- Materials needed for Torts 101 include a baking sheet and apron.
- Master’s Class in Legal Retorts taught by Johnny Cochran
- Morely Safer and his camera crew are on campus more often than you are.
- If you last the entire eight weeks, Sally Struthers personally signs your diploma.
- Admission test, found on back of a matchbook, requires you to draw Marcia Clark’s briefs.
- Faculty recruited from the exercise yard.
- The Dean once failed to get James Earl Jones acquitted on a charge that he “talks like a sissy.”
- Professors always accept 5th Amendment as an excuse for not turning in homework.
- Every question answered with, “You can’t handle the truth!”
- Two words: Dean Wapner.
- Three hours a day of chasing a little metal ambulance around a dog track.
- In mock trials, the judge always sentences you to a spanking.
- Today’s lecture: “Fight for Your Right to Party,” by visiting professor Adam “The King Ad Rock” Horovitz.
- Your roommate is on a “John Gotti Scholarship.”
- Can’t see the blackboard over Axl Rose’s hair.
- The white wigs and black robes may be a tradition, but there’s no explaining the lipstick, garter belts, and high heels.
A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.
“What for?” he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, “Twenty dollars contempt of court. That’s why!”
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented.
“That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”
The young man replied, “I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words.”
- During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
- He tells you that his last good case was a “Budweiser.”
- When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
- He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”
- During the trial you catch him playing his Pokeman.
- He asks a hostile witness to “pull my finger.”
- A court security guard begins shaving your head.
- Every couple of minutes he yells, “I call Jack Daniels to the stand!” and proceeds to drink a shot.
- He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
- He places a large “No Refunds” sign on the defense table.
- He begins closing arguments with, “As Ally McBeal once said …”
- He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Jesse Jackson.
- Just before trial starts he whispers, “The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?”
- Just before he says “Your Honor,” he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
- The sign in front of his law office reads “Practicing Law Since 11:25 AM.”
- Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, “Whatever.”
- He giggles every time he hears the word “briefs.”
- His flat fee is $2,500 for your case, BUT he will give you double your money back if he wins your case.
- The name of his law firm is Goldberg, Goldman, Mandlebaum, and Cohen. His name is Pedro Jesus Sanchez.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer”, and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb”, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
- The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
- Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
- Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons
authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as “Partnership.”
Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys PC 370.00
- 370.01 Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.
- 370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or dead-falls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.
- 370.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and
the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.
- 370.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.
- 370.05 It is unlawful to shout, “WHIPLASH”, “AMBULANCE”, or “FREE SCOTCH” for the purposes of trapping attorneys.
- 370.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.
- 370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.
- 370.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.
- 370.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
- 370.10 Bag and Possession Limits per day:
- Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2;
- Two-faced tortfeasors, 1;
- Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3;
- Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2;
- Minutiae-advocating dirtbags, 4.
- Honest attorneys protected (Endangered Species Act).
- ARS 8007.21 It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.
Joe was a successful lawyer but he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.
“The good news is that I can cure your headaches …The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates a terrible headache. The only way to relieve the condition is to remove your testicles.”
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered whether he had anything to live for. He couldn’t even concentrate long enough to answer his own question, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital after the surgery he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought: “That’s what I need … a new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit”, and picked one out.
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see … size 44 long.”
Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years.” Joe tried on the suit and it fit him perfectly.
As Joe admired himself, the salesman said, “How about a new shirt?”
Joe thought for a moment then said, “Sure.”
The salesman eyed Joe, and said, “34 sleeve and a 16 1/2 neck.”
Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years.”
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman said, “How about new shoes?”
Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure.”
The salesman eyed Joe’s feet, and said, “Let’s see 9-1/2 E.”
Joe was astonished, “How did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years.”
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman said, “How about some new underwear?”
Joe thought for a second, and said, “Sure.”
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see … size 36.”
Joe laughed, “Ah ha. I got you! I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against your spine and give you a hell of a headache.”
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, “I don’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.”
“Well,” says the big alligator, “What have you been eating?”
“Lawyers, same as you,” replies the small alligator.
“Hm. Well, where do you catch’em?”
“Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp.”
“Same here. Hm. How do you catch’em?”
“Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite’em, shake the crap out of ’em, and eat ’em!”
“Ah!” says the big alligator, “I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin’ the crap out of a lawyer, there’s nothin’ left but lips and a briefcase.”
It was a nice day at the park by the lake. Three guys were casting their lines to catch some fish and a couple were rowing in a small boat. Two crows were cruising by, eyeing for some targets to let loose on. The younger of the two crows tried to show off and dove onto those three guys. Tut, tut, tut. But it went thud, thud, hitting only two of the three.
The older crow went towards the couple in the moving row boat. Tut, tut. And it went thud, hitting only one of the couples. Since this was a moving target, it didn’t seem all that bad.
Then out from nowhere came this little bird, wings still wet like it was just been hatched. It dove towards those three guys. Tut, tut, tut. Thud, thud, thud. It swooped over to the row boat. Tut, tut. Thud, thud. Then a kid riding a bike came around. It flew over there. Tut. Thud. And it then rested on a tree branch.
So the two crows felt embarrassed and went over there, said, “We are impressed! Where do you learn to let loose on people like that?”
The little one said, “I may be a new hatch but I’ve got plenty of experience. In my former life I was a lawyer.”
Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona
Case No. B191294, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding
Wiley E. Coyote, Plaintiff
Acme Company, Defendant
Opening Statement of Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote: My client, Mr. Wiley E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability.
Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, “Defendant”), through that company’s mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labelling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Worker’s Compensation.
Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote’s forelimbs to a length of fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote’s body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along his path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to do so, due to poorly designed steering and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.
Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs.
Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of rocket skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.
Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of the Defendant: the Acme “Little Giant” Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition, entered into evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner.
To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiralling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue #78-832), climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote’s prey, seeing the bird seed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.
In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote’s careful preparation to
naught, the premature detonation of Defendant’s product resulted in
the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:
- Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck and muzzle.
- Sooty discoloration.
- Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise.
- Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy disintegration.
- Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.
We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff’s Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date no explanation has been found for this product’s sudden and extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed into a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium.
To increase the shoes’ thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote’s prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time Mr. Coyote’s prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release.
At this point, Defendant’s product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities.
The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for some time.
A sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways replacement of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote’s body tissues — a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit off-key, accordionlike wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote’s pursuit of a normal social life.
As the Court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote’s work. It is our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to distrust Defendant’s products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again.
Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney’s fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Total damages: thirty-eight million seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal protection under the law.
From a little book called “Disorder in the Court.” They’re things people actually said in court, word for word:
- Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
- Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
- Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
- Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
- Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
- Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
- Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
- Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
- Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
- Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
- Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
- Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
- Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
- Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
- Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
- Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
- Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
- Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
- Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
- Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
- Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
- Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
- Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.