Why Cybersex is Better

  • If the date goes bad, changing your Screen Name is easier then changing your real name.
  • Bathing, dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional.
  • If you get drunk and blackout, you only wake up next to a keyboard.
  • You can exercise your offensive habits without embarrassing yourself.
  • Viagra! Who needs Viagra?
  • Your partner could have more of a personality than your inflatable friends.
  • Three words: No shotgun weddings.
  • All guys look like George Clooney and all women like Pamela Anderson.
  • They never have to know you live in your parents basement.
  • If you catch a virus, only your computer dies.

Cyber Breakup Letter

Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name),

I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair. This termination takes effect immediately, but only because I could not make it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this action:

____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of “brb gotta pee” took some of the romance out of it.

____ Your use of the term “the ol’ cyber ball and chain” to refer to me has hurt my feelings.

____ I’ve found another lover, one who knows the importance of punctuation.

____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest:

    ____ You typed: “I remove my bra” when you claimed to be a man.

    ____ You typed: “I enter you” when you claimed to be a woman.

    ____ You typed your own name at the end.

    ____ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel.

____ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding something from me.

____ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.

____ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __ jpg __ police record.

____ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I wish to face stalking charges.

____ Mommie says I need to spend less time on the computer.

____ Your mommie called me and yelled at me because of all the time you’re spending on the computer.

____ I have established a more personal relationship with the Lord, and I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you can do to ensure a place in Heaven when the endtimes come. They are closer than you think.

____ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling less than special. As in cyber cheating.

____ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14 violates the terms of my parole.

____ I am entering the witness protection program.

Please understand, __ [screen name] and/or __ you misbegotten son of a bitch __ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia], that there is nothing personal in this. We’ve simply grown apart.

Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney,

____ Sincerely,

____ Gleefully,

____ I have to go before the warden calls “lights out,”

____ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs,

____ Good riddance,

[Name or alias]

ATTICS

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,

I regret to inform you that you have been named as a possible cyber-sexual partner of someone who has tested positive for the ATTICS (Affliction Transmitted Through Internet Chat Sex) virus. It would benefit you to be tested and/or treated for this disease. ATTICS is highly contagious and can be spread by a simple “screw you” or “muuuuaaaahhhhh”. It appears to be predominant in Facebook users but has been detected in the general PC community.

Amusing as this may sound this is no laughing matter! ATTICS is a mainly psychological disorder but can fester into physical ailments if not treated. You will be provided with a list of symptoms, if you have any of these contact this office and forward this notice to all your cyber-sexual contacts!

The following is a list of symptoms, onset of these symptoms may be immediate or may remain undetected for years. PLEASE do not ignore these warning signs!!!!!

  • Keyboard Courage
    • The threatening of another chatter for no logical reason.
  • WooHoo
    • The uncontrollable urge to say wooooohoooooo to anything that may be deemed sexual in nature (may be a result of overactive woohoormones).
  • Holiday Inn-hibition
    • The need to take someone to a private chat.
  • PTPUD (Post Traumatic Pop Up Disorder)
    • Heavy reliance on popups.
  • Horizontal Retinal Scan
    • Inability to read anything that doesn’t scroll up.
  • Loss of Fingernails
    • ‘Nuff Said.
  • Bedpan Complex
    • Having a bucket next to the TV for human waste.
  • Cyber Tourettes Syndrome
    • The random shouting of obscenities every time the phone rings.
  • Red Eye
    • Elimination of any whites from the eye.
  • Virtual Speed
    • The ability to make 2 lunches, fold a load of laundry, go pee, and put in a video, before your last comment leaves the screen.
  • Sleep Apathy
    • Going without sleep to chat.
  • Cyber Anorexia
    • Going without food to chat.
  • Symbolic Dyslexia
    • The use of initials instead of words ie.: LMAO=LAUGHING MY ASS OFF.
  • NIC (Nick Identity Crisis)
    • The adoption of a nick as a second name.

