Cheer Up!

  • The parachute company says you’ll get a full refund.
  • They say the house didn’t float very far at all.
  • We’re all amazed that you go on living each day.
  • Well, at least the operation was a partial success.
  • The “National Enquirer” just loved those nude shots of you.
  • The insects hardly touched your other eyebrow.
  • With the lights dimmed, it looks almost normal.
  • The District Attorney says he only has a few more questions.
  • At least the passenger side air bag inflated.
  • Jerry Springer wants you for this “secret admirer show.”
  • The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars.
  • At least we never thought you were guilty like that Jury did.
  • The insurance pays the full book value ($312) for your 1956 T Bird.
  • The thieves left the push lawn mower and hedge trimmers.
  • Those Grand Juries always over-react. Don’t worry about it.
  • Lots of guys face multiple paternity suits.
  • The boss said while you’re sick, he’d do all your work personally.
  • MicroSoft Tech Support said those errors just aren’t possible.

Interesting Facts

  • Nearly a third of all bottled drinking water purchased in the US is contaminated with bacteria.
  • You are more likely to be struck by lightning that to be eaten by a shark. You are more likely to be infected by flesh-eating bacteria than you are to be struck by lightning.
  • If you urinate when swimming in a South American river, you may encounter the candiru. Drawn to warmth, this tiny fish is known to follow a stream of urine to its source, swim inside the body, and flare its barbed fins. It will remain firmly embedded in the flesh until surgically removed.
  • When a pilot light in a gas barbecue fails to ignite the gas jets properly, it is easy for you to inhale gas accidentally while trying to light it by hand. If this has happened, when the match does light, sometimes a trail of flame will blaze from the jet onto your mouth, filling your lungs with fire. Oddly enough, you would suffocate before burning to death as the flame would consume the oxygen in every breath you would take.
  • The soft plastic headphones used on airplanes create a warm, moist environment in the ear canal that is ideal for breeding bacteria. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
  • On a plane, if the passenger in your seat on the incoming flight had serious gas, then you are sitting on a cushion full of disease-causing microbes.
  • Homely criminals get 50% longer jail sentences, on average, than good-looking criminals.
  • Four sunken nuclear submarines sit at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. One, a Russian sub resting in deep water off of Bermuda, holds 16 live nuclear warheads. Scientists and oceanographers are unsure what the impact of the escaping plutonium will have, but warn that corrosion could create the proper chemical environment for a massive nuclear chain reaction.
  • In 1994, electromagnetic interference (EMI) from a nearby cellular telephone captivated a power wheelchair at a scenic vista in Colorado, sending the passenger over a cliff.
  • More people working in advertising died on the job in 1996 than died while working in petroleum refining.
  • It is impossible to lick your elbow.
  • A shrimp’s heart is in their head.
  • People say “Bless you” when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
  • If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. if you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.
  • In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.
  • It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
  • A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
  • Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetic Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.
  • More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
  • Rats and horses can’t vomit.
  • Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
  • The “sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick” is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
  • If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
  • In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
  • The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
  • Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
  • A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.
  • 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.
  • In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
  • Most lipstick contains fish scales.
  • Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue print is different.
  • Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

Interesting Factoids

  • The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
  • Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
  • Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
  • City with the most Rolls Royce’s per capita: Hong Kong
  • State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
  • Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
  • Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
  • Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
  • Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
  • The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China 1910.
  • The youngest pope was 11 years old.
  • The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Stars Game.
  • A crocodile can’t stick it’s tongue out.
  • The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred.
  • In 1987, a 1,400-year-old lump of still-edible cheese was unearthed in Ireland.
  • If an orangutan belches at you, watch out. He’s warning you to stay out of his territory.
  • 1,200 college students streaked at the same time in Boulder, CO in 1974.
  • Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.
  • The most money ever paid for a cow in an auction was $1.3 million.
  • There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo.
  • On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.
  • The average human has seven sex fantasies in a day.

Some Handy Tips

  • Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
  • High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
  • Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.
  • Heavy smokers: Don’t throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you’ll have enough to insulate your attic.
  • Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
  • X File fans: Create the effect of being abducted be aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You’ll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously ‘erased’.
  • A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
  • Convince neighbors that you have invented a ‘SHRINKING’ device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a MAC Truck outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the MAC Truck unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
  • Nissan Micra drivers: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
  • Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.
  • A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from hitting the snooze button, rolling over and going back to sleep.

Still More Did You Know..

  • Men can read smaller print than women, women can hear better than men. Women can also smell better than men.
  • Cost of raising a medium sized dog to the age of 11: $6,400.
  • Average number of people airborne over the U.S. during any given hour: 61,000.
  • The world’s youngest parents were 8 & 9 and lived in China in 1910.
  • The youngest Pope was 11 years old.
  • First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer
  • The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile national monuments.
  • Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
    • Spades – King David
    • Clubs – Alexander the Great
    • Hearts – Charlemagne
    • Diamonds – Julius Caesar
  • Over 2,500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people.
  • The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
  • Astronauts cannot cry. In space, there is no gravity, so the tears can’t flow.
  • A company in Taiwan makes dinnerware out of wheat, so you can eat your plate.
  • Percentage of Americans that want to change their bodies in some way: 75%.
  • Percentage of Americans that would want to change their intelligence: 13%.
  • A person who is lost and starving can obtain nourishment by chewing on his shoes, provided they are made of leather.
  • An igloo will stand up to modern artillery better than a concrete barricade. Additionally, they are almost invisible from the air and can’t be spotted by infrared sensors.

