- Learn to work the toilet seat. If you’ve managed to lift it up, gravity is on your side when it comes to putting it back down.
- Sometimes, we are not thinking about having sex.
- “I ate it, didn’t I?” is not considered praise.
- Your responsibility for raising children does NOT end at conception.
- Get rid of your comb-over. It’s not different — it’s just as ridiculous as every other comb over. You’re losing your hair — face it.
- An order of takeout ribs and a Chris Farley movie is not everybody’s idea of a good time.
- “Yeah yeah, you look fine” is not a compliment.
- Yes, I DO tell my best friend everything.
- You have enough ballcaps.
- You have too many t-shirts.
- You’re too old to wear a goatee.
- Every actor we find attractive is not gay. You can stop using this one — we’ve all heard it.
- A hug is not always a prelude to sex.
- When we ask “are you listening,” we already know you’re not.
- Your best friend is an idiot
- Nothing says “I love you” like offering to go to the grocery store.
- If you can rebuild the carburetor on a ’66 Mustang, working the washing machine should be a snap.
- Yes and no are sometimes acceptable answers — grunts and blank stares are not.
- A sore back that prevents you from doing household chores for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
- Underwear is like a car. After five years, it needs to be replaced with a newer model.
- A romantic weekend getaway does not involve baiting a hook.
- Slapping us on the butt and saying “how bout getting me a cold one” is not foreplay.
- The missionary position is best left to missionaries.
- Rolling over and mumbling “I’ve got to get some sleep” does not produce an afterglow.
- If it was really good for me…you wouldn’t have to ask.
- “These flowers are for you.”
- “Can I have your number?”
- “You look beautiful.”
- “I’ve enjoyed tonight.”
- “What we have is special.”
- “I love you.”
What a Man Wants
John and Brian are out and about. John notices that Brian is a bit pissy during the evening, so he finally brings up.
“Yo, man, you’ve been cranky all damned day. What the hell is wrong with you. You’re acting like you’ve got PMS.”
“Naw, I don’t have PMS, but I definitely think I’m suffering from the male counterpart. I call it SRH.”
“SRH? What’s that?”
“Sperm Retention Headache.”
I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that…
- Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you’ve drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.
- Section 1.01 And it’ll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like “So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!” and howling like a cat that’s being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.
- Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*.
- Section 2. I fully understand that a woman’s main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that – by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman –
it will be my fault. Even if I wasn’t there.
- Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl’s night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.
- Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.
- Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
- Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as “making love”), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
- Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your penis a “cute” nickname.
- Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.
- Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I’ll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.
- Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.
- Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby’s butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.
- Section 5.04 I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard…
- Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have “ruined me for other men”.
- Section 7. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you’re in charge of anything *mechanical*.
- Section 7.01 With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.
Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.
Signed ____________________________________ (female)
- Why are men such jerks?
It’s a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter? Hormone modifies behavior. We’re just misunderstood.
- Why do men always have to ogle at other women?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught.
- Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It’s much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
- Why do men always say such stupid things?
We like to. It’s actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
- Why are men so uncommunicative?
You’d learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
- Why can’t men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
- Why can’t men cuddle more?
Please… How many hours do you think there is in a day?…. Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
- How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc.
- Why can’t men just say, “I love you”?
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It’s not easy to admit to one’s own character faults.
- Why won’t men ever pick up after themselves?
Why should we? It doesn’t really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you’ll pick it up.
- What’s with all the belching and farting?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It’s our way to let you know that we’re comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it’s actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing: It’s the only type of cooking a “real” man will do!
When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:
- The woman goes to the store.
- The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
- The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
- The man places the meat on the grill.
- The woman goes inside to set the table and checks the vegetables.
- The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
- The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
- The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
- After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
- The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off.”
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.
She’s objective, very logical, and highly intelligent. She’s not terribly attractive but she looks okay with lots of makeup. She’s very tidy and a keeps a clean house. She only speaks ancient Greek and only listens to you if you use perfect grammar and punctuation. She’s very emotionally stable and refuses to argue. People seek her advice on the really important things because they know they can depend on her.
