Ode to Horny AOL Men

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There are so many men that sign on AOL,
they enter the chatrooms and say I’m horny as hell.

Are they really that stupid and f***ed in the head,
do they think we want cyber and not a real date instead?

They try to impress us by saying they’re buff,
when in fact half of them blow their nose on their cuff.

They try to convince us they are thoughtful and sweet,
but we know when they chat with us they’re beating their meat.

They tell us they’re gorgeous, loving and kind,
when the truth is that most of them are out of their mind.

They tell us that they would make a really good catch,
the gals that they dated are what’s making them scratch.

They send us their pictures of how cute they are,
when you meet them they look like they been hit by a car.

They say they run businesses or some hot resort,
but most of them can’t even pay child support.

So listen up ladies, if they sound to good to be true,
it probably is and they just want to cyber screw.

You’ve Got Mail

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Due to the rampant “ILOVEYOU” virus affecting over 30 million computers worldwide, AOL has announced a change in their email program.

From now on, instead of the familiar greeting, “You’ve Got Mail!” you’ll now be greeted with, “You’ve Been Screwed!”

You Know You’ve Been on AOL Too Long When…

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A friend calls and says, “How are you? Your phones have been busy for a year!”
You forgot how to work the TV remote control.
You see something funny and scream, “LOL, LOL.”
You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU’VE GOT MAIL.
You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.
You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.
Tech support calls YOU for help.
You beg your friends to get an account so you can “hang out.”
You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
You say “he he he he” or “heh heh heh” instead of laughing.
You say “SCROLL UP” when someone asks what it was you said.
You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.
You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
You look at an annoying person off-line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.
You start to experience “withdrawal” after not being online for 2 hours.
“Where did the time go?”
You sit on AOL for 6 hours waiting for that certain special person to sign on.
You get up in the morning and go online before you get your coffee.
…..You end your sentences with…..three or more periods…….
You’ve gone to an unstaffed AOL room to give tech support.
You think faster than the computer.
You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}}and **kisses**.
Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.
You’re on the phone and say BRB.
Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.

Welcome to AOLScape

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I am Steve Caze, newly crowned Grand Caliph of the Internet.

Welcome to AOLscape, the latest member of the AOL family. Let me describe to you some wonderful features of this new, powerful browser.

After extensive scientific research, we have determined that the single most important thing an AOL user wants, is to know what other AOL users are wearing. I must admit that this question has caught me unawares at times when I went surfing in my lavender pajamas.
Nonetheless, this is what my users want, and this is what they will get. The new browser will feature a “what-R-U-wEaRiNg???” button. This is the default AOL spelling, but you may change it as you wish.

Annoying ads. Obviously you’re wondering who would want these. Well, my 14 million members do. And now you will too. 🙂
My new internet vision. My vision is based on one thing, and one thing only – free daily spam in your Email!

Frankly, at times I suspect this is the stuff our members live for. Membership has skyrocketed since we started getting spammed here at AOL.

Earlier I used to get irritated to find this crap every time I opened my inbox, but now I’ve grown to enjoy it first thing in the morning with a fresh cup of coffee. Of course, now you will too. 😉

L33t Hax0r mode. The new browser will feature this advanced mode
meant for elite teenage hackers and connoisseurs of warez. Allow me
to illustrate this with an example.

Your Friendly Neighborhood AOL guides (formerly known as Mozilla hackers). Yep, all those mozilla programmers will now troll through AOL “rooms” preventing cybersex. Let’s face it, it’s a whole lot more fun than debugging unix code.
The internet. Now people will be able to use the Internet. From AOL. Imagine.
Annoying noises. The rest of the net has been missing this basic feature. Now everytime you have new mail, your browser will say (yep, you guessed it) “You’ve got mail!”. I apologize if you find this irritating, but AOL users are a little slow, if you catch my drift. Anyway, this goes great with the free daily spam feature.
A raised middle finger to Microsoft. This will now be an icon on the toolbar. I’ve wanted to do this for a long time. Those JERKS! Making me buy their lousy @!#%?%^%*# piece-of-junk browser! Take THAT, suckers!
New browser logo. That stupid “N” with flying comets will be replaced by a picture of my handsome smiling face. (I love my job!)
(Note to Bill G: This is ONE thing you can’t buy, buddy.)

Newbie users. How can newbie AOL users be a browser “feature”? Boy, are you in for a BIG surprise!

The Day The Service Died

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A long, long time ago, I can still remember
when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance,
they could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.
But, Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy they’d deliver.
Bad news on the front page,
A 19-hour outrage.
I can’t remember if I cried
when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside,
The day, the ser-vice died.

So, Bye-Bye to Amer’ca Online,
Drove my modem to a domain and it’s working just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline.
Saying this’ll be the day that they die. This’ll be the day that they
die.

Did you write the book of TOS,
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS if an IM tells you so.
And will you believe the Motley Fool when he tells you that the service
rules,
And, can you teach me how to web real slow?
Well, I know you sold the service short,
‘Cause I saw your quarterly report.
Steve Case sold off his stock, It fell just like a rock.
It was a crazy, costly high-tech play,
as they slashed away at what subscribers pay,
And half their users went away,
the day the service died.

Well for two days we’ve been on our own
And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
But that’s not how it used to be,
When the mogul came to Virginia court,
With an OS icon and a browser port,
And a desktop that looked like Apple III.
And while Jim Clark was looking down,
The mogul stole his thorny crown,
The browser war was turned,
Mozilla,… was spurned.
And while Steve left users out to bond,
With hosts unable to respond,
6 million newbies all were conned,
The day the service died.

