- Day 1
Dear Emile, Thanks for da bird in the Pear tree. I fixed it las night with dirty rice an it was delicious. I doan tink the Pear tree would grow in de swamp, so I swapped it for a Satsuma.
- Day 2
Dear Emile, Your letter said you sent 2 turtle dove, but all I got was 2 scrawny pigeon. Anyway, I mixed them with andouille and made some gumbo out of dem.
- Day 3
Dear Emile, Why doan you sen me some crawfish? I’m tired of eating dem darned bird. I gave two of those prissy French chicken to Mrs. Fontenot over at Grand Chenier, and fed the tird one to my dog, Phideaux. Mrs. Fontenot needed some sparring partners for her fighting rooster.
- Day 4
Dear Emile, Mon Dieux! I tole you no more of dem bird. Deez four, what you call “calling bird” wuz so noisy you could hear dem all da’ way to Lafayette. I used they necks for my crab traps, and fed the rest of dem to the gators.
- Day 5
Dear Emile, You finally sent something useful. I liked dem golden rings, me. I hocked dem at da’ pawn shop in Sulphur and got enough money to fix the shaft on my shrimp boat, and to buy a round for da boys at the Raisin’ Cane Lounge.
- Day 6
Dear Emile, Couchon! Back to da birds, you coonass turkey! Poor egg sucking Phideaux is scared to death ah dem six goose. He try to eat they eggs and they pecked the heck out ah his snout. Dem goose are damm good at eating cockroach around da’ house, though. I may stuff one ah dem goose with erster dressing to serve him on Christmas Day.
- Day 7
Dear Emile, I’m gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you. Ole Boudreaux, da mailman, is ready to kill you, too. The crap from all dem bird is stinkin up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and gonna sue him. I let dem seven swan loose to swim on da bayou and some stupid duck hunter from Mississippi done blasted dem out da water. Talk to you tomorrow.
- Day 8
Dear Emile, Poor ole Boudreaux had to make 3 trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids-a-milking & der cows. One of dem cows got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids, me. I told dem to get to work gutting fish and sweeping my shack–but dey say it wasn’t in their contract. They probably tink they too good to skin all dem nutria I caught las night.
- Day 9
Dear Emile, What you trying to do? Boudreaux had to borrow da Cameron Ferry to carry these jumping twits you call lords-a-leaping across da bayou. As soon as dey got here dey wanted a tea break and crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, “Well la di da. You get Chicory coffee or nuthin.” Mon Dieux, Emile, what I’m gonna feed all these bozos? They too snooty for fried nutria, and da cow ate up all my turnip green.
- Day 10
Dear Emile, You got to be out of you mind. If da mailman don’t kill you, I will. Today he deliver 10 half nekkid floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey said they be “ladies dancing” but they doan act like ladies in front of dem Limey sailing boys. Dey almost left after one of them got bit by a water moccasin over by my out- house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde (everybody) and get toilet paper rolls. The Sears catalog wasn’t good enough for dem hoity toity lords. Talk at you tomorrow.
- Day 11
Dear Emile, Where Y’at? Cherio and pip pip. You 11 Pipers Piping arrived today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off da boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef jumbalaya, finished da whiskey, and we’re having a fais-do-do. Da’ new mailman drank a bottle of Jack Daniel, and he’s having a good old time dancing with the floozies. Da’ old mailman done jump off the Moss Bluff Bridge yesterday, screaming you name. If you happen to get a mysterious-looking, ticking package in da mail, don’t open it.
- Day 12
Dear Emile, Me I’m sorry to tell you–but I am not your true love anymore. After the fais-do-do, I spent da night with Jacques, the head piper. We decide to open a restaurant and gentlemen’s club on the bayou. The floozies–pardon me–ladies dancing can make $20 for a table dance, and the lords can be the waiters and valet park da boats. Since da’ maids have no more cows to milk, I trained dem to set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, and run my shrimping business. We’ll probably gross a million dollars next year.
