- Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
- High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
- Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.
- Heavy smokers: Don’t throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you’ll have enough to insulate your attic.
- Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
- X File fans: Create the effect of being abducted be aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You’ll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously ‘erased’.
- A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
- Convince neighbors that you have invented a ‘SHRINKING’ device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a MAC Truck outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the MAC Truck unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
- Nissan Micra drivers: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
- Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.
- A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from hitting the snooze button, rolling over and going back to sleep.
- Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase “Free Ammo”.
- Consider carefully before visiting a country where the license plate motto is Die American Pig.
- There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you have experience in jungle warfare.
- If you find yourself in Iran, do not use the word blankethead.
- On a trip to Canada, your travel agent should not charge you for an interpreter.
- While in the Vatican, do not refer to St. Peter as “Petey-Boy.”
- Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars.
- Avoid any Latin American Tour named Bay of Pigs, Two.
- In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suicase of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami.
- Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms.
- Martha’s way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up
eating it anyway.
- Martha’s way #2: Use a meat baster to “squeeze” your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you’ll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
- Martha’s way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
- Martha’s way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren’t you going to take the shells off anyway?
- Martha’s way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs Or better yet, just get the plastic kind from the grocery store. Lots of juice there.
- Martha’s way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
My way: Eat at Chili’s every night and avoid cooking.
- Martha’s way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won’t be any stains.
My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won’t be any leftovers.
- Martha’s way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
My way: Go to the bakery. They’ll even decorate it for you.
- Martha’s way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess
salt for an instant “fix me up”
My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too bad.
- Martha’s way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
- Martha’s way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don’t do it.
- Martha’s way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be “soft”?
- Martha’s way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn’s natural sweetness.
My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
- Martha’s way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn’t fresh.
- Martha’s way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can’t rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn’t the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.
- Martha’s way #16: Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
My way: Leftover wine?
- Martha’s way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
- Martha’s way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the antibacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.
- Martha’s way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.
- Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.
- Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
- Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
- Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.
- Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don’t know.
- When reading a book, try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.
- A teaspoon placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
- Bus Drivers can pretend they are an airline pilot by wedging their accelerator pedals down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
- Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and jumping the curb.
- Drill a one-inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
- Save gas by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you’ve broken down and help.
- Bomb disposal experts’ wives should keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
- Save electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner’s hat.
- I find the best way to get two bottles of dishwashing liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
- Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
- When throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or bread knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air.
- Avoid being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the trunk until you return.
- If you smell gas, locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
- Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to ‘fast wipe’ whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
- Taxi drivers can just pop into the garage and ask them to fix your turn signals for you so that other motorists know where the hell you’re going.
- Senior Citizens should try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.
- Old contact lenses make ideal ‘portholes’ for small model boats.
- Increase the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.
- Take your trash can to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.
- Make shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
- Save on charity donations by spending a dollar on clothes at a charity shop, then selling them for 50 cents to another charity shop. This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think.
- No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
- Expensive hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
- Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
- Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes’ eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
- If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
- Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
- Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
- Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
- Increase blind people’s electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn’t looking.
- Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
- International Master Criminals need to tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
- People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty ‘Toblerone’ chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
- Never mix your orange jumpsuit with a clashing gang bandana.
- Teardrops and webbings carved into your face with a razor blade and a ball point pen is tre passé. Slice in something seasonal–like a pineapple. Or a classic like sparkling stars.
- Tired of your daily ration of meatcakes and pudding? Spice it up with plenty of viscous tomato puree or catsup. Remember that not only does catsup kill the taste, it’s almost a vegetable.
- Lower intestine stuffed with a balloon of heroin? Just a tablespoon of Epsom Salt should flush that precious package right out!
- Your submissive cell mate deserves a treat! A little hint of lavender or vanilla will scent the sock you stuff in your bitch’s mouth before dolling out sorely needed discipline. Aromatherapy… it’s a good thang.
- Thinking about rolling up your sleeves while pumping iron? A little soap scum can be used to grease those muscles right up so they glint in the prison yard sun.
- Hot colors this season: Mandarin; Apricot; Traffic Cone; Caribbean Sunset; Pumpkin; Life Preserver; Electric Sunkist.