Category Archives: Seasonal

Christmas Party Blues

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FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone RE: Christmas Party DATE: December 1

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols — feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2 RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy
now?

FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3 RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table … you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7 RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and intimacy during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps Luigi’s can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8 RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice…what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the burning of sage by our “earth-based
Goddess-worshipping” employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. Okay???

FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9 RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan,” there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.” It’s a tradition, folks, like sugar
shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine’s Day. Could we lighten up?

FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10 RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes…but you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream, I’m hearing them scream right now!

FROM: Karen Jones, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14 RE: Pat Smith and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Smith a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Chanuk-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas.

Office Conduct During the Christmas Season

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To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

  1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
  2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)
  3. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
  4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.
  5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

  6. Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah humbug.”

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have
a Happy Holiday.

You Just Might Be A Scrooge

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  • If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon — you just might be a Scrooge.
  • If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away — you just might be a Scrooge.
  • If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas — you just might be a Scrooge.
  • If your favorite version of “A Christmas Carol” stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton — you just might be a Scrooge.
  • If your favorite version of “Babes in Toyland” stars Michael Jackson — you just might be a Scrooge.
  • If your favorite version of “The Nutcracker” stars Andrew Golata — you just might be a Scrooge.
  • If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night — you just might be a Scrooge.
  • If you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts — you just might be a Scrooge.
  • If your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon – you just might be a Scrooge.
  • If your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park – you just might be a Scrooge.
  • If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log – you just might be a Scrooge.
  • If you think “Ho, Ho, Ho” is a line from a Rocky movie — you just might be a Scrooge.
  • If your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat – you just might be a Scrooge.
  • If you use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets — you just might be a Scrooge.
  • If your favorite version of “Silent Night” is sung by OJ Simpson — you just might be a Scrooge.
  • If your favorite version of “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas” is sung by the KKK choir – you just might be a BIGOT Scrooge.
  • If your favorite past time is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors’ string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn caricatures with egg nog – you just might be a Scrooge.
  • And, finally – if your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin – you just might be a Scrooge.

Notice to All Employees

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To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

  1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is strongly discouraged.
  2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (It runs up an incredible long distance phone bill.)
  3. Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah humbug.”
  4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.
  5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
  6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than…

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Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman
  • A Christmas tree doesn’t care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
  • Christmas trees don’t get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
  • A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
  • You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
  • A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you look up underneath it.
  • When you are done with a Christmas tree, you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
  • A Christmas tree doesn’t get jealous around other Christmas trees.
  • A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you watch football all day.
  • A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.
Why Is A Christmas Tree Better Than A Man
  • A Christmas tree is always erect.
  • Even small ones give satisfaction.
  • A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
  • A Christmas tree always looks good – even with the lights on.
  • A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
  • A Christmas tree has cute balls.
  • A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.
  • You can throw a Christmas tree out when it’s past its ‘sell by’ date.
  • You don’t have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

X-Files Christmas

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24. December 1999 – 57 Elm Street, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania – 11:51P.M.

Scully, we’re too late. It’s already been here.

Mulder, I hope you know what you’re doing.

Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with bows of holly; stocking hung by the chimney with care.

You really think someone’s been here?

Someone, or something.

Mulder, over here, It’s fruitcake.

Don’t touch it! Those things can be lethal!

There’s a note attached: “gonna find out who’s naughty and nice.”

It’s judging them, Scully. It’s making a list.

Who? What are you talking about?

Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year just after the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.

But that’s legend, Mulder, a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely you don’t believe it?

Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive and in a hurry.

It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder this milk glass has been completely drained.

It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.

But why would they leave it milk and cookies?

Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.

But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There’s no sign of forced entry.

Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.

Wait a minute, Mulder. If you’re saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down this chimney, you’re crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide, nothing could get through there.

But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?

You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?

Exactly. …Scully, I’ve never told anyone this but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshaped head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I’ll never forget the horror. I turned away and, when I looked back, it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.

Impossible.

I know what I saw. And that night, it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a Mr. Potato Head.

I’m sorry, Mulder, but you’re asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you’re saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out they’ll close the X-files.

Scully, listen to me: It knows when you’re sleeping. It knows when you’re awake.
But we have no proof.

Last year on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected a bogey in the airspace over twenty seven states. The White House ordered a condition red.

But that was a meteor shower.

Officially. Two days ago eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo in Washington D.C. Nobody, not even the zoo keeper was told about it. The government doesn’t want people to know about Project Kringle.

They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There’s too much at stake.. They’ll do what ever it takes to insure another silent night.

