Category Archives: Martha Stewart

Martha Stewart’s Christmas Letter to Erma Bombeck

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Hi Erma,

This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it, from DNA that I had just sitting around in my craft room.

By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I’m serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I’ll let you in on a little secret: I didn’t have time to make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.

Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get at almost any Hungarian craft store.

Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I’m wearing for breakfast. I’ll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I’ll be making.

Hope my breakfast guests don’t stay too long, I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It’s a good thing.

Love,
Martha Stewart

P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.

Response from Erma Bombeck:

Dear Martha,

I’m writing this on the back of an old shopping list, pay no attention to the coffee and jelly stains. I’m 20 minutes late getting my daughter up for school, packing a lunch with one hand, on the phone with the dog pound, seems old Ruff needs bailing out again. Burnt my arm on the curling iron when I was trying to make those cute curly fries, how DO they do that? Still can’t find the scissors to cut out some snowflakes, tried using an old disposable razor … trashed the tablecloth. Tried that cranberry thing, frozen cranberries mushed up after I defrosted them in the microwave. Oh, and don’t use Fruity Pebbles as a substitute in that Rice Krispie snowball recipe, unless you happen to like a disgusting shade that resembles puke! The smoke alarm is going off, talk to ya later.

Love,
Erma

Martha Stewart’s Tips for Rednecks

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  • Never take a beer to a job interview.
  • Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
  • It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
  • If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
  • Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
    • DINING OUT
  • When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
  • If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
    • ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
  • A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
  • Do not allow the dog to eat at the table…no matter how good his manners are.
  • If your dog falls in love with a guest’s leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
    • PERSONAL HYGIENE
  • While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
  • Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
  • Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
    • DATING (Outside the Family)
  • Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
  • Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
  • Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
    • THEATER ETIQUETTE
  • Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
  • Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.
    • WEDDINGS
  • Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
  • Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
  • For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
  • Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
    • DRIVING ETIQUETTE
  • Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
  • When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
  • Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
  • When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
  • Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Martha’s To-Do List

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  • Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints.
  • Start marketing new “Martha Stewart Soap-on-a-Rope.”
  • Schedule hair and nails; think about going short-short and tres butch.
  • Begin preparations for inevitable jailhouse conversion to Islam.
  • Dump Omnimedia stock before word gets out about the verdict.
  • Cut deal with Bush administration in exchange for lucrative post-war Iraqi catering contract.
  • Send that nice judge a quilt handmade with $50 bills.
  • Berate domestic staffers while I still can.
  • Note to self: Next time, bury insider-trading memos in my all-natural recycling compost heap.
  • Shoot prosecuting attorneys and have them stuffed for throw pillows.
  • Accept offer to pose nude in Better Homes and Gardens.
  • Offer large reward for palatable crow recipe.
  • Start crocheting toilet-seat doilies, because that metal’s probably cold in the morning.
  • Cover paper trail leading to al-Qaeda.
  • Request a prison where the uniforms have vertical, not horizontal, stripes.
  • Test whether a little club soda and lemon juice can remove stains from a soul.
  • Possible strategy for appeal: Blame it all on Scott Peterson!
  • Bake a seven-layer white-chocolate cake with framboise ganache. Place file between layers. Freeze.
  • Start work on new book: Minimum Security With Maximum Flair.
  • Ask Rosie how to say “I’m not interested” in Lesbianese.
  • Remember… Outside: “And that’s a GOOD thing!” Inside: “Shit be da bomb, yo!”
  • Try to take that bitch Betty Crocker down with me.
  • Roll around in a huge friggin’ pile of money one last time before going off to jail.
  • Inform High Emperor that climate on this planet has changed; request transfer back to Bitchior.
  • Thwart prison rapists by sealing my vagina shut with a hot-glue gun.

Signs You Are Being Stalked by Martha Stewart

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  • You get a threatening note made up of letters cut from a magazine with pinking shears, and they’re all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
  • That little tell-tale slice of lemon in the dog’s water bowl.
  • On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen over liquorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
  • You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon rose petal and saffron demi-glace with pecan crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint fennel sauce.
  • The unmistakable odor of potpourri follows you even after you’ve left the bathroom.
  • You discover that every napkin in the house has been folded in the shape of a swan.
  • No matter “where” you eat you discover your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
  • Twice this week you’ve been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
  • Your underwear drawer has been neatly organized by type and color.
  • You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
  • You wake up one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

Martha’s New Years’ Resolutions

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  • Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 2022.
  • Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl’s shoe inserts into heat pump.
  • Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years.
  • Spin silk cord to garrote squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and hand write staff their dismissal notes.
  • Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
  • Make personal address books out of old phone books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of all the people you do not know.
  • Review the Christmas ’96 show and try to understand why Julia Child is much beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew.
  • Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
  • Gild lilies.
  • Beat The Donald on the next try.

Other Marthas Who Have Been In Trouble

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  • Martha De Sade:
    Jailed and later demonized in an insane asylum for knitting pornographic doilies as well as for torturing her sex partners with hot lemon-scented summer-candle wax.

  • Martha S. Thompson:
    Shunned by the white man’s culture after gaining notoriety for her high octane, uncontrolled works of drug induced literature such as “Fear and Loathing in Martha’s Vineyard” and “The White Zinfandel Diary.”