Category Archives: Regional
Only in America…
- Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
- Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
- Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes right up front.
- Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and then top it all off with a DIET coke because they’re concerned about their weight
- Do banks leave the doors open and then chain the pens to the counter.
- Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
- Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have “call waiting” so we won’t miss a call from someone we don’t want to talk to in the first place.
- Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
- Do we use the word “Politics” to describe the process so well: “Poli” (from Latin) means “many”, and “tics”, meaning blood-sucking pests.
- Do banks have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Life as an American…
- A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election.
- We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.
- We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving. And then we won’t buy a car if it can’t go over 100 miles an hour.
- We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues. But we mumble through half the words in the “Star Spangled Banner”.
- We’ll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
- We tie up our dogs while letting our sixteen year old kids run wild.
Note – this story is running rampant around the web. I have done my best to do the homework on these 9. Yes, a couple of them did go on to do great things, but most of them had lives of hardship. The worst mark of disrespect I can show is to leave the false story online and ignore their struggles.
In the Young Irish disorders in Ireland in 1848, the following nine men were captured, tried and convicted of treason against Her Majesty the Queen, and were sentenced to death: Charles Gavan Duffy, William Smith O’Brien, John Mitchel, Patrick O’Donohue, Terence Bellew McManus, Richard O’Gorman, John Blake Dillon, Thomas Francis Meagher, and Thomas D’Arcy Magee.
Before passing sentence, the judge asked if there was anything that anyone wished to say. Meagher, speaking for all, said:
“My lord, this is our first offense, but not our last. If you will be easy with us this once, we promise, on our word as gentlemen, to try to do better next time. And next time — sure we won’t be fools to get caught.”
Thereupon the indignant judge sentenced them four of them to be hanged by the neck until dead and drawn and quartered. Passionate protests from all the world forced Queen Victoria to commute the sentence to transportation for life to far away wild Australia. Of the 9 Irishmen, 5 were exiled to Tasmania (Van Diemen’s Land), three escaped to North America, and Charles Gavan Duffy went into self-imposed exile in Australia. In 1874, word reached the astounded Queen Victoria that Sir Charles Duffy, who had been elected Prime Minister of Victoria, Australia, was the same Charles Duffy who had been transported 25 years before. If this one man had done so well, what happened to the others?
- Thomas Francis Meagher
Originally sentenced to death but had sentence commuted to life in Tasmania.
Escaped and made his way to New York City.
Joined the US Army at the start of the Civil War and rose to Brigadier General.
Appointed acting governor of the Montana Territory.
- Terrence McManus
Originally sentenced to death, his sentence was commuted to life in Tasmania.
He escaped and made his way to San Francisco, California.
- Patrick O’Donoghue
Was sentenced to death but had his sentence commuted to life in Tasmania
Published the first Irish Nationalist paper in Australia.
Suffered great hardship in Tasmania and escaped to San Francisco. He died 2 years later in poor circumstances in New York.
- Richard O’Gorman
Escaped prosecution in Ireland by escaping to New York.
Set up a law practice and was eventually appointed to the Supreme Court of New York.
- William Smith O’Brien
Sentenced to death, but had his sentence commuted to life in Tasmania.
Though he had been a politician and member of British Parliment, after his pardon, he never again was active in politics.
- Thomas D’Arcy McGee
Escaped trial by pretending to be a priest.
Moved to Montreal where he was elected the mayor and then to Canadian Parliment.
Became the Minister for Agriculture in Canada.
- John Mitchel
Sentenced to life in Tasmania for his part in the 1848 Irish Rebellion.
Escaped and made his way to San Francisco.
Set up several newspapers.
Returned to Ireland in 1875 where he ran for Parliment. He won – twice – but was not eligible to take the seat he fought so hard for because he was a convicted felon.
- John Blake Dillon
Avoided trial in Ireland by escaping to New York disguised a priest.