If you encounter any of these symptoms feel free to contact me.

THANKS FOR YOUR TIME,

Dr. Ree Pete O’Fender
Internet Board of Disease Control

Ode to Horny AOL Men

There are so many men that sign on AOL,
they enter the chatrooms and say I’m horny as hell.

Are they really that stupid and f***ed in the head,
do they think we want cyber and not a real date instead?

They try to impress us by saying they’re buff,
when in fact half of them blow their nose on their cuff.

They try to convince us they are thoughtful and sweet,
but we know when they chat with us they’re beating their meat.

They tell us they’re gorgeous, loving and kind,
when the truth is that most of them are out of their mind.

They tell us that they would make a really good catch,
the gals that they dated are what’s making them scratch.

They send us their pictures of how cute they are,
when you meet them they look like they been hit by a car.

They say they run businesses or some hot resort,
but most of them can’t even pay child support.

So listen up ladies, if they sound to good to be true,
it probably is and they just want to cyber screw.

‘Twas the Night of Nekkid Frustration

‘Twas a quiet night,
And all through the house,
No one was home,
Not even the spouse.

I was real horny,
With no one here who would care,
So I dialed AOL,
To see if My friends were there.

I looked at my buddy list,
To see who was online,
While visions of cyber-sex,
Danced through my mind.

When all of a sudden,
Who on my list should appear,
Just the best little cyber-babe,
I’d ever had here.

I IM’d her with “hey darlin”,
Kisses, hugs, and hello,
When I suggested a private room,
She said ‘lets go”.

I made up a name,
We both clicked, and were in,
Anticipating the fun that,
Was about to begin.

We {S kissed and {S hugged,
Then our clothes we did shuck,
It was just then,
I ran out of luck.

Naked and hot,
To the imaginary bed we scooted,
When the next thing I knew,
I had been booted.

I ranted and raved,
And cursed AOL,
For taking my money and,
Putting me through hell.

I signed on again,
And impatiently waited,
Hoping and praying,
Her lust hadn’t abated.

I was finally online and,
To the room I did dash,
To my little cyber-girl,
And heaven at last.

We got past the foreplay,
Were cyber-fuckin and then,
To my utter frustration,
I was booted again.

I cursed AOL,
As I got back online,
For what I swore would be,
The very last time.

We got down to business,
And as the end neared,
It happened again,
That thing that I feared.

Now the first was bad timing,
The second rough,
But the third time booted,
I’d had enough.

A letter I wrote,
Addressed to Steve Case,
Telling him what I would do,
If we ever came face to face.

I wrote in great detail,
Just how he would pay,
For my getting booted,
Three times getting layed.

You may think this funny,
An ass-slappin hoot,
But the next time you cyber,
WATCH OUT FOR THE BOOT

AOL and Cybersex

  • AOL: America Online, this is Tammy speaking.
  • Caller: Hi, I have some questions about America Online before I join.
  • AOL: Okay, ma’am, what’s your question?
  • Caller: Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get something called “cybersex”… does this cost extra?
  • AOL: :::quiet laugh in the background::: Well ma’am… I don’t know how to explain this, but cybersex is not part of America Online.
  • Caller: Oh really? My friends said they got it from AOL.
  • AOL: Well it’s something members typically do when they go to a chat room.
  • Caller: Hmmmm…I don’t understand, what is cybersex??
  • AOL: I’m sorry, I really don’t know how to explain it.
  • Caller: Hmmm..well, have you ever had cybersex?
  • AOL: Ma’am, I don’t think that’s an appropriate question to be asking me. Is there anything else you need?
  • Caller: Sorry, like I said I don’t even know what it is.
  • AOL: That’s okay ma’am, anything else?
  • Caller: Yes, I have one more question.
  • AOL: Go ahead…
  • Caller: What are you wearing?
  • AOL: <click>