  • Martha of Arc:
    Accused of being a witch in Omaha in 1951, she was burned at a steakhouse.

  • Martha Raye:
    Was falsely accused of embellishing the results of her endorsed denture cleanser by soaking her teeth regularly in correction fluid.

  • Martha Reeves:
    Was inaccurately denounced by devout churchgoers who believed the “Vandellas” were a modern, paganist cult who liked nothing more than cavorting and gyrating in stimulating ways in neighborhood roads and boulevards.

  • Martha Washington:
    Was once publicly slandered, accused of trying to coerce her husband to move the U.S. capital from Philadelphia to Martha’s Vineyard.

  • Martha Plimpton:
    While filming the movie Parenthood, was unjustifiably rumored to have said that co-star Keanu Reeves’ “kissing is worse than his kung fu.”

  • Martha Osbourne:
    Died of an overdose at age 4 after getting into the glove box in her father’s car.

  • Martha Mandela:
    This Belgian tourist was wrongly jailed in South Africa for 2 weeks in 1983 based solely on her family name.

  • Martha Arnold:
    Although she turned in her brother Benedict, she was later exiled from America’s new elite class when President Washington’s wife proclaimed, “This country is only big enough for one Martha!”

  • Martha Jackson:
    Being tone-deaf in a family of musicians was her only sin, but she was abandoned at an orphanage at age 3.

  • Martha Simpson:
    The mother of OJ, she was there the night of Nicole’s “accident”. Only Martha knows how the gloves got there, and she’s not telling!

Martha’s Way Versus My Way

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  • Martha’s way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

    My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up
    eating it anyway.

  • Martha’s way #2: Use a meat baster to “squeeze” your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you’ll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

    My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

  • Martha’s way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

    My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

  • Martha’s way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.

    My way: Who cares if they crack, aren’t you going to take the shells off anyway?

  • Martha’s way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

    My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs Or better yet, just get the plastic kind from the grocery store. Lots of juice there.

  • Martha’s way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.

    My way: Eat at Chili’s every night and avoid cooking.

  • Martha’s way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won’t be any stains.

    My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won’t be any leftovers.

  • Martha’s way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

    My way: Go to the bakery. They’ll even decorate it for you.

  • Martha’s way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess
    salt for an instant “fix me up”

    My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too bad.

  • Martha’s way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

    My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

  • Martha’s way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

    My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don’t do it.

  • Martha’s way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.

    My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be “soft”?

  • Martha’s way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn’s natural sweetness.

    My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

  • Martha’s way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

    My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn’t fresh.

  • Martha’s way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

    Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can’t rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn’t the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.

  • Martha’s way #16: Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

    My way: Leftover wine?

  • Martha’s way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

    My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

  • Martha’s way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

    My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the antibacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

  • Martha’s way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.
    • Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.
    • Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
    • Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
    • Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

    My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

Tips from Martha Stewart

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  • Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don’t know.
  • When reading a book, try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.
  • A teaspoon placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
  • Bus Drivers can pretend they are an airline pilot by wedging their accelerator pedals down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
  • Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and jumping the curb.
  • Drill a one-inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
  • Save gas by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you’ve broken down and help.
  • Bomb disposal experts’ wives should keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
  • Save electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner’s hat.
  • I find the best way to get two bottles of dishwashing liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
  • Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
  • When throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or bread knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air.
  • Avoid being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the trunk until you return.
  • If you smell gas, locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
  • Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to ‘fast wipe’ whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
  • Taxi drivers can just pop into the garage and ask them to fix your turn signals for you so that other motorists know where the hell you’re going.
  • Senior Citizens should try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.
  • Old contact lenses make ideal ‘portholes’ for small model boats.
  • Increase the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.
  • Take your trash can to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.
  • Make shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
  • Save on charity donations by spending a dollar on clothes at a charity shop, then selling them for 50 cents to another charity shop. This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think.
  • No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
  • Expensive hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
  • Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
  • Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes’ eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
  • If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
  • Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
  • Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
  • Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
  • Increase blind people’s electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn’t looking.
  • Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
  • International Master Criminals need to tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
  • People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty ‘Toblerone’ chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.

A Letter from Martha Stewart

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Monday, 9:00 a.m.

Hi Loretta,

This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I handpainted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it from DNA that I just had sitting around in my craft room.

By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I’m serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I’ll let you in on a little secret: I didn’t have time to make the table and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.

Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So, I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get in almost any Hungarian craft store.

Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I’m wearing for breakfast. I’ll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I’ll be making. Hope my breakfast guests don’t stay too long — I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It’s a good thing.

Love,

Martha Stewart

P. S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.

Martha Haikus

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Domestic guru:
Once a corporate giant,
Now Stewart Little.

Yoda said it best:
“Begun, the ImClone wars have.”
Bantha food are you!

Did Martha just goof?
Or could she possibly be
Rotten to decor?

You brighten the lives
Of so many people. Try
Your huge dyke cellmate.

New lines for this fall?
Attention, K-Mart shoppers:
Orange ensembles!

You have brought much joy.
Now you will bring so many
Cigarette cartons.

It’s gauche, perhaps, but
Handy for prison showers.
Bring soap-on-a-rope.