Ways to Survive Even the Dullest of Sermons

  • Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.
  • See if a yawn really is contagious.
  • Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the priest.
  • Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.
  • Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with ‘A’ then ‘B and so on through the alphabet. You may get stuck on ‘Q’ and ‘X’ though…
  • Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.
  • Using church notice-sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
  • Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
  • Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory.
  • Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favourite hymn.
  • If the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
  • Pretend to be 4 years old.
  • Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.
  • By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt inside out.
  • Try to raise one eyebrow.
  • Crack your knuckles.
  • Think about your chin for an entire minute.
  • Twiddle your thumbs.
  • Twiddle your neighbours thumbs.
  • Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.
  • Practice smiling insincerely.

Ways to Get Rid of Telephone Solicitors

Bizarre things to say and do to a telephone solicitor to get him to hang up and leave you alone:

  • “So, what are you wearing?”
  • Talk very quietly and then without warning, scream as loud as you can into the phone.
  • “You’ll have to excuse me now, my armpit is on fire.”
  • “I’m sorry, but this phone is for personal calls only. The boss won’t let us use it for business.”
  • Respond to their questions with fax/modem noises.
  • “Have you heard about that study showing that it can cause impotence to sit all day with a telephone receiver next to your head?”
  • When they ask to speak with you, say “Just a moment,” and give the phone to your six-year old child to carry on the conversation.
  • Pretend to be very interested in their product and then quite calmly and earnestly inquire, “Yes, but can it make a six minute casserole?”
  • “I am truly sorry but the moon is in the seventh house of Pluto and my astrologer would just die if he knew I was talking to a salesman during this solar phase.”
  • “This isn’t a recording. This isn’t a recording. This isn’t a recording. This isn’t a recording.”

Top 98 Ways To Order A Pizza

Posted on Rec.Humor By: Robert Wilson (robert_wilson@chiphead.vaxxine.com)
  1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
  2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
  3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
  4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
  5. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”
  6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you’re going with the lowest bidder.
  7. Give them your address, exclaim “Oh, just surprise me!” and hang up.
  8. Answer their questions with questions.
  9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
  10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
  11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
  12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” CD.
    “Chop your pizza on a mirror!”
    “Master! Master! Put pepperoni on my pizza!”
    “Gimme pizza! You will do what I say, when I say Gimme pizza!”
  13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
  14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.”
  15. Stutter on the letter “p.”
  16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (If phoning Domino’s, ask for a CheeserCheeser!)
  17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
  18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
  19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
  20. Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
  21. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
  22. Change your accent every three seconds.
  23. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
  24. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say “Bed-Wetters’ Camp, right?”
  25. Start your order with “I’d like…” A little later, slap yourself and say “No, I don’t.”
  26. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say “OK. That’ll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.”
  27. Rent a pizza.
  28. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
  29. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
  30. Put the accent on the last syllable of “pepperoni.” Use the long “i” sound.
  31. Have your pizza “shaken, not stirred.”
  32. Say “Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say “Well, so is this! You’ve got some explaining to do!” When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, “Do you know what it’s like to be lied to?”
  33. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
  34. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
  35. Imitate the order taker’s voice.
  36. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
  37. When they say “What would you like?” say, “Huh? Oh, you mean now.”
  38. Play a guitar in the background.
  39. Say it’s your anniversary and you’d appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
  40. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
  41. Ask to see a menu.
  42. Quote Carl Sandberg.
  43. Say you’ll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
  44. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
  45. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
  46. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
  47. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
  48. Shout “I’m through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!”
  49. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say “Where was I? Who are you?”
  50. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
  51. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
  52. Order two toppings, then say, “No, they’ll start fighting.”
  53. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included.
  54. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn’t mean it.
  55. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he’s fired.
  56. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
  57. Use expletives like “Great Caesar’s Ghost” and “Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town.”
  58. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
  59. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, “I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.”
  60. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
  61. Try to talk while drinking something.
  62. Start the conversation with “My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and… action!”
  63. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
  64. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
  65. Be vague in your order.
  66. When they repeat your order, say “Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.”
  67. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
  68. After ordering, say “I wonder what THIS button on the phone does.” Simulate a cutoff.
  69. Start the conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be my last entry.”
  70. State your order and say that’s as far as this relationship is going to get.
  71. Ask if they’re familiar with the term “spanking a pizza.” Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
  72. Say “Kssssssssssssssht” rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
  73. Detect the order taker’s psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
  74. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
  75. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
  76. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
  77. Perfect a celebrity’s voice. Stress that you won’t take any crap from some two-bit can’t-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
  78. Put them on hold.
  79. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
  80. Mumble, “There’s a bomb under your seat.” When asked to repeat that, say, “I said ‘sauce smothered with meat’.”
  81. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say “No mushrooms, please.” Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
  82. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say “You just don’t get it, do you?”
  83. When you’re given the price, say “Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.”
  84. Haggle.
  85. Order a one-inch pizza.
  86. Order term life insurance.
  87. When they say “Will that be all?”, snicker and say “We’ll find out, won’t we?”
  88. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
  89. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
  90. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
  91. Engage in some serious swapping.
  92. Dance all around the word “pizza.” Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say “Please don’t mention that word.”
  93. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell “OW!” when a bullet is fired.
  94. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
  95. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
  96. Order a steamed pizza.
  97. Get taker’s name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, “This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so.” Hang up.
  98. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, “Last guy let me do it.”

Ways to Make Your Neighbor Move

  • Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don’t have a phone.
  • Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and scream, “I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!”. Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants, while watering the bad ones.
  • Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (i.e., chairs, books, lamps, etc.)
  • Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say, “Mine are full of bodies,” then stutter and say, “I uh mean other garbage,” walk away laughing hysterically.
  • Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close state that there is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards.
  • At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, “looks like they’re on the move again.”
  • When they’re watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn and a drink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too.
  • Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbors each day hack off a different part of their body.
  • Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside. If asked why, say you protest such programs. (The more educational the program the better.)
  • Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make markers out of household appliances.

50 Fun Things to do in a Mall

by Alan Meiss

Note: Any resemblance of names in this article to actual large powerful corporations capable of destroying mere mortal humans like sparrows in a jet turbine is, um, pure coincidence. Really.

  1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
  2. Try pants on backwards at the Grap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
  3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shlock.
  4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Heckory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
  5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream “MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!”
  6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
  7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.
  8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger Queen…
  9. …but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they’re “astronaut food”.
  10. Follow patrons of D. Balton’s around while reading aloud from Dianetics.
  11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
  12. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it’s a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, “You mean you really can’t see it?”
  13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Snears.
  14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
  15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.
  16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
  17. If you’re patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
  18. Sprint up the down escalator.
  19. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the “hidden picture”.
  20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.
  21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
  22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
  23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there’s much meat on them.
  24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
  25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
  26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
  27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.
  28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
  29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, “I see London, I see France…”
  30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
  31. Play the tuba for change.
  32. Ask the Hamond organ dealer if he can play “Jesus Built My Hotrod”.
  33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
  34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will “give you a really wicked buzz”.
  35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have “any giant crap made out of straw”.
  36. “Toast” plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
  37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
  38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.
  39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing “Saved by the Bell”. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
  40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling “scratch one flattop!”
  41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are “leakproof”.
  42. “Play” the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
  43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
  44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they’re real.
  45. If it’s Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap.
  46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say “Domino’s.”
  47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
  48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
  49. Show people your driver’s license and demand to know “whether they’ve seen this man.”

  50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn’t turned blue yet.

An Ultimate M&M Challenge

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointer, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd.

Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 USA, along with a 3×5 card reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.”

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this “grant money.” I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one…

How To Get Rid of Telemarketers



“Hello! Mr. Michaels?”


