- Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints.
- Start marketing new “Martha Stewart Soap-on-a-Rope.”
- Schedule hair and nails; think about going short-short and tres butch.
- Begin preparations for inevitable jailhouse conversion to Islam.
- Dump Omnimedia stock before word gets out about the verdict.
- Cut deal with Bush administration in exchange for lucrative post-war Iraqi catering contract.
- Send that nice judge a quilt handmade with $50 bills.
- Berate domestic staffers while I still can.
- Note to self: Next time, bury insider-trading memos in my all-natural recycling compost heap.
- Shoot prosecuting attorneys and have them stuffed for throw pillows.
- Accept offer to pose nude in Better Homes and Gardens.
- Offer large reward for palatable crow recipe.
- Start crocheting toilet-seat doilies, because that metal’s probably cold in the morning.
- Cover paper trail leading to al-Qaeda.
- Request a prison where the uniforms have vertical, not horizontal, stripes.
- Test whether a little club soda and lemon juice can remove stains from a soul.
- Possible strategy for appeal: Blame it all on Scott Peterson!
- Bake a seven-layer white-chocolate cake with framboise ganache. Place file between layers. Freeze.
- Start work on new book: Minimum Security With Maximum Flair.
- Ask Rosie how to say “I’m not interested” in Lesbianese.
- Remember… Outside: “And that’s a GOOD thing!” Inside: “Shit be da bomb, yo!”
- Try to take that bitch Betty Crocker down with me.
- Roll around in a huge friggin’ pile of money one last time before going off to jail.
- Inform High Emperor that climate on this planet has changed; request transfer back to Bitchior.
- Thwart prison rapists by sealing my vagina shut with a hot-glue gun.
- You get a threatening note made up of letters cut from a magazine with pinking shears, and they’re all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
- That little tell-tale slice of lemon in the dog’s water bowl.
- On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen over liquorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
- You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon rose petal and saffron demi-glace with pecan crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint fennel sauce.
- The unmistakable odor of potpourri follows you even after you’ve left the bathroom.
- You discover that every napkin in the house has been folded in the shape of a swan.
- No matter “where” you eat you discover your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
- Twice this week you’ve been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
- Your underwear drawer has been neatly organized by type and color.
- You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
- You wake up one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.
- Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 2022.
- Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl’s shoe inserts into heat pump.
- Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years.
- Spin silk cord to garrote squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and hand write staff their dismissal notes.
- Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
- Make personal address books out of old phone books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of all the people you do not know.
- Review the Christmas ’96 show and try to understand why Julia Child is much beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew.
- Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
- Gild lilies.
- Beat The Donald on the next try.
- Martha De Sade:
Jailed and later demonized in an insane asylum for knitting pornographic doilies as well as for torturing her sex partners with hot lemon-scented summer-candle wax.
- Martha S. Thompson:
Shunned by the white man’s culture after gaining notoriety for her high octane, uncontrolled works of drug induced literature such as “Fear and Loathing in Martha’s Vineyard” and “The White Zinfandel Diary.”
- Martha of Arc:
Accused of being a witch in Omaha in 1951, she was burned at a steakhouse.
- Martha Raye:
Was falsely accused of embellishing the results of her endorsed denture cleanser by soaking her teeth regularly in correction fluid.
- Martha Reeves:
Was inaccurately denounced by devout churchgoers who believed the “Vandellas” were a modern, paganist cult who liked nothing more than cavorting and gyrating in stimulating ways in neighborhood roads and boulevards.
- Martha Washington:
Was once publicly slandered, accused of trying to coerce her husband to move the U.S. capital from Philadelphia to Martha’s Vineyard.
- Martha Plimpton:
While filming the movie Parenthood, was unjustifiably rumored to have said that co-star Keanu Reeves’ “kissing is worse than his kung fu.”
- Martha Osbourne:
Died of an overdose at age 4 after getting into the glove box in her father’s car.
- Martha Mandela:
This Belgian tourist was wrongly jailed in South Africa for 2 weeks in 1983 based solely on her family name.
- Martha Arnold:
Although she turned in her brother Benedict, she was later exiled from America’s new elite class when President Washington’s wife proclaimed, “This country is only big enough for one Martha!”
- Martha Jackson:
Being tone-deaf in a family of musicians was her only sin, but she was abandoned at an orphanage at age 3.
- Martha Simpson:
The mother of OJ, she was there the night of Nicole’s “accident”. Only Martha knows how the gloves got there, and she’s not telling!
- Martha’s way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up
eating it anyway.
- Martha’s way #2: Use a meat baster to “squeeze” your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you’ll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
- Martha’s way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
- Martha’s way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren’t you going to take the shells off anyway?
- Martha’s way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs Or better yet, just get the plastic kind from the grocery store. Lots of juice there.
- Martha’s way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
My way: Eat at Chili’s every night and avoid cooking.
- Martha’s way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won’t be any stains.
My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won’t be any leftovers.
- Martha’s way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
My way: Go to the bakery. They’ll even decorate it for you.
