- Slowly begin to reintroduce harmful foods. Suggestions are potato chips, pizza with extra cheese, white bread, milk, coffee or coke, milk shakes from edible oil products, fried chicken, french fries deep fried in beef fat, eggs from chemically-raised chickens, steak with barbecue sauce and a small portion of overcooked vegetables. Throw in a couple of chocolate bars to insure an optimum toxin level.
- Eat very few raw fruits and vegetables. If you must eat vegetables, make sure the life has been cooked out of them. The best fruits are canned and preserved in sugar syrup.
- Give your juice machine away. Drink bottled or canned juices with vegetable oils. Canned vegetable juice is fine because all the enzymes have been destroyed through pasteurization.
- Swallow food whole. Use butter as a lubricant. Deep fried foods will require less chewing.
- Eat as much as you possibly can at one sitting. This conditions the muscles that support the stomach to expand, accommodating an increased volume of food.
- Avoid fiber at all cost. If forced to eat whole wheat flour, pick the bits of bran from the bread. This will allow the food to pass more slowly through the intestine so the body may absorb optimal toxic chemicals.
- Do not exercise. Exercise oxygenates the cells and triggers the lymphatic system that cleans the body. Try to remain in an inactive horizontal position.
- Snack regularly during the night so as to curb the body’s natural tendencies to detoxify during sleep.
Category Archives: Diet/Exercise
You Know It’s Time To Diet When…
- You dance and it makes the band skip.
- You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
- You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
- You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
- Your driver’s license says, “Picture continued on other side.”
- You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
- You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
- You could sell shade.
- Your blood type is Ragu.
- You need an appointment to attend an ‘open house’.
My Appetite is My Shepherd
My appetite is my shepherd, I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly
Sometimes during the night.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating,
For the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me.
For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously.
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me
All the days of my life
And I shall be “pleasingly plump” forever.
How to Lie to the Bathroom Scale
- Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner…as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it’s nice to see how much weight you’ve lost overnight.
- Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
- When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don’t forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.
- Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off…to your advantage, of course.
- Always go to the bathroom first.
- Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter. (Waving them is optional but occasionally helps!)
- Don’t eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you’ve weighed in, completely naked, of course.
- Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).
- Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?)
- Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it’s worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you’d stepped on normally.
Guaranteed Diet
A fellow was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
“Guaranteed. Yeah right!” he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there’s a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a
pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, “I like the way this company does business!”
The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 pounds as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me, you can have me.”
He’s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 pounds as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. “Are you sure?”, asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.”
“Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.”
The next day there’s a knock at the door and when he opens it he find Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,——–
“If I catch you, I can have you.”
The Gift of Exercise
For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it.
I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
- Day 1
They suggest I keep this “exercise diary” to chart my progress this week.Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She’s something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added ten points.
Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT!
- Day 2
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven’s sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT!! - Day 3
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn’t try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen.Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me
live longer. I can’t imagine anything worse. - Day 4
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can’t help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word “dumb” must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men’s room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank. - Day 5
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya, I don’t have triceps. And if you don’t want dents in the floor don’t hand me any barbells.I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?
- Day 6
Got Tanya’s message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel - Day 7
Well, that’s the week. Thank God that’s over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a free upper-colon exam or gum surgery.
A Loose Guide on Exercising
- It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at 85 years old, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.
- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.
- I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Have not lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.
- I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.
- I figure if God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on our body.
- I have flabby thighs, fortunately my stomach covers them.
- The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
To Exercise or Not to Exercise
- The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
- I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
- I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently the gimmick is you have to show up.
- I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
- I don’t exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
- The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
A Dieter’s Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there
While Mama in her my girdle and I in chin straps
had just settled down to sugar-borne naps
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
tore open the icebox then threw up the sash
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
sent thoughts of a binge to my body below
When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick
The sweet-coated santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
now dash away pounds now dash away all
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
my clothes were all bulging from too much excess
My droll little mouth and my round little belly
they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk
And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
if temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
in the morning I’ll starve…’til I take that first bite!
Excuses for Eating
Everybody has a good excuse for not attending church. If you take those excuses and apply them to other things we do (or don’t do), like eating, they might look like this list:
- I was forced to eat as a child.
- People who eat all the time are hypocrites; they aren’t really hungry.
- There are so many different kinds of food, I can’t decide what to eat.
- I used to eat, but I got bored and stopped.
- I only eat on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.
- None of my friends will eat with me.
- I’ll start eating when I get older.
- I don’t really have time to eat.
- I don’t believe that eating does anybody any good. It’s just a crutch.
- Restaurants and grocery stores are only after your money.