There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot.
Not knowing what to do, she called 911. “You gotta help me find my parrot!”
The operator patiently replied, “We can’t help you with that, ma’am. This number only deals with emergencies.”
But the lady persisted, and then the operator told her not to be concerned, that the parrot should fly back in a few days.
Then, out of desperation, the lady begged, “But you don’t understand! The only thing he says is, “Here, kitty, kitty!!!”
A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he’s looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.
He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn’t seem to be much for singing.
The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet’s left foot. Immediately, Chet starts singing; “Silent Night, Holy Night.”
The husband is very impressed with Chet’s singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet’s right foot. Chet now starts to sing “Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way.” The husband says Chet is perfect and that he’ll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately.
He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot’s special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet’s left foot and the bird sings “Silent Night.” He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of “Jingle Bells.” The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet’s legs instead. Curious, the husband moves the lighter between the bird’s legs, and the bird begins to sing…”Chet’s Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!”
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. ‘Want to have some fun?'”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”
“Thank you!” the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!”
The Iams Pet Professionals, a team of 30 trained customer service representatives at The Iams Company, handle more than 300,000 inquiries a year from pet owners across the country. Although the majority of calls to the toll-free number are straightforward pet care and nutrition questions, some can be quite unconventional. Here are some of the team’s favorite calls:
- “My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering… how many calories are in a mouse?”
- “I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed him?”
- “Does your dog food help with emancipation?”
- “What should I feed a borderline collie?”
- “What size litter box do I need to keep my cat comfy?”
- “Is it normal for a dog to shed?”
- “How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband’s toothbrush?”
- “My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it’s stuck in the vacuum cleaner. Any suggestions?”
- “How can I get the secret recipe for your Iams Chunks dog food?”
- “How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?”
- “Your food turned my dog into a stud. Now what do I do?”
- “Do you know how to toilet train a cat?”
- “I have three cats. Is it true that Eukanuba Cat Food makes the poop smell better?”
- “Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy’s teeth?”
- “Where can I get a six-toed cat?”
- “I really like your paw print logo. Does Iams have a tattoo?”
The Iams Company Manager of Customer Service says, “Although these questions make us smile, they’re legitimate calls from concerned pet owners.”
Mrs. Lonefold’s dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.
He couldn’t accommodate her with an evening appointment, and, since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: “I’ll leave the key under the mat. “Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you the check. By the way, don’t worry about my Rottweiler. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!”
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Lonefold’s apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.
But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.
However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing, yelling, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled: “Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied: “Get him, Brutus!
Animals have the darndest thoughts.
- Dog: “They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.”
- Goldfish: “Just because I have a three-second memory, they don’t think I’ll mind eating the same fish flakes … Oh boy! Fish flakes!”
- Dog: “Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!”
- Goldfish: “The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!”
- Parrot: “Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!”
- Cat: “Why are these people in my house?”
- Goldfish: “Oh, tap-tap-tap! There’s a new one!”