That’s not funny!!!

  • Q: How many ‘Cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: It’s “Radcliffe Women” and it’s not funny!

  • Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

  • Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
    A’: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

  • Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.

  • Q: How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Three:
    One to write the light bulb removal program,
    one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
    one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

  • Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Both of them.

  • Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: A tree in a golden forest.
    A’: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
    A”: One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
    A”’:None. Zen masters carry their own light.

  • Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Billions and billions.

  • Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

  • Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

  • Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!

  • Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

  • Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
    A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

  • Q: How many [IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only, “This page intentionally left blank,” and 20% of the definitions are of the form “A <...> consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks.”
    A’: Just one, provided there’s an engineer around to explain how to do it.

  • Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.

  • Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say “Fabulous.”

  • Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

  • Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.

  • Q: How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.

  • Q: How many strong does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.

  • Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

  • Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??
    A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple…
    Notes: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983

  • Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None. It turned itself in.

  • Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: How many can you afford?
    A’: It only takes one to change your bulb…to his.
    A”: Lawyers don’t change bulbs. Now if you’re looking for someone to really screw a bulb…

  • Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: The entire team! And they all get a semester’s credit for it!

  • Q: How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.

  • Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None. There never *was* any light bulb.
    Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.

  • Q: How many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: The question is irrelevant since you couldn’t find the dolls even if you knew how many.
    Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls

  • Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!

  • Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: —- You should have hit “n!”

  • Q: How many “pro-lifers” does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.

  • Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed.

  • Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
    A’: Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.
    A”: None. Frat boys screw in puddles of vomit.

  • Q: How many Harvard grads does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.

  • Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
    A’: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

  • Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
    A: This topic was resumed from last week’s discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile…

  • Q: How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None; assholes never see the light anyway.

  • Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
    A’: Only one. “Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?”

  • Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: About one third less than for a regular bulb.

  • Q: How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.

  • Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?

  • Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb.
    Notes: Ugh!

  • Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: “Oh wow, is it like dark, man?”

  • Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: I’ll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

  • Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him.

  • Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: 151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace. (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight. They consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.)

  • Q: How many editors of Poor Richard’s Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?
    A: Many hands make light work.

  • Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000

  • Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
    A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.

  • Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: At least three. (Notes: think height!)

  • Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Only one. They don’t like to share the spotlight.

  • Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: 10,000 – to give the bulb a cultural revolution.

  • Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: All of them.

  • Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say “Sock it to Me.” (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from Laugh In .)

  • Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
    A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I’ll fake it.
    A’: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list.

  • Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

  • Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.

  • Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.

  • Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!

  • Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.

  • Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

  • Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: one.

  • Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.

  • Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.

  • Q: How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: To get to the other side.

  • Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None. It’s left to the reader as an exercise.
    A’: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.
    A”: One. He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.
    A”’: In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes:

    • Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
      A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke…
      In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb.
      If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb.
      Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb.

      Bibliography:
      [1] Wiener, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, _Re: YALBJ_, 1986

    • Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: We don’t know. They never get past the feasibility study.

    • Q: How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
      A: None, because people who glow in the dark don’t need light bulbs.
      Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.

    • Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle… and one to change the bulb.

    • Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it’s already burned out).
      A’: It’s out?? *Sell my G.E. stock NOW!*

    • Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan’s light bulb?
      A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.

    • Q: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: Depends on what you want to change it into.

    • Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too.

    • Q: How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: “Twelve. Ya got a problem with that?”

    • Q: How many surgeons does it take to replace a light bulb?
      A: 3. We’d also like to remove the socket as you aren’t using it now.

    • Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.

    • Q: How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark.

    • Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.

    • Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: There is nothing to change.

    • Q: How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
      A: None. Televangelists screw in motels.

    • Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: Fewer and fewer all the time.

    • Q: How many believable, competent, “just-right-for-the-job” presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: It’s going to be a dark 4 years, isn’t it?

How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

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  • Golden Retriever: The sun is shining. The day is young. We’ve got our whole lives ahead of us. And you’re inside worrying about a stupid, burned-out light bulb?
  • Border Collie: Just one. Not only that, but I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
  • Dachshund: I can’t reach the lamp!
  • Toy Poodle: I’ll just talk sweet to the Border collie and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
  • Rottweiler: Go ahead! Make me!
  • Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. What are servants for?
  • Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
  • Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.
  • Doberman Pinscher: While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.
  • Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
  • Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
  • Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there…
  • Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
  • Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
  • Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

How Many Mail List Subscribers….

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Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,331:

  • 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.
  • 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
  • 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
  • 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
  • 53 to flame the spell checkers.
  • 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its appropriateness to this mail list.
  • 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
  • 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.
  • 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
  • 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts**are** relevant to this mail list.
  • 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
  • 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
  • 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
  • 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
  • 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add “Me Too.”
  • 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
  • 19 to quote the “Me Too’s” to say, “Me Three.”
  • 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
  • 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
  • 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
  • 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.