How I Used My New Box of Shells

  • Shot #1 — Missed target completely at 100 yards. Rifle needed scope adjusted.
  • Shot #2 — Hit target in lower right-hand corner–from 10 yards.
  • Shot #3 — Bull’s-eye–after getting rifle back from gunsmith who sighted it in.
  • Shot #4 — Accidentally pulled trigger while loading rifle in vehicle, will repair transmission when I get home.
  • Shot #5 — Fired into air to signal start of drive. Fined $200 by game warden for killing a turkey.
  • Shot #6 — The excitement of seeing my first deer caused me to fire before rifle was to my shoulder– I only had to replace left boot.
  • Shot #7 — Missed deer completely, not so sure about cow across the field.
  • Shot #8 — To clean mud from barrel after falling over cliff while being chased by farmer. Now I’m sure about cow.
  • Shot #9 — Slipped and fell while crossing stream. Buddy says I’ll have to replace his hunting cap and also pay for having his underwear washed.
  • Shot #10 — Forgot can opener. Opened a can of pork and beans. The few beans that were left tasted too much like gunpowder to eat them.
  • Shot #11 — Shot too low at deer, glanced off rock and wounded a chipmunk.
  • Shot #12 — Finished off wounded chipmunk.
  • Shot #13 — Checked scope again, hit big bucket hanging on pole. Hope people get electricity back soon.
  • Shot #14 — At deer moving through brush, I’d never heard some of the words that it used.
  • Shot #15 — To check scope again after being hit on the head with my own rifle.
  • Shot #16 — Knocked buck down but didn’t go to claim it when game warden tried to arrest a nearby hunter for killing a doe.
  • Shot #17 — Gun accidentally fired while dragging it under fence. Have to replace right boot now.
  • Shot #18 — Won a $1.00 bet from buddy who said I couldn’t hit a junked car on other hill. Hot radiators sure do make a lot of steam.
  • Shot #19 — Killed running buck with 3-inch spike at 625 yards. It takes skill to be a good hunter.
  • Shot #20 — Save till I get home and use it on a mouse in my pantry.


The Alaska Department of Fish and Game, recently issued this bulletin:

“In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.

“We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure:

Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper.”

Bear Hunting

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned round to see a big black bear.

The black bear said “You’ve got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex.” Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said “That was a huge mistake, Frank. You’ve got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we’ll have rough sex.” Again, Frank thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear said “Admit it, Frank, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”

The Eagle and the Mouse

A little field mouse was scampering across a field when all at once an eagle swooped down and swallowed him whole. After a while the little mouse was able to work his way through the eagle’s body and poke his head out of the eagle’s ass. The eagle was still flying around, looking for more food to eat.

The little mouse said, “We’re pretty high up, aren’t we?”

“Yep. Pretty high”, the eagle agreed.

“About how high would you say we are?”, asked the mouse.

“Oh…..I’d say about 10,000 feet”.

To which the mouse asked, “You wouldn’t shit me would you?”

Regulations for Hunting Attorneys

Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys PC 370.00

  • 370.01 Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.
  • 370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or dead-falls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.
  • 370.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and
    the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.
  • 370.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.
  • 370.05 It is unlawful to shout, “WHIPLASH”, “AMBULANCE”, or “FREE SCOTCH” for the purposes of trapping attorneys.
  • 370.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.
  • 370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.
  • 370.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.
  • 370.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
  • 370.10 Bag and Possession Limits per day:
    • Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2;
    • Two-faced tortfeasors, 1;
    • Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3;
    • Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2;
    • Minutiae-advocating dirtbags, 4.
    • Honest attorneys protected (Endangered Species Act).
  • ARS 8007.21 It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.