- Martha’s way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess
salt for an instant “fix me up”
My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too bad.
- Martha’s way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
- Martha’s way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don’t do it.
- Martha’s way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be “soft”?
- Martha’s way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn’s natural sweetness.
My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
- Martha’s way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn’t fresh.
- Martha’s way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can’t rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn’t the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.
- Martha’s way #16: Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
My way: Leftover wine?
- Martha’s way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
- Martha’s way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the antibacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.
- Martha’s way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.
- Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.
- Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
- Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
- Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.
- Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don’t know.
- When reading a book, try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.
- A teaspoon placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
- Bus Drivers can pretend they are an airline pilot by wedging their accelerator pedals down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
- Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and jumping the curb.
- Drill a one-inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
- Save gas by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you’ve broken down and help.
- Bomb disposal experts’ wives should keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
- Save electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner’s hat.
- I find the best way to get two bottles of dishwashing liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
- Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
- When throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or bread knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air.
- Avoid being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the trunk until you return.
- If you smell gas, locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
- Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to ‘fast wipe’ whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
- Taxi drivers can just pop into the garage and ask them to fix your turn signals for you so that other motorists know where the hell you’re going.
- Senior Citizens should try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.
- Old contact lenses make ideal ‘portholes’ for small model boats.
- Increase the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.
- Take your trash can to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.
- Make shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
- Save on charity donations by spending a dollar on clothes at a charity shop, then selling them for 50 cents to another charity shop. This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think.
- No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
- Expensive hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
- Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
- Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes’ eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
- If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
- Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
- Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
- Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
- Increase blind people’s electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn’t looking.
- Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
- International Master Criminals need to tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
- People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty ‘Toblerone’ chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
Monday, 9:00 a.m.
This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I handpainted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it from DNA that I just had sitting around in my craft room.
By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I’m serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I’ll let you in on a little secret: I didn’t have time to make the table and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.
Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So, I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get in almost any Hungarian craft store.
Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I’m wearing for breakfast. I’ll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I’ll be making. Hope my breakfast guests don’t stay too long — I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It’s a good thing.
P. S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.
- Never mix your orange jumpsuit with a clashing gang bandana.
- Teardrops and webbings carved into your face with a razor blade and a ball point pen is tre passé. Slice in something seasonal–like a pineapple. Or a classic like sparkling stars.
- Tired of your daily ration of meatcakes and pudding? Spice it up with plenty of viscous tomato puree or catsup. Remember that not only does catsup kill the taste, it’s almost a vegetable.
- Lower intestine stuffed with a balloon of heroin? Just a tablespoon of Epsom Salt should flush that precious package right out!
- Your submissive cell mate deserves a treat! A little hint of lavender or vanilla will scent the sock you stuff in your bitch’s mouth before dolling out sorely needed discipline. Aromatherapy… it’s a good thang.
- Thinking about rolling up your sleeves while pumping iron? A little soap scum can be used to grease those muscles right up so they glint in the prison yard sun.
- Hot colors this season: Mandarin; Apricot; Traffic Cone; Caribbean Sunset; Pumpkin; Life Preserver; Electric Sunkist.
The Old Martha: Martha Kostyra
The New Martha: Martha Stewart
The Old Martha: August 3, 1941
The New Martha: August 3, 1947
- Net Worth:
The Old Martha: $650 million
The New Martha: $400 mil (saved $45K!)
- Favorite Color:
The Old Martha: dollar-bill green
The New Martha: minimum-security orange
- Favorite Movie:
The Old Martha: How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying
The New Martha: The Great Escape
- Favorite Game Show:
The Old Martha: Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
The New Martha: Jeopardy!
- Favorite Beatles Song:
The Old Martha: Baby You’re a Rich Man
The New Martha: I’m a Loser
- Favorite Old TV Show:
The Old Martha: Wonder Woman
The New Martha: The Fugitive
- Favorite Cable Network:
The Old Martha: Home & Garden TV
The New Martha: Court TV
- Biggest Turn-Off:
The Old Martha: Mildew
The New Martha: Squealing to the Feds
- Favorite Sports Team:
The Old Martha: Bucks
The New Martha: Dodgers
- Most Admired Historical Figure:
The Old Martha: Cleopatra
The New Martha: Nixon
- Mission Statement:
The Old Martha: Grab it while the grabbing’s good.
The New Martha: Bring it all crashing down around me.
- Celebrity I Most Want to Meet:
The Old Martha: Ken Lay
The New Martha: Johnnie Cochran
- December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.
Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
- December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
- December 3
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine tails. Flog gardener.
- December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
- December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
- December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
- December 7
Debug Windows 8.
- December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
- December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
- December 12
Take dog house apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
- December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
- December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
- December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “holiday scents” in case tires are shot out at mall.
- December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
- December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
- December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive touch to the pasture.
- December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices, and cinnamon sticks.
- December 22
Float votive candles in toilet.
- December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
- December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
- December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
- December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phyllum.
- December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
- December 31
New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.