Became a lawyer and set up a practice in New York with Richard O’Gorman.
Returned to politics and was elected Westminster Parliment.
EU Directive 456179
In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of theUnited Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase “Spending a Penny” is not to be used after 31st December 2001.
From this date, the correct terminology will be: “Euronating”.
Thank you for your attention.
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, “Where have you been?”
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael, look what I’ve made”.
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”
“It’s a planet,” replied God “and I’ve put Life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”
“Balance?”, inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,” God continued, pointing to diffrent countries. “This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”
The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a large landmass and said, “What’s that one?”
“Ah,” said God.”That’s Finland, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets, and rolling hills. The people from Finland are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.”
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,”What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!”
God replied wisely, “Wait until you see the idiots I’m putting next to them in Sweden and Russia.”
Real Questions About Australia
These questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Web site and the answers are the actual responses by the web site officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.
- Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
- Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK.)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
- Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
- Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.
- Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
- Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of //Europe//. Aus-tra-li-a is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.
- Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
- Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.
- Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
- Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
- Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs
- Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
- Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.
Tips for Traveling in Alabama
- Rasslin’ is not fake. Don’t dare whisper otherwise unless you want a kind-hearted Alabamaian to fix your busted head with duct tape.
- Grapefruit is not a substitute for biscuits and gravy.
- Richard Petty, Dale Earnhardt and Elvis are good ole boys. Jeff Gordon ain’t.
- Turkey hunters actually curse Noah for letting coyotes and armadillos on the Ark.
- If you hear a turkey gobble, get out of the way. Some view that sound like pay-off bells at a slot machine.
- Don’t be surprised if an obituary mentions that the deceased requested to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of.”
- “Y’all come back now, ya here,” is a temporary statement. We love Yankees to visit, but darn (or worse) Yankees are those who decide to stay.
- If you decide to stay in Alabama and bear children, don’t think we will accept them as Alabamaians. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn’t call ’em biscuits.
- If you hear some use the word FIX or FIXIN’, and it isn’t in the sense that they are repairing something. Example: I’m FIXIN’ to go to the store…. or “Y’all FIX me a coke in there will ya!” This is a valid part of Alabama grammar and is taught regularly in our English classes at school.
You Know You Are in Arizona When…
- You’ve signed so many petitions to recall governors you can’t remember the name of the incumbent.
- You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
- You no longer associate bridges or rivers with water.
- You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.
- You can hear the weather forecast of 115 degrees without flinching.
- You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour…and it will be over 100 degrees.
- You discover, in July it only takes two fingers to drive your car, because your steering wheel is so hot.
- You can make sun tea instantly.
- You run your a/c in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace.
- The best parking is determined by shade…..not distance.
- You realize that “Valley Fever” isn’t a disco dance.
- Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.
- It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation and yet all the streets are totally empty of both cars and people.
- You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
- Sunscreen is sold year round, kept right at the checkout counter.
- Sunscreen with less than 50 spf is a joke.
- You put on fresh sunscreen just to go check the mail box.
- Some fools will market mini-misters for joggers and some other fools will actually buy them. Worse…..some fools actually try to jog.
- You know hot air balloons can’t rise because the air temperature is hotter than the air inside the balloon.
- No one would dream of putting vinyl inside a car.
- You see two trees fighting over a dog.
Signs You’be Been in London Too Long
- You say ‘mate’ constantly.
- You think it is perfectly normal to pay over £3 for a pint.
- Anyone not from London is a ‘wanker’.
- Anyone from outside London and north of the Watford Gap is a ‘Northern Wanker’.
- You have no idea where the North is.
- You see All Saints in the Met Bar (again) and find it hard to get excited about it.
- The countryside makes you nervous.
- Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they are a stalker.
- American tourists no longer annoy you.
- You talk in postcodes. “God, it was really warm round SW1 the other day”.
- You can’t remember the last time you got up to 30 mph in your car in the city.
- You didn’t realise that ‘Paddington Green’ is REAL.