Da Chronic ducked their software guards,
And stole a million credit cards,
to use accounts he’d gotten free.
And so Steve Case went to the FBI,
and he told Boardwatch* a little lie,
That hackers wanted child pornography *
But while Steve Case was looking down,
The hackers pulled his e-mail down,
They put it on the net,
He can’t be trusted, yet!
And while user cynicism climbs,
At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes,
they scan their e-mail for, “Good Times,”
The day the ser-vice died.

Helter-skelter billing needs a melter,
The lawyers filed a class-action shelter,
Eight million in lawyer’s fees.
But it looks like some attorney jibe,
an hour if they resubscribe,
To a service marketed for free.
Well, I know you’re raking in the bucks,
‘Cause I’m reading alt.aol-sucks.
“Until we bless the suit,
The settlement is moot.”
“If AOL treats you like the Borg,
Then visit aolsucks.org,
Before some router pulls the cord,…”
The day the ser-vice died.

Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be,
sold off his home in Tennessee,
And headed for a 4-month end.
Was he sad or just incensed when
Case offered him his thirty cents.
Billing is the devil’s only friend.
But as I read him on the page,
My hands were clenched in fists of rage,
No, “Welcome” born in hell,
could ring that chatroom bell.
And as chat freaks cried into the night,
CompuServe read their last rites.
I saw Earthlink laughing with delight,
The day the ser-vice died.

Met a girl in Lobby 9,
And I asked her if she’d stay online,
But she just frowned and looked away,
And I went back to the Member Lounge,
To see what loyalty I could scrounge.
But Room Host said the members went away,…
And on the net the modems screamed,
At faster bits and data streams.
And not a tear was spoken,
The hourly fees were broken,
And the three men that I hated most:
Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk’s ghost,
They couldn’t dial up the host,
The day the ser-vice died.

You Know You’ve Been on AOL Too Long If…

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Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.
You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.
You have called out someone’s screen name while making love to your significant other.
You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".
Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
If you are male and see a female in the "Real" world that you wish to meet, your first thought is to IM her.
If you are female and you see a male in the "Real" world that you wish to meet, your first thought is that you wish he’d IM you.
You don’t understand the humor in the above mentioned #7 and #8 since the "real" world is at your fingertips.
You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.
When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually transmitted diseases.
You walk into a room, and, finding that it has more than 23 people, you inform management that there is an error.
When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" at you.
You go up to people you are attracted to "in real life" and ask them for their GIF.
Although you don’t know what they look like, you become insanely jealous of people hitting on your cyber-love.
You don’t even know what your cyber-love looks like.
When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word i should be capitalized.
You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep instead of talking.
Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night.
When someone says, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!"
You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won’t know you’re on-line again.
You know more about your AOL friends’ daily routines than you do your own spouse’s.
You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.
You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.
You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (online all night).
You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are.
You go into labor and you stop to type a special E-mail to let everyone know you’re going to be away and how you’re feeling.
You marry your cyberboyfriend/girlfriend and you both sit at your own computers & chat to each other every night from across the room.
You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.
You understand the humor in all of these jokes because you have committed then yourself!
Your dog leaves you.
You are doing things more and more that you swore you would never do when you first got online.
You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on their buddy list.
You have a map on the wall w/ LOTS of red thumbtacks to mark where people are you have met.
You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button handy.
You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.
Your significant other kisses your neck while you’re chatting and you think, "Uh oh, cyber sex perv".
You go thru "withdrawal" if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.
Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.
You understand what BIF ISO BIM means.
You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee.
You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.
You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL’s welcome screen.
You wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to come home from work.
You don’t know where the time has gone.
You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand.
Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have ad.
You get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.
You don’t even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/ {{hugs}} or **kisses**.
You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.
Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n & I will TTYL".
You type faster than you think.
You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.
You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.
You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.
People say, "If it weren’t for your super reflexes in your eyes and fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"
You dream in "text".
Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.
There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you’re really bored.
You don’t want to leave in case you miss something.
You double click your TV remote.
You can now type over 70 wpm.
You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.
You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else & say "BRB" or "BBL".
You check your E-mail and forget you have real mail (a.k.a. snail mail).
You go into withdrawals during dinner.
You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room.
You stop speaking in full sentences.
You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended up "giving" tech support to other AOLers.
You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".
Your last sexual experience was really just a "textual" experience.
You know what a "snert" is.
You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to "check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see who was online".
You meet people from AOL in public & you have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name.
You’ve even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-face.
When seeing someone you wish to meet, your second thought is wishing they’d be on AOL so you don’t have to meet them in person.
You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.
You have met over 100 AOLers.
When meeting a stranger, you ask for their profile. If they have a profile you ask them for an age/sex/location check.
You understand the humor in all of this.
You keep telling yourself to Get a Life.
When someone online says BRB, gotta go pee, you ask them to go for you, and think they can.

AOL’s New Offer

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Check out AOL’s new offer: 1000 hours free for 45 days. You’ve got to love how these guys think.

It is technically possible to use 1000 hours in 45 days. It would leave you 80 hours of non-computer time in your month and a half. We can start off by assuming you’re not employed or a student, because if you were, you wouldn’t be using AOL in the first place. You now have 1 hour and 45 minutes each day that are non-AOL.

Let’s keep you sane — you can sleep an hour a day. Leaves 45 minutes.

Eating, even if mostly done in front of the computer, is going to take some time going back and forth to the kitchen and wiping crumbs off the keyboard. 15 minutes more, down to half an hour.

Basic bodily functions, (even if you skip showering for six weeks . . . ewww) will take another 15 minutes a day if you really conserve trips.

That leaves you 15 minutes to yourself per day, time you can use to sit back, close your eyes, and reflect on what an absolute freaking loser you are.

Thanks, Ray! If you *love* AOL as much as Ray does, you need to check out A Joke a Day. They have been making fun of Morons since 1995, and show no signs of ever stopping!