A Redneck’s Ode to His Valentine

Kudzu is green,
my dog’s name is Blue
And I’m so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue’s
And without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
Which excite me in May.
You ain’t got no scales
But I luv you anyway.

You’re as graceful as okry
Jist a-dancin’ in the pan.
Yo’re as fragrant as SunDrop
Right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth,
For which I am proud;
I hold my head high
When we’re in a crowd.

On special occasions,
When you shave yore armpits,
Well, I’m in hawg heaven,
I’m plumb outta my wits.

And speakin’ of wits,
You’ve got plenty fer shore.
‘Cuz you married me
Back in ’74.

Still them fellers at work
They all want to know,
What I did to deserve
Such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo’re there fer yore man,
To patch up life’s troubles
And stick ’em in the can.

Yo’re as strong as a four-wheeler
Racin’ through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger
Named Naomi Judd.

Yo’re as cute as a junebug
A-buzzin’ overhead.
You ain’t mean like no far ant
Upon which I oft’ tread.

Cut from the best pattern
Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life
Like a Rattletrap shad.

When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.

Yore complexion, it’s perfection,
Like the best vinyl sidin’.
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin’.

And when you get old
Like a ’57 Chevy,
Won’t put you on blocks
And let grass grow up heavy.

Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie
With a RC cold drank,
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine’s Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
It’s romantic that way.

Some men git roses
On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
“That’s impressive,” I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
“Diamonds are forever,”
They explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
These will not do.
For you are too special,
You sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
Without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds
it’s a new ridin’ mower.

Arkansas Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shack,
Not a darn thing was a movin’, from the front to the back.

The kids were in bed, we had nine at the time.
The wife in her curlers, was lookin’ real fine.

A cold wind was blowing’, Up the holler it moaned.
Ten dogs on the porch all howled and groaned.

The boys were all dreamin’ of weapons and guns
for killin’ God’s creatures, there’s no better fun!

The girls in their feminine dreams were attuned
To getting those gallons of Wal-Mart perfume.

The wife wanted jewelry, like rings with big rocks.
I just weanted my Chevy down off of them blocks.

The out in the yard such a noise did commence.
Like something was caught in our new bob-war fence.

I ran to the window, and saw pretty quick.
The man makin’ the racket was good ol’ St. Nick.

You may think of Santa in your own mind’s eye,
dressed in a red and white suit, but I’ve got a surprise.

That old boy’s an Arkie, from up near Mt. Gaylor.
He married his cousin and they live in a trailer.

On Christmas, of course, a sleigh for his rig,
he hooks the thing up to a razorback pig!

He climbed on the roof, with his bag full of goodies,
he backed down the fireplace, all dirty and sooty

Fat legs in his britches, chubby hands in his mittens,
I must admit from the back he looked lots like Bill Clinton.

He turned toward the tree, his eyes all aglow,
He was an Arkansas boy from his head to his toