Women’s English

  • Yes
  • No
  • Maybe
  • I’m sorry.
    You’ll be sorry.
  • We need
    I want
  • It’s your decision
    The correct decision should be obvious by now.
  • Do what you want
    You’ll pay for this later.
  • We need to talk
    I need to complain
  • Sure… go ahead
    I don’t want you to.
  • I’m not upset
    Of course I’m upset, you moron!
  • You’re … so manly
    You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
  • You’re certainly attentive tonight
    Is sex all you ever think about?
  • Be romantic, turn out the lights
    I have flabby thighs.
  • This kitchen is so inconvenient
    I want a new house.
  • I want new curtains
    and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…..
  • Hang the picture there
    NO, I mean hang it there!
  • I heard a noise
    I noticed you were almost asleep.
  • Do you love me?
    I’m going to ask for something expensive.
  • How much do you love me?
    I did something today you’re really not going to like.
  • I’ll be ready in a minute.
    Kick off your shoes and find a game on TV.
  • Is my butt fat?
    Tell me I’m beautiful.
  • You have to learn to communicate.
    Just agree with me.
  • Are you listening to me!?
    Too late, you’re dead.
  • Was that the baby?
    Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
  • I’m not yelling!
    Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

Travel Agent Terms

  • Old world charm
    Room with no TV, radio and only 1 light.
  • Tropical
  • Majestic setting
    A long way from town, at end of dirt road.
  • Options galore
    Nothing is included in the price.
  • Secluded hideaway
    Directions to locate unclear.
  • Some budget rooms
    Sorry, already occupied.
  • Explore on your own
    At your own expense.
  • Minutes From ???
    By Plane
  • Romantic
    No Phone in room
  • Knowledgeable trip hosts
    They’ve flown in an airplane before.
  • No extra fees
    No extras available.
  • Bird Watchers Paradise
    Your car’s paint will never be the same
  • Nominal fee
    Outrageous charge.
  • Standard
  • Deluxe
    Barely Standard.
  • Superior accommodations
    One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap.
  • All the amenities
    Two chocolates, two shower caps.
  • Just Like Home
    No Maid service
  • Plush
    Both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes.
  • Gentle breezes
    In hurricane alley.
  • Light and airy
    No air conditioning.
  • Picturesque
    Theme park nearby.
  • 24-hour bar
    Ice cubes at additional cost (when available).

Politically Correct Sayings

  • Drunk = Spacially Perplexed
  • Insane People = Comprehensibility Selective
  • Insane People = Selectively Perceptive
  • Bisexual = Sexually Non-preferential
  • Bald = Folically Challenged
  • Bald = Comb-Free
  • Girl = Pre-Woman
  • Short = Vertically Challenged
  • Airhead = Reality Impaired
  • Sarah Brightman = Alternatively Talented
  • Dead = Metabolically Challenged
  • Poor = Economically Deficient
  • Poor = Economically Unprepared
  • Slum = Economic Oppression Zone
  • Hunter = Animal Assassin
  • Old People = Gerentologically Advanced
  • Homeless = Optionally Residential
  • Hooker = Sexual-Care Provider
  • Hooker = Sex Surrogate
  • Housewife = Domestic Technician
  • Handicapped = Differently Abled
  • Deaf = Visually Oriented
  • Blind = Photonically Non-receptive
  • Drug Addict = Chemically Challenged
  • Ugly = Attractively Impaired
  • Obnoxious = Charismatically Impeded

A Paronomastic’s Dictionary

  • Allege
    A high rock shelf
  • Arson
    Our daughter’s brother
  • Author
    A person who is usually write
  • Autobiography
    A history of cars
  • Avowal
    a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y
  • Backward
    Patient rooms at the rear of a hospital
  • Bassinet
    What every fisherman wants
  • Belong
    To take your time
  • Carpet
    A dog who enjoys riding in a automobile
  • Coffee
    Break Fluid
  • Comma
    What a medium falls into
  • Complaint
    A grief resume
  • Condescend
    A prisoner escaping down the wall using a rope
  • Deduce
    De lowest card in de deck
  • Denounce
    Words that name things, not de verbs, de adjectives, etc.
  • Document
    Repeating what your doctor told you in your own words
  • Dogma
    A mother dog
  • Eclipse
    What a gardener does to your hedge
  • Earthquake
    A topographical error
  • Falsehood
    Someone who pretends to be a gangster
  • Feast
    An eat wave
  • Flattery
    Phony express
  • Fission
    What Huck Finn did when he played hookey
  • Gentle
    Reproductive organ
  • Geometry
    What the acorn said when it grew up
  • Grateful
    What it takes to build a good fire
  • Handicap
    A ready-to-use hat
  • Hanging
    A suspended sentence
  • Hari-Kari
    Transporting a wig
  • Hunger
    What the posse did to the lady rustler
  • Hypochondriac
    A guy who won’t let well enough alone
  • Hypothesis
    What a boy says to his father on the telephone
  • Indecision
    Under the whether
  • Intense
    Where campers sleep
  • Ketchup
    What the runners behind in a race want to do
  • Kinship
    Your brother’s boat
  • Laundress
    A gown worn while sitting on the grass
  • Legend
    The edge of a cliff
  • Midget
    Center engine of a three-engine fast plane
  • Minimum
    A very small mother
  • Nitrate
    Cheapest price for calling long distance
  • Observatory
    What Washington asked his spies to do
  • Pandemonium
    A housing development for pandas
  • Paradise
    Ivory cubes used in craps and backgammon
  • Paradox
    Two physicians
  • Paraffins
    Found on the sides of fish
  • Paralyze
    Two untruths
  • Praise
    Letting off esteem
  • Protein
    An advocate of teen-agers rights
    Lady of the street too young to vote
  • Rampage
    Section of a book about male sheep
  • Sarcasm
    Quip lash
  • Sherbet
    A tip on a horse race or sporting event
  • Skier
    A person who jumps to contusions
  • Sleet
    A slipcover
  • Stirrup
    What you do with cake batter
  • Subsidy
    A town underneath another town
  • Tenure
    A year after nineure
  • Thursday
    How you feel crossing the desert on a hot day
  • Unabated
    A fishhook without a worm
  • Valorous
    A big animal vit tusks vot lives in vater
  • Vanguard
    A person who protects trucks
  • Violinist
    A high-strung musician
  • Warehouse
    What you ask when you’re lost
  • Washable
    What a cowboy does very carefully
  • Wholesale
    Where a gopher goes to buy a home

New Terminology

  • Father
    A banker provided by nature.
  • Boss
    Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
  • Smile
    A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
  • Rumor
    News that travels at the speed of sound.
  • Dictionary
    The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
  • College
    A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
  • Ecstasy
    A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
  • Office
    A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
  • Yawn
    The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
  • Etc.
    A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
  • Committee
    Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
  • Classic
    A book which people praise, but do not read.
  • Marriage
    It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master’s.
  • Worry
    Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
  • Experience
    The name men give to their mistakes.
  • Tears
    The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
  • Atom Bomb
    An invention to end all inventions.
  • Philosopher
    A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
  • Diplomat
    A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
  • Optimist
    A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
  • Pessimist
    A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY
  • Miser
    A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
  • Criminal
    A guy no different from the rest… except that he got caught.
  • Politician
    One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
  • Doctor
    A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
  • Software Engineer
    Someone who is paid for reading this !!!

New Terms for the 90s

  • Blamestorming
    Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
  • Ego Surfing
    Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one’s own name.
  • Swiped Out
    An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. (And it only happens when you only have $.23 cents in your wallet)
  • GOOD Job
    A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
  • Tourists
    People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. “We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”
  • Beepilepsy
    The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.
  • SnailMail
    “REAL” mail that the post office actually sends PS. In the US, Personal snail mail has dropped 10% last because of email.
  • Starter
    A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce. Marriage with no kids, no property and no regrets.
    What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
  • Mouse Potato
    The online, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato. ARE YOU ONE?
  • Anonymiss
    The act of forgetting someone’s name immediately upon being introduced.
  • Crough
    To cough during a play or concert, causing other people around you to cough.
  • Jennamnesia
    To be so drunk as to forget you’re the President’s daughter.
  • Bobbityboo
    Mental distress in males inspired by thoughts of surgically-removed penises.
  • Spaffle
    Completely cooked waffle iron runoff.
  • Smealth
    The ability to secretly leave behind body odor in an elevator to be blamed on the next person who enters.
  • Algoria
    Finding one’s Day Planner suddenly very, very, open.
  • Massturbation
    Group phone sex.
  • Dopplersation
    A discussion held by two people who are continuing to move away from each other.
  • Afterblow
    The compulsive need to review the contents of one’s handkerchief following a good nose-blow.
  • Spillisecond
    The fraction of a second in which one may recover a toppled beverage before any liquid spills out.
  • Algebrassierism
    The compulsion to spend time in math class spelling “BOOBIES” on an upside-down calculator.
  • Doglet
    Any breed of dog so small it can be terrorized by the average-sized house cat.
  • Squee-Squee
    The curved line on a windshield caused by a little nick in an old wiper blade.

More New Words

  • Chainsaw Consultant
    An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
  • Cube Farm
    An office filled with cubicles.
  • Idea Hamsters
    People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
  • Computer Potato
    The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.
  • SITCOMs (Single Income, Two Children, Outrageous Mortgage)
    What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
  • Squirt the Bird
    To transmit a signal to a satellite.
  • Starter Marriage
    A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
  • Stress Puppy
    A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
  • Swiped Out
    An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
  • Xerox Subsidy
    Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

Mom’s Dictionary

  • Airplane
    What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.
  • Alien
    What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
  • Apple
    Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
  • Baby
    Dad, when he gets a cold.
    Mom’s youngest child, even if he’s 42.
  • Bathroom
    a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning.
  • “Because”
    Mom’s reason for having kids do things which can’t be explained logically.
  • Bed and Breakfast
    Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
  • Carpet
    Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.
  • Car Pool
    Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar.
  • China
    Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.
  • Cook
    Act of preparing food for consumption.
    Mom’s other name.
  • Couch Potato
    What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.
  • Date
    Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
  • Drinking Glass
    Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
  • Dust
    Insideous interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.
  • Dust Rags
  • Ear
    A place where kids store dirt.
  • Eat
    What kids do between meals, but not at them.
  • Empty Nest
    See “Wishful Thinkng.”
  • Energy
    Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
  • Excuse Me
    One of Mom’s favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.
  • Eye
    The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be “put out” by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.
  • Fable
    A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
  • Food
    The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question “What’s for dinner tonight?” See “Sarcasm”.
  • Frozen
    A type of food.
    How hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.
  • Garbage
    A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.
  • Geniuses
    Amazingly, all of Mom’s kids.
  • Gum
    Adhesive for the hair.
  • Hamper
    A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
  • Handi-Wipes
    Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
  • Hands
    Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.
  • Hindsight
    What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
  • Homemade Bread
    An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.
  • Ice
    Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
  • Inside
    That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.
  • “I Said So”>BR?
    Reason enough, according to Mom.
  • Jackpot
    When all the kids stay at friends’ homes for the night.
  • Jeans
    Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.
    Slang for “Gee Mom, isn’t there anything else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?”
  • Joy Ride
    Going somewhere without the kids.
  • Junk
    Dad’s stuff.
  • Ketchup
    The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.
  • Kiss
    Mom medicine.
  • Lake
    Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.
  • Lemonade Stand
    Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.
  • Lie
    An “exaggeration” Mom uses to transform her child’s papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.
  • Losers
    See “Kids’ Friends”
  • Makeup
    Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look “like a tramp.”
  • Maybe
  • Milk
    A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it’s turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
    The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
  • Mush
    What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food.
    Main element of Mom’s favorite movies.
  • Nails
    A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.
  • Panic
    What a mother goes thru when the darn wind-up swing stops.
  • Ocean
    What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.
  • Open
    The position of children’s mouths when they eat in front of company.
  • Overstuffed Recliner
    Mom’s nickname for Dad.
  • Penitentiary
    Where children who don’t eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.
  • Pets
    Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.
  • Piano
    A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.
  • Purse
    A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find beacuse they’re buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.
  • Quiet
    A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
  • Raincoat
    Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it’s in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear “the geeky thing.”
  • Refrigerator
    Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.
  • Room Mother
    A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.
  • School Play
    Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reinactments of famous historic events.
  • Screaming
    Home P.A. system.
  • Snowsuits
    Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.
  • Soap
    A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.
  • Spit
    All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids’ faces.
  • Spoiled Rotten
    What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.
  • Sweater
    Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds, fly and even pneumonia.
  • Sunday Best
    Attractive, expensive children’s clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.
  • Teacher Conference
    A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child’s “special needs.”
  • Terrible Two’s
    Having both kids at home all summer.
  • “That Way”
    How kids shouldn’t look at moms if they know what’s good for them. Also applies to how they talk.
  • Towels
    See “Floor Coverings”
  • Tramp
    A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.
  • Trouble
    Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.
  • Umpteenth
    Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.
  • Underwear
    An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
  • Utopia
    See “Bubble Bath”
  • Vacation
    Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.
  • Vitamins
    Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be “Just like Daddy.”
  • Walls
    Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
  • Washing Machine
    Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.
  • “When your father gets home…”
    Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.
    Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid’s lunch box even more mortifying.
  • Xylophone
    Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long! See also “DRUMS”
  • Yard Sale
    Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell kids’s outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can’t bear to part with.
  • “YIPPEE!”
    What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months. See also “YAHOO!”
  • Zillion
    Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already this week.
  • Zucchini
    Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

A Minnesota Guide to Computer Lingo

  • LOG ON: making da vood stove hotter
  • LOG OFF: don’t add no more vood
  • MONITOR: keep an eye on da vood stove
  • MEGAHERTZ: vhen da big log drops on your barefoot in da morning
  • FLOPPY DISK: vhat you get from pilingk too much vood
  • RAM: da hydraulic thing dat makes da voodsplitter vork
  • HARD DRIVE: getting home during most of da vinter
  • PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow season
  • ENTER: come on in
  • WINDOWS: vhat ya shut vhen it gets below zero
  • SCREEN: vhat you gotta fix on da windows during black fly season
  • CHIP: vhat ya munch during Vikings games
  • MICROCHIP: vhat’s left in da bag vhen da chips are gone
  • MODEM: vhat ya did to da hay fields last Yuly
  • DOT MATRIX: Eino Matrix’s wife
  • LAPTOP: vhere da grandkids sit
  • KEYBOARD: vhere ya suppose to hang da keys so da Misses can find em
  • SOFTWARE: da plastic picnic utensils, ya?
  • MOUSE: vhat leaves dem little turds in da cupboard
  • MAINFRAME: da part of da sauna dat holds up da roof
  • PORT: vhere da commercial fishin guys tie up dere boats
  • DOCKING STATION: da same as PORT
  • RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: vhen ya can’t remember how much ya spent on da new deer rifle vhen da wife asks about it

Medical Dictionary

  • Artery
    The study of paintings
  • Bacteria
    The back door of a cafeteria
  • Barium
    What doctors do when patients die
  • Bowel
    A letter like A, E, I, O, or U
  • Caesarean Section
    A neighborhood in Rome
  • CAT Scan
    Searching for Kitty
  • Cauterize
    Made eye contact with her
  • Colic
    A sheep dog
  • D & C
    Where Washington is
  • Dilate
    To live long
  • Enema
    Not a friend
  • Fester
  • Genital
    Not Jewish
  • G.I. Series
    A soldier’s ball game
  • Hangnail
    A coat hook
  • Impotent
    Distinguished, well known
  • Labor Pain
    Getting hurt at work
  • Medical Staff
    A doctor’s cane
  • Morbid
    A higher offer
  • Nitrates
    Cheaper than day rates
  • Node
    Was aware of
  • Outpatient
    A person who fainted
  • Pap Smear
    A parenthood test
  • Pelvis
    A cousin to Elvis
  • Post-operative
    A letter carrier
  • Recovery Room
    A place to do upholstery
  • Rectum
    Dang near killed ’em
  • Seizure
    A Roman emperor
  • Tablet
    A small table
  • Terminal Illness
    Getting sick at a computer
  • Tumor
    More than one
  • Urine
    Opposite of “You’re out”
  • Varicose
  • Vein