Mulder…

Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear? On the roof. It sounds like … a clatter.

The truth is up there. Lets’s see what’s the matter….

Ways To Annoy A Roommate At Christmas

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  • Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and thrash on the floor.
  • Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa’s lap. Refuse to get off.
  • Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you’re wearing it.
  • Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, “Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town…”
  • Hang mistletoe in the doorway. When your roommate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.
  • Hang a stocking with your roommates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say, “You’ve been very naughty this year.”
  • Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
  • Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (ie, “You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.”)
  • Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.
  • Sing: “All I want for Christmas is my roommate’s two front teeth…”
  • Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.
  • Build a snow person with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn’t come to life, cry hysterically: “It didn’t work!”
  • Whip your roommate screaming: “Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc.”
  • Tear down all your roommate’s Christmas decorations yelling, “Bah Humbug!”
  • Wake up every morning screaming, “Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!”
  • Tell your roommate you’re moving out. Santa’s buying you a house on 34th Street.
  • Pin a poinsettia to your lapel.
  • Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.
  • Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roommate’s friends, “Give it a yank.”
  • Ring jingle bells maniacally saying “every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.”
  • Stand in front of the mirror in your underwear reciting, “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” over and over.
  • Smoke mistletoe. Do what comes naturally.
  • Watch your roommate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up, sing, “He sees you when you’re sleeping…”
  • Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roommate asks, tell him/her, “I had to let them stay here, there’s no room at the inn.”
  • When your roommate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her possessions. Tell him/her that Santa’s elves must have done it.

  • Take some miniature marshmallows and put them in a little baggie. Attach a note to the bag that has a picture of a snow man and this poem:
    ‘You have been naughty, and here’s the scoop:
    All you get is the snowman’s poop!’
    Or you could have a picture of a reindeer with cocoa puffs for reindeer poop for your roommate.

Valentine Signatures

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The folks at American Greetings have compiled a list of lines to use when signing you valentine…. depending on your personality.

  • Bold — face it, you want me.
  • Clever — IOUXOXO
  • Cosmic — Didn’t we know each other in another time and place?
  • Dreamy — I never believed in love at first sight until you.
  • Enchantress — A valentine spell has been cast on you!
  • Femme Fatale — You cannot escape. I have ways to make you mine.
  • Athletic — How about a little one-on-one?
  • Musical — Always a love song in my heart for you.
  • No-nonsense — What are you waiting for?
  • Old fashioned — My mother warned me about guys/girls like you.
  • Sarcastic — Hey! I signed the card. What else do you want?
  • Scientific — The chemistry between us is definitely affirmative.
  • Self-assured — Be my valentine. “NO” is not an option.
  • Silly — You’re hotter than a jalapeno sandwich!
  • Wild Child — You are twisted and slightly dangerous. I like that in a person.
  • Worldly — Je t’aime! (translation from French “I love you”)

A Redneck’s Ode to His Valentine

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Kudzu is green,
my dog’s name is Blue
And I’m so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue’s
And without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
Which excite me in May.
You ain’t got no scales
But I luv you anyway.

You’re as graceful as okry
Jist a-dancin’ in the pan.
Yo’re as fragrant as SunDrop
Right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth,
For which I am proud;
I hold my head high
When we’re in a crowd.

On special occasions,
When you shave yore armpits,
Well, I’m in hawg heaven,
I’m plumb outta my wits.

And speakin’ of wits,
You’ve got plenty fer shore.
‘Cuz you married me
Back in ’74.

Still them fellers at work
They all want to know,
What I did to deserve
Such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo’re there fer yore man,
To patch up life’s troubles
And stick ’em in the can.

Yo’re as strong as a four-wheeler
Racin’ through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger
Named Naomi Judd.

Yo’re as cute as a junebug
A-buzzin’ overhead.
You ain’t mean like no far ant
Upon which I oft’ tread.

Cut from the best pattern
Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life
Like a Rattletrap shad.

When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.

Yore complexion, it’s perfection,
Like the best vinyl sidin’.
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin’.

And when you get old
Like a ’57 Chevy,
Won’t put you on blocks
And let grass grow up heavy.

Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie
With a RC cold drank,
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine’s Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
It’s romantic that way.

Some men git roses
On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
“That’s impressive,” I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
“Diamonds are forever,”
They explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
These will not do.
For you are too special,
You sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
Without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds
it’s a new ridin’ mower.

Valentine Dreams

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After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know on Valentine’s Day.” he said.

On Valentine’s Day, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it – to find a book entitled….

“The Meaning Of Dreams.”