The Missing Parrot

There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot.

Not knowing what to do, she called 911. “You gotta help me find my parrot!”

The operator patiently replied, “We can’t help you with that, ma’am. This number only deals with emergencies.”

But the lady persisted, and then the operator told her not to be concerned, that the parrot should fly back in a few days.

Then, out of desperation, the lady begged, “But you don’t understand! The only thing he says is, “Here, kitty, kitty!!!”

The Singing Parrot

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he’s looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn’t seem to be much for singing.

The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet’s left foot. Immediately, Chet starts singing; “Silent Night, Holy Night.”

The husband is very impressed with Chet’s singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet’s right foot. Chet now starts to sing “Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way.” The husband says Chet is perfect and that he’ll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately.

He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot’s special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet’s left foot and the bird sings “Silent Night.” He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of “Jingle Bells.” The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet’s legs instead. Curious, the husband moves the lighter between the bird’s legs, and the bird begins to sing…”Chet’s Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!”

Parrot Talk

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. ‘Want to have some fun?'”

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”

“Thank you!” the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!”

Concerned Pet Owners

The Iams Pet Professionals, a team of 30 trained customer service representatives at The Iams Company, handle more than 300,000 inquiries a year from pet owners across the country. Although the majority of calls to the toll-free number are straightforward pet care and nutrition questions, some can be quite unconventional. Here are some of the team’s favorite calls:

  • “My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering… how many calories are in a mouse?”
  • “I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed him?”
  • “Does your dog food help with emancipation?”
  • “What should I feed a borderline collie?”
  • “What size litter box do I need to keep my cat comfy?”
  • “Is it normal for a dog to shed?”
  • “How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband’s toothbrush?”
  • “My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it’s stuck in the vacuum cleaner. Any suggestions?”
  • “How can I get the secret recipe for your Iams Chunks dog food?”
  • “How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?”
  • “Your food turned my dog into a stud. Now what do I do?”
  • “Do you know how to toilet train a cat?”
  • “I have three cats. Is it true that Eukanuba Cat Food makes the poop smell better?”
  • “Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy’s teeth?”
  • “Where can I get a six-toed cat?”
  • “I really like your paw print logo. Does Iams have a tattoo?”

The Iams Company Manager of Customer Service says, “Although these questions make us smile, they’re legitimate calls from concerned pet owners.”

Self-Evident Truths About Pets

  • Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
  • Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
  • Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
  • Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
  • Dogs shed, cats shred.
  • I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?
  • No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
  • Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
  • I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
  • Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
  • People that hate cats will come back as dogs in their next life.
  • We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
  • Women and cats will do as they please … men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
  • When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
  • In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

42 Ways to Get Power from Your Hamster

  1. Stick copper and zinc electrode-needles in opposite ends of hamster. Use in series for higher voltage.
  2. Shove them back and forth in Richard Gere’s butt. Creates static electricity.
  3. Go to Radio Chack and offer them the hamster in exchange for two AAA batteries.
  4. Attach the hamster to a hand-crank generator and then drop it onto a trampoline.
  5. Ignite in large numbers. Use heat released to drive steam turbine.
  6. Kidnap and threaten to torture. Extort ransom from animal-rights activists and other anti-cruelty types: demand payment in the form of electric current.
  7. Drop hamsters from great heights. Use water-mill like turbine to generate electricity.
  8. Drop large numbers of hamsters into tar pit, wait a few million years, drill for crude oil at same location to run electric turbine.
  9. Cold Fusion -> Steam Turbine. No explanation necessary.
  10. Any form of neutron capture / beta emission.
  11. Convince hamsters they’re really lemmings. Show cliff to hamsters. Install turbine halfway down cliff.
  12. Densely pack hamsters into flywheel shape. Spin rapidly. Attach generator.
  13. Put hamster on electricity-generating treadmill. Feed back small portion of generated electricity into hamster brain pleasure center. Watch him generate his little heart out!
  14. Seal large quantity of hamsters in air tight holding tanks. Add water. Allow suitable time to pass for decomposition. Collect methane gas resulting. Put gas in fuel cells.
  15. Smush mucho hamsters in a trough, use the drippings/blood to run a waterwheel for hydroelectric power.
  16. Give hamsters lots of shitty beer. Use piss and vomit to run hydroelectric generator.
  17. Skin hamster. Melt animal fat into tallow and then form candles. Heat steam turbine.
  18. Switch hamsters for P6 chips coming of Intel assembly lines. Saved electricity will be enormous. Cover performance loss by releasing new version of Windows NT at the same time.
  19. Build glass room. Put hamsters inside. Put cocaine inside. Ground the floor and attach negative leads to the ceiling.
  20. Have hamster steal one of kube’s magic cards. Leech power from resulting nuclear strike.
  21. Teach hamsters to play blackjack. Once they’re at the competitive level, convince Las Vegas hotel owners to convert to serving hamsters. Saved electricity from smaller lights, hotels, etc.
  22. Accumulate enough hamsters that the self-gravitational force causes the mass to shrink and heat up. Use thermocouples to generate energy.
  23. Raid PG&E corporate headquarters. Threaten to drop hamster down CEO’s pants unless he gives you a power plant.
  24. Get several dozen hamsters. Shoot them up with crystal meth. Attach dog sled.
  25. (This is, undoubtedly, the way to get the most power from them) Combine the hamster with an equal mass of antimatter — a anti-hamster if you will. Then harness the massive energy release for power….
  26. Have the Emperor warp and twist a hamster clone into an evil Anti-Hamster, Darth Hamster. This should be good for 4-6 sequels. Install tension to electricity converters into theatre.
  27.  a. Find a _good_ genetic engineer.
     b. Splice appropriate genes from electric eels into hamsters, because they’re smaller and cuter and, well, hamsters.
     c. Feed the hamsters.
     d. Surgically install appropriate electrodes.
     e. Periodically drain off the voltage.