- Mac OS:
She’s even tempered and only blows up if you do something really stupid or if there’s something seriously wrong with her system. She’s beautiful and improves with age. She’s very stylish and sets trends. She never lies. She is easy to talk to and you can
generally get her to do what you want without much of a fuss. She’s a good communicator and likes to talk to friends. She’s flexible and likes change. She’s always nice to people when they come to visit. People love her when they get to know her and she has devoted friends everywhere. She smiles at you when you turn her on.
She has a nasty temper and often blows up at you for no reason. You have to fight with her to get her to do anything and she insists that you do things the hard way. She’s extremely jealous and has been known to slip poison into the drinks of other women who
come to visit. She even fights with her friends and it can take hours to get them to listen to each other. Even then, they only recognize each other when they feel like it. She has many psychological problems which carried over from her DOS childhood, although she claims to be over it. Her house is immaculate until you look in the closets and storage spaces where she hides all the crap she doesn’t want people to see. Her house is full of nifty appliances and home electronics but you’re lucky if you can get anything to work. Nothing in her house is where you would expect it to be; the kitchen is on the roof and the bathroom is through a trap door under a rug. She throws a tantrum if you rearrange the furniture. If she gets really mad she makes you go outside, ring the doorbell and wait for her to calm down and let you back in. She deteriorates with age and gets even more ornery the older she gets.
- Motorcycle curves never sag.
- You can ride a motorcycle any day of the month.
- Motorcycles don’t whine unless something is REALLY wrong.
- You can kick your motorcycle to wake it up.
- You can share your motorcycle with friends.
- Motorcycles don’t care how many other motorcycles you have ridden.
- When riding, you and your motorcycle ALWAYS arrive at the same time.
- If your motorcycle is too loose you can tighten it.
- You can drink beer and ride your motorcycle.
- If you say things to your motorcycle you don’t have to apologize before you can ride it again.
- Motorcycles won’t insult you if you are a bad rider.
- Motorcycles don’t care if you are late.
- You don’t have to take a shower before riding your motorcycle.
- If you get a new motorcycle you don’t have to keep sending money to the old one.
- Of course I’ll swallow it all…I love the taste!
- Are you sure you’ve had enough to drink?
- I’m bored…let’s shave my pussy.
- Shouldn’t you be down at the bar with your buddies?
- That was a GREAT fart! Do another!
- I have decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
- You’re so sexy when you are hung over!
- I would rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
- Let’s subscribe to Hustler.
- Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
- Say, let’s go down to the mall so that you can check out women’s asses!
- I will be out painting the house.
- I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturdays, too.
- Honey? Our new neighbor’s daughter is sunbathing again…come see!
- I know it’s tighter back there, but will you PLEASE try again?
- No, no…I’ll take the car in for an oil change.
- Your mother is way better than mine!
- Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine’s Day thing and buy yourself some new golf clubs!
- I understand fully; our anniversary comes every year, for Christ’s sake! You go hunting with the guys. It’s a great stress reliever!
- What do you say we get a good porno movie, a 6-pack of Bud, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome?
- No, not the fucking mall again! Let’s try that new tittie bar instead!
- Listen…I make enough money for us both. Why don’t you retire and get that nagging handicap down to a 7 or 8?
- Honey, you need your sleep…stop getting up for night feedings!
- God, if I don’t get to blow you soon, I swear I am going to bust!
- I signed up for yoga classes so that I can get my ankles behind my head for you.
- Let’s just skip the foreplay and romance, and get right down to fucking!
- I am on my period, so why don’t you let me blow you? Better yet, go ahead and screw the secretary!
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
- Rule #1: When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
- Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.
- Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
- Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.
- Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
- Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
- Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. Real men do not stink – they are earthy.
- Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why.
- Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
- Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear’s Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. “From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ’68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.”)
- Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook – but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”
- Rule #12: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.
- Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don’t know why – please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
- Rule #14: It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
- Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes them back to their cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manila rope. No one knows why.