At the Game

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at the football game, three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort, to get them to move.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, “I think I’m going to move to Utah, there are only 100 Catholics living there…”

The second guy spoke up and said, “I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 Catholics living there …”

The third guy spoke up and said, “I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 Catholics living there …”

One of the nuns turned around, and looked at the men, and calmly said, “Why don’t you go to hell, there aren’t any Catholics there.”

You Might Be a Redneck NASCAR Fan if…

  • You think the last four words of the National Anthem are “Gentlemen start your engines!”….
  • You think heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida….
  • You’ve ever written Richard Petty’s name on a presidential ballot….
  • You’re not actually able to read The Richard Petty Story, but you sure do like to look at the pictures….
  • You have the word NASCAR in your wedding vows….
  • You go to a stock car race and don’t need a program….
  • You know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series….
  • Your favorite NASCAR souvenir was a direct result of a crash in turn three….
  • You spell out NASCAR in Christmas lights….
  • You can remember the entire NASCAR series schedule but can’t remember your wifes birthday, kids birthday, or anniversary….
  • You can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but can’t remember how old your children are….
  • You think the most effective form of advertising is on the side of a car going 200 mph…..round and round and round….
  • The word “Bank” makes you think of turn three at Daytona….
  • Your wife’s nickname is “Lugnut”….
  • You’ve spent more time on the top of a Winnebago than in one….
  • You know the “Back way” to Talledega….
  • You can change a tire faster than you can change a diaper….
  • You make engine noises while watching racing on TV….

Rejected Summer Olympic Events

  • The Marge Schott-put
  • Hide the javelin
  • Tackle the French guy
  • Speed blinking
  • Trouser hockey
  • Synchronized shrugging
  • 100-meter dash with a fat guy on your back
  • Female weightlifter mustache tweezing
  • Pantsless pole vault
  • Lookin’ terrific

Reasons to Play Golf

Front 9
  • You can play without risk of scandal.
  • Beats mowing the lawn.
  • Carrying clubs is considered socially acceptable.
  • Master the essential language: slice, shank, divot, bogie, green fee, sand trap, deep rough, mulligan, hacker, water hazard, double bogie, difficult lie, flub, handicap, worm burner, triple bogie, and Duffer.
  • Always a doctor nearby.
  • Would you rather do business at the office?
  • Handicap accessible.
  • Two methods to achieve a great score
    a) play as you lie
    b) lie as you play
  • Drop a few shots at the 19th hole.
  • Back 9
  • The worse your game, the better the exercise.
  • “Holistic” stress reduction.
  • Great excuse to take a walk.
  • Work through bad lies without having to run for office.
  • Rather sink a birdie than hook a fish.
  • Putting is such sweet sorrow.
  • Old golfers never die..they just putter out.
  • Drinking and driving is encouraged… especially by your opponents.
  • Having a ball is par for the course.

Overheard At the Sydney Olympics…

  • “Hell, no, I didn’t win these. I bought ’em on E-Bay from some guy named Spitzer72.”
  • “The Australian team has formed a large dingo on the field… and it’s eating the New Zealand delegation!”
  • “Never date an Australian. If you throw them out, they come right back to you.”
  • “I’m sorry, Sir. If I promise to never say ‘throw another shrimp on the barbie’ again, would you kindly remove your boomerang from my rectum?”
  • “You’d think Brandi Chastain would have at least waited until the torch was lit before ripping her shirt off.”
  • “Hey, you with the mustache — get out of the women’s showers! Oh… sorry, Miss Ling.”
  • “I don’t care if you are in the NBA, everyone pays for their marijuana in this country, mate.”
  • “Suzy, we don’t have to synchronize everything. Can’t I just have 5 minutes in the bathroom by myself?”
  • “The tribe has spoken. Please snuff out your Olympic flame and leave immediately.”
  • “CRIKEY! This javelin being thrown at me is a REAL BEAUT! One false move and I’m impaled and done for!!”
  • “I think somebody should tell the USA shooters that they only need to fire at each target *once*.”
  • “Hey — who’s the smartass throwing shrimp on the Olympic flame?”
  • “I’m not sure it’s wise to carry an open flame around 100,000 Vegemite eaters.”
  • “No, ladies, we do *not* need any volunteers to help towel off the swimmer with the size 17 feet.”

