Bill of No Rights

The following was written by State Representative Mitchell Kaye from Cobb County, GA.

We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional and other liberal, bed-wetters.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a “Bill of No Rights”.

    You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
    You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone – not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
    You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
    You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
    You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we’re just not interested in health care.
    You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don’t be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
    You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don’t be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won’t have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.
    You don’t have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won’t lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you’d like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
    You don’t have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and educational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
    You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness – which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

The Asshole Bill of Rights

As an ASSHOLE, I proclaim the following:

  1. I will live my life the way I deem fit, screw political correctness.
  2. I have the right to choose my religious path if I choose one at all. Christianity be damned.
  3. If I want to eat a cow, I will eat a cow.
  4. I have the right to hang up on telemarketers midsentence and not have to worry about whether or not I was polite.
  5. If I think someone’s an idiot, I will tell them they’re an idiot.
  6. I have the right to tell children that their parents aren’t raising them correctly. (Think of how many times you’ve been at a supermarket and heard a screaming child the entire time…what exactly would you want to say that’d be any nicer?)
  7. If you don’t know what you’re talking about, shut the hell up.
  8. You may have the right to speak, but I don’t have to listen to you.
  9. If I want to be rude, loud, and obnoxious, it’s a free country.
  10. If I want to go to a bar, destroy my liver with alcohol, clog my arteries with junk, and have unsafe sex with the woman/man I just met, I ought to be able to smoke while I’m at it.
  11. I may be fat, but you’re ugly, and I can go to Jenny Craig.
  12. Jerry Springer for President!!!!!!!
  13. Denis Leary should be proclaimed God and given reign over society.
  14. Your daughter just got drunk at a party, made a slut of herself, and you’re worried about my religious beliefs?
  15. Before you tell me how to run my life, be certain that your own is squeaky clean.
  16. Just because you work at McDonald’s doesn’t mean you have an excuse to have an I.Q. under twelve.
  17. (Courtesy of George Carlin) Just because you’re a student does not mean that you’re any more enlightened than someone that works at Blockbuster.
  18. Speaking of Blockbuster, if I return the tape, you do not have to actually sue me for $15!!
  19. If you’re stupid enough to give me credit, deal with the consequences.
  20. It’s ignorant to charge someone $25 if they bounce a check for $5. (If I didn’t have the $5, what makes you think I’m going to have $25 you retards!!)
  21. If you don’t like the way I drive then at the next red light get out from under my car.
  22. If your dog or cat is so smart, then why do you talk to it like it’s a newborn baby?
  23. If I shoot you while you’re committing a crime, and you try to sue me for it, I’ll shoot you again.
  24. Courtesy of Ben Franklin: Anyone who would give up freedoms and liberties for temporary security deserves neither freedom or security.
  25. If you live in Tornado Alley, don’t whine when you get hit by a tornado.

Gilb’s Laws of Unreliability

  • Computers are unreliable. Humans are worse.
  • Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
  • The only difference between the fool and the criminal who attacks a system is that the fool attacks unpredictably and on a broader front.
  • Undetectable errors are infinite in variety. Detectable errors do not exist, unless deadline is less than three hours away.
  • Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some real work done.
  • At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
  • A system tends to grow in terms of complexity rather than of simplification, until the resulting unreliability becomes intolerable.
  • Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to the inherent unreliability of the system in which they are used.
  • The error-detection and correction capabilities of any system will serve as the key to understanding the type of errors which they cannot handle.
  • All real programs contain errors until proved otherwise — which is impossible.

Ten Rules of Housekeeping

  1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
  2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch “The Galapagos Islands” and claim an ecological exemption.
  3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
  4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, “What? And spoil the mood?”
  5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
  6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.
  7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, “I’d love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive.”
  8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that “THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes…”
  9. Don’t bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, “Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident… I haven’t had the heart to clean it…”
  10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, “I clean and I clean and I still don’t get anywhere…”

Rules that Guys Wish Women Knew

  • If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
  • Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, Put it down. When you’re done with the toilet seat, put it back up.
  • Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
  • Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
  • If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to; expect an answer you do not want to hear.
  • Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
  • Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
  • Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
  • Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
  • When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
  • You have enough clothes.
  • You have too many shoes.
  • Crying is blackmail.
  • Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
  • Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
  • No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
  • Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.
  • Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
  • Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
  • Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
  • A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
  • Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
  • Check your oil!
  • Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
  • It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
  • No, it does not matter which quiz.
  • Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
  • If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
  • If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
  • Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.
  • Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
  • You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
  • Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  • Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
  • Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. If you dress like an easy woman, you should expect to be treated like one.
  • More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
  • The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
  • ALL men see in only 16 colors, like old windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
  • Pumpkin is also a fruit.
  • If it itches, it will be scratched. Also, if we have to pass gas or burp, we will.
  • Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
  • If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
  • We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
  • If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
  • If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about making out with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.
  • What the hell is a doily?