    Unfortunately, this only gets you DC current.

    P.S. How could I have been so blind? Splice in genes from blue-green algae as well, and you wouldn’t even have to feed the hamsters! (Well, maybe some phosphorous and iron and stuff)

  28. Mail the electric company a dead hamster every day until they give you power for free.
  29. Crossbreed hamster with Mothra and use resulting giant mutant lightning- breathing hamster as power source.
  30. Give the hamster to Scotty, he’ll find some way to yeild 20% more power from the dilithium crystals.
  31. Take thousands of hamsters into orbit — when the orbit decays, they will heat up the atmosphere. With enough hamsters, you could raise the planets temperature as much as you want.
  32. Pull the hamster out of root@soda’s ass. Then when they turn red & embarrassed, use the heat from their red face to drive a Carnot engine.
  33. Ammass enormous quantities of hamsters until it reaches enough mass to begin hamsterfusion in the core. Use solar cells to convert radioation to electricity.
  34. Throw in more hamsters to 33 (above) until the hamsterstar goes supernova… you couldn’t want any more energy than that…
  35. Repeat 34 with another mass of hamsters… spin the resulting neutron-hamsters around each other in a binary orbit… use gravity waves to rotate hydro-turbine.
  36. Take five or six hits of acid. Tell yourself very firmly that hamsters _are_ electricity. (Well, they’ve got lots of electrons in them, yes?) Acquire hamsters however you choose; “operationally”, you’ve now got electricity. (I say “five or six hits”, because I find that things which were perfectly clear to me after _one_ hit, e.g., that the word “Krups” is actually an make onomatopeiac piece of German slang for an unprintable Viennese practice, make absolutely no sense afterwards; and Leary used to take five hits or so. QED.)
  37. Give them little magnetic collars, and run them through a maze of coiled wires.
  38. Reduce hamster to their component atoms. Compress the resulting plasma until it fuses. Transfer the released energy via heat/engine or energy conversion scheme of your choice.
  39. Take two hamsters, run one through a klein bottle to convert it to anti- matter. Combine the first hamster with the anti-hamster. Harness the resultant massive burst of energy as per #38 above.
  40. Drop hamster into black hole. Use photovoltaics to release the radiated energy.
  41. It is a well-known result of quantum field theory that all fields are symmetric under the combined action of time-reversal, charge-conjugation and parity-inversion operators: the familiar TCP symmetry. It is trivial to show that time reversal and charge conjugation both take fermions into their anti-particles. Use this to show that plucking hamsters from mirrors will produce beaucoup electromagnetic radiation. (Hint: Do you need to pull the hamsters out of the mirror _going_backwards_in_time_?) Ref: J. J. Sakurai, _Adv. Quan. Mech._
  42. Put female hamster scent on glass rod. Release male hamster. He will try to rub his furry coat against glass rod. Drawback: only creates static electricty.

Pets at Home

Mrs. Lonefold’s dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.

He couldn’t accommodate her with an evening appointment, and, since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: “I’ll leave the key under the mat. “Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you the check. By the way, don’t worry about my Rottweiler. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!”

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Lonefold’s apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.

But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.

However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing, yelling, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled: “Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!”

To which the parrot replied: “Get him, Brutus!

Animal Thoughts

Animals have the darndest thoughts.

  • Dog: “They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.”
  • Goldfish: “Just because I have a three-second memory, they don’t think I’ll mind eating the same fish flakes … Oh boy! Fish flakes!”
  • Dog: “Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!”
  • Goldfish: “The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!”
  • Parrot: “Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!”
  • Cat: “Why are these people in my house?”
  • Goldfish: “Oh, tap-tap-tap! There’s a new one!”