More Did You Know…

  • If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. Dunno about you but it hardly seems worth it!
  • If you fart consistently for 6 years and 8 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. Now that’s more like it!
  • A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. In my next life I want to be a pig! But how’d they figure this out, and why?
  • Banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour. Don’t try this at home. But maybe at work..
  • Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn’t seem fair!
  • The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. Hmmmmmmmmm…
  • Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. If you’re ambidextrous do you split the difference?
  • The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
    From drinking little bottles of…? Did taxpayers pay for this research??
  • Polar bears are left handed. Who knew….? Who cares? How’d they find out, ask them?
  • The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. What can be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?
  • The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field. 30 minutes…can you imagine?? And why pigs?
  • A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. Creepy.
  • The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. “Honey, I’m home. What the….” *Think of all the problems it would solve, girls: No post-coital snoring, wondering if he’s going to stay for breakfast, waiting for him to sneak out… and ya KNOW he hasn’t been with anyone else 🙂
  • Some lions mate over 50 times a day. In my next life I still want to be a pig… quality over quantity.
  • Butterflies taste with their feet. Geez, that’s almost as bad as catfish. Good thing they don’t have sex for pleasure!
  • An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. I know some people like that.
  • Starfish don’t have brains. I know some people like that too.

So what has this page taught us? Well, nothing very important. But after reading all these, all I can say is………… Lucky Pigs!

Did You Know?

  • that in the early days of sailing, a ship would never set sail on a Friday, it was believed to be bad luck???
  • that in Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit?
  • that a law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day?
  • that a law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines?
  • that a Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weighs more than three pounds, two ounces?
  • that Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts?
  • that the only animal besides human that can get sunburned is the pig?
  • that ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water?
  • that an eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it?
  • that in the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees?
  • that Mark Twain didn’t graduate from elementary school?
  • that proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses?
  • that Formosan termites can eat though metal?

Some Daffy Product Instructions

  • On a Sears hairdryer:
    – Do not use while sleeping.
  • On a bag of Fritos:
    – You could be a winner!No purchase necessary.Details inside.
  • On a bar of Dial soap:
    – Directions:Use like regular soap.
  • On a Swanson’s frozen dinner:
    – Serving suggestion:Defrost.
  • On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
    – Fits one head.
  • On a package of Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert:
    – Do not turn upside down (printed on the bottom of the box).
  • On a package of Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
    – Product will be hot after heating.
  • On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
    – Do not iron clothes on body.
  • On a bottle of Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine:
    – Do not drive car or operate machinery.
  • On Nytol Sleep Aid:
    – Warning: may cause drowsiness
  • On a Korean-made kitchen knife:
    – Warning keep out of children.
  • On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
    – For indoor or outdoor use only.
  • On a Japanese-made food processor:
    – Not to be used for the other use.
  • On Sunsbury’s peanuts:
    – Warning: contains nuts.
  • On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
    – Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
  • On a Swedish chainsaw:
    – Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
  • On a packet of Sunmaid raisins:
    – Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?

What a Difference a Century Makes

In the summer of 1900…

  • The average life expectancy in the United States was 47.
  • Only 14% of the homes in the United States had a bathtub.
  • Only 8% of the homes had a telephone.
  • A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.
  • There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads.
  • The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
  • Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California.
  • With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populated state in the Union.
  • The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
  • The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour.
  • The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
  • A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
  • More than 95% of all births in the United States took place at home.
  • 90% of all US physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as “substandard.”
  • Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were 14 cents a dozen. Coffee cost 15 cents a pound.
  • Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
  • The five leading causes of death in the US were:
    1. Pneumonia and influenza;
    2. TB;
    3. Diarrhea;
    4. Heart disease;
    5. Stroke.
  • The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn’t been admitted to the Union yet.
  • The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30. The remote desert community was inhabited by only a handful of ranchers and their families.
  • Plutonium, insulin, and antibiotics hadn’t been discovered yet. Scotch tape, crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn’t been invented.
  • There was no Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.
  • One in 10 US adults couldn’t read or write.
  • Only 6% of all Americans had graduated from high school.
  • Some medical authorities warned that professional seamstresses were apt to become sexually aroused by the steady rhythm, hour after hour, of the sewing machine’s foot pedals. They recommended slipping bromide, which was thought to diminish sexual desire, into the women’s drinking water.
  • Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, “Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.”
  • 18% of households in the United States had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
  • There were about 230 reported murders in the US annually.

News from 2029

  • Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third language.
  • Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
  • Baby conceived naturally; scientists stumped.
  • Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
  • Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
  • Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
  • France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
  • Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
  • George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
  • Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
  • 85-year, $758 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
  • Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
  • Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed; they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
  • Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
  • Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
  • Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
  • New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
  • Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
  • Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
  • IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
  • Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.