Rules of Work

  • Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
  • If it is really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it is going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
  • Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
  • If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, do not open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
  • If you give me more than one job to do, do not tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
  • Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
  • If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
  • If you do not like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
  • If you have special instructions for a job, do not write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
  • Never introduce me to the people you are with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
  • Be nice to me only when the job I am doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.
  • Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it is nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
  • Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I am not here for the money anyway.

Rules for Surviving a Horror Movie

  • When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it’s really dead.
  • Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
  • Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
  • Never accept invitations from strangers, especially individuals who inexplicably live in isolated areas and have no contact with society.
  • As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
  • If you’re searching for the cause of a noise and find out that it’s not just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
  • If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
  • No alcohol or partying! These activities will surely seal your fate.
  • If you find a town that is deserted, it’s probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
  • Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you’re doing.
  • Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
  • If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
  • Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

Rules Kids Won’t Learn At School

Unfortunately there are some things that children should be learning in school, but don’t. Not all of them have to do with academics. As a modest-back-to-school offering, here are some basic rules that may not have found their way into the standard curriculum.

  • Rule #1
    Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teen-ager uses the phrase “it’s not fair” 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often, you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule #1.
  • Rule #2
    The real world won’t care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It’ll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it’s not fair. (See Rule No. 1)
  • Rule #3
    Sorry, you won’t make $40,000 a year right out of high school. And you won’t be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn’t have a Gap label.
  • Rule #4
    If you think your teacher is tough, wait ’till you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going ask you how feel about it.
  • Rule #5
    Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren’t embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.
  • Rule #6
    It’s not your parents fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of “It’s my life,” and “You’re not the boss of me,” and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it’s on your dime. Don’t whine about it or you’ll sound like a baby boomer.
  • Rule #7
    Before you were born your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents’ generation try delousing the closet in your bedroom.
  • Rule #8
    Life is not divided into semesters, and you don’t get summers off. Nor even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don’t get a new lease on life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.
  • Rule #9
    Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom, nor a soap opera. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be perky or as polite as Jennifer Aniston.
  • Rule #10
    Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.
  • Rule #11
    Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school’s a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you’ll realize how wonderful it was to be kid. Maybe you should start now.

Roberts’ Rules of Computer Order

  • You will never have an extra blank disk.
  • If you do bring along a blank disk, you won’t need it.
  • If you don’t bring along a blank disk, it will be the only available opportunity to obtain a copy of a hitherto unattainable, and uniquely appropriate program.
  • If someone else is watching while you are doing anything on the computer, anything at all, it will screw up (that’s a technical term).
  • The percentage chances of screwing up increase in direct proportion to the size of your audience.
  • No matter how simple it seems to you, your explanation will be more than they want to know.
  • You will amaze yourself at how much you know.
  • You will amaze your mother at how much you know about computers.
  • You will always have one disk envelope too few. Or too many.
  • The only pieces of data you will ever lose are the ones you were going to save just as soon as you finished typing a couple more lines.
  • The update of your program will use the keys for something entirely different in this version than it did when you first learned it.
  • You will not understand it the first time you read it in the manual.
  • You will understand it better the next time you read the manual.
  • For no discernible reason, when you are late for an interview and need a last minute copy of your resume your printer will go down. It will always go down. It doesn’t care.
  • Nowhere in your repair manual will it ever tell you what you really need to do–which is to turn the darn thing off and get yourself a cup of tea.
  • You will never know what a user file is.
  • The price of anything you buy will stay the same until the actual impact of your money on the bottom of the cash drawer, at which time it will automatically re-list itself in next Thursday’s paper at 30% less.
  • Staring at the screen for 97 continuous minutes will not necessarily reveal to you the secret location of any colon that should have been typed in as a semi. Or vice versa.
  • It will always seem like your friend got a better deal.
  • The 800 number will be busy.

(New) Rules to Live By

  • Don’t throw a brick straight up.
  • Don’t take long naps while driving.
  • Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
  • Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don’t make any more.
  • Don’t microwave yourself too often.
  • Don’t stick body parts into electrical outlets.
  • When using an acetylene torch, don’t feel the flame to see if it’s sufficiently hot.
  • If you’re on a ball field and someone shouts, “Heads up!” don’t actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.
  • Don’t tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
  • When you are in bed remember to close your eyes.
  • No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
  • When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
  • When you find a prize in a box of “Crackerjacks,” there is no need to report it on your income tax return.
  • “Time” magazine is not suitable to wear on your wrist. Get a watch.
  • One + one = two. Try to remember that.
  • Don’t count the peas in a can. It is not an exact science.
  • If you discover that February only has 28 days, don’t report it to the Consumer Fraud Department. Likely they will ignore your complaint.
  • For faster elevator service press the elevator button many times.

If you found above rules useful, under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.

April 1st is Your special high holy day.