Olympic Riddle

My first is in kendo but not in Olympics.
My second is in hurdles and in hunting.
My third is in bowman and not in bowling.
My fourth is in cycling and in golf.
My fifth is in flying and not in swimming.
My last is in running and not in dancing.
My whole is a sport.
What am I?

See Answer below…


The answer to the Riddle is – Kung Fu

Overheard at NFL Training Camps

  • “How the HELL do they expect me to support my wife AND my girlfriend on just $5 million a year?!”
  • “Be honest. Don’t these pants make my butt look HUGE?”
  • “Does this look infected to you?”
  • “Has anyone here ever SEEN a football?” (Giants and Jets camps only)
  • “Hey, I said XXXXL! Do I *LOOK* like I wear a XXXXXL?!?”
  • “Look, kid… no $100, no autograph. Now get lost, ya little leech!”
  • “Listen, rookie, there’s a big difference between a sportsman-like pat on the ass and copping a feel!”
  • “Idiot! Wilhelm Tiselius was Europe’s foremost biochemist! What the hell’d they teach in college?”
  • “Has anyone seen my spleen?”
  • “That’s chump change! *My* contract caused a $5.00 jump in ticket prices.”
  • “Fellas, be reasonable. Everybody can’t room with Irvin.”
  • “Quick! Pull my finger!”
  • “No, no, no. It’s RIGHT hand out palm down, THEN left hand out palm down…”
  • “Hey Rookie, go run an Irvin and meet us back at the hotel.”
  • “Dammit! I just finished paying for that knee!”

New NASCAR Rules

  • After each caution, the car will run the opposite way … caution – clockwise – caution – counter clockwise – caution – clockwise … etc.
  • Earnhardt, Jr., has to drive with a passenger … preferably a sumo wrestler … for extra weight.
  • Potty pit stops during a half time.
  • No more champagne in Victory Lane. A special Jeff Gordon whine will be used.
  • The ‘wider is better’ Pontiac will be narrowed since NASCAR has discovered the reason Pontiac widened the car was to accommodate Tony Stewart’s ego.
  • Races will be shortened to 7 laps so Rusty Wallace can finish on the lead lap on at least one time this season.
  • There will be a 15 minute half time break so Tony Stewart can get a snack … better make it a 30 minutes.
  • Cars with handicapped plates shall pit in specially marked blue pit stalls.
  • Depends Undergarments announced it will sponsor a car for the 2002 season. For the betterment of the sport, NASCAR forbids Dick Trickle to be named the owner.
  • To ward off an approaching sexual discrimination lawsuit, NASCAR mandates at least one member of each sexuality will be represented on each team … Male, Female and Jeff Gordon.
  • Top speed is out! The cars starting positions will depend on how pretty the car is. If it’s ugly they will vote on who gets provisionals, the ugliest car goes home.
  • The winner of a race will be determined by who picked the winner in NASCAR ROCKS … if no one picked a winner, straws will be drawn … the straw draw also holds true for second on back.
  • Because of Political Correctness, no discrimination against the handicapped will be permitted. This shall be called the Jeff Gordon Rule.

Never Up, Never In

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf.

She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.

“How much is it?” she asked.

“One hundred and fifty dollars,” he replied.

She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.

“But it comes with an inscription,” he said.

“What kind of inscription?” she asked.

“Whatever you wish,” he explained, “but one of the old golfers favorites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'”

“OH, that will never do!” exclaimed the wife. “That’s what started the argument in the first place!”

The Miracle Shot

At a golf course, four men approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on the left.

The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball in that direction. But the ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway.

As they all stood in silent amazement, one man finally asked him, “How on earth did you do that?”

He shrugged his shoulders and said, “You have to know the bus schedule.”