“How are you today?”

“OK so far…”

“My name is Debbie from Pointless Industries, and I’m calling to offer you a fabulous new offer that we are offering….”

“Who is this really?”

“My name is Debbie from—“

“How did you get this number?”

“Well.. you are on our list of preferred—“

<urgent whisper> “Listen to me, and listen good! You tell Hugo and his goons I lived up to my end of the deal! I cut up the bodies like he said, I ditched the car like he said, now I’m out of it, understand? You tell him he bothers me or my family again and I take everything I know to the Man, and don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about!”

<hang up>

How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity

  • At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
  • Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
  • Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
  • Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “in”.
  • Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to


  • In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors”.
  • Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with the prophecy.”
  • Dont use any punctuation marks
  • As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
  • Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
  • Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”.
  • Sing along at the opera.
  • Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
  • Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
  • Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
  • Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Rock.
  • When the money comes out the ATM, scream “I won!”, “I won!” “3rd time this week!!!!!”
  • When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “run for your lives, they’re loose!!”
  • Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
  • Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like


How to Get Even With Someone

  • Garage Sale
    Place an ad in the classified section of your local newspaper advertising a GIGANTIC Garage Sale listing the address of your victim. Advertise televisions, cam-corder, vintage automobile, antiques, etc. Sale begins at 6:00 a.m. all items in the backyard, just come around back and come early!
  • X-Rays at Airports
    Purchase a large adult bedroom toy. Wrap it in a large amount of tin foil. Secretly hide it in a piece of the victims carry on luggage. As it goes through the airport x-ray machine the contents of the device will be shielded by the tin foil and will be unwrapped and inspected by airport security officials. An absolute classic…
  • Oil Spot
    At night pour used oil underneath the victim’s car while parked in the driveway. Pour enough that will be alarming. Continue to do this each night. The subject will spend great deals of money trying to get the oil leak repaired time and time again. I have even heard of a person buying a new car after the repeated attempts at repair. Imagine their surprise when that new car starts leaking too.
  • Flat Tire
    Very similar to the Oil Spot, but with a twist. Let most of the air out of one of your victim’s tires. Keep doing this each night, and watch as they call a tow truck or the Automobile Club day after day. Odd how those new tires keep losing air, too.
  • Paper Money
    Write a sexually oriented solicitation message, victim’s name and phone number (inviting a phone call) on the edge of several pieces of paper money before spending them. The victim will receive many eye popping inquiries. Another favorite…
  • Fax Machines
    Write whatever you wish on 9 pages of 8 1/2 by 11 inch paper and tape them together (end to end). Dial the victim’s fax number and start sending the pages through. After page two has been transmitted, tape the top of page 1 to the bottom of page 9 making a continuous loop. The document will continue to cycle until the victim’s fax machine has run out of paper. Be sure and disable your phone number from being printed on the fax and also disable caller I.D. This prank is great to get even with a business or individual who has somehow cheated you. This can have same results as Oil Spot.
  • Dogs
    Purchase a silent dog whistle. In the early hours of the morning (2am-4am) go near the victim’s house and blow the silent whistle and the dog will begin to bark uncontrollably until the owner awakes and disciplines the animal. When the owner goes back to bed repeat the process again.

Pranks to Play in Space

  • Contact NASA by saying, “Whitney Houston, we have a problem!”
  • Spike the Tang with Folger’s Crystals.
  • Paste a “Hyundai” logo on the main control panel.
  • Tape photo of Keith Richards to window and then tell crew, “There’s a hideous Martian outside the ship!”
  • Dump sewage tank over Iraq.
  • Fill someone’s oxygen tank with Heinz’ Homestyle Beef Gravy.
  • Ring doorbell on Mir Spacestation; quickly float away.
  • Hide the experimental bee hive in someone’s space suit.
  • Sneak action figure from “Alien” movies aboard, then pretend it pops out of your stomach during dinner.
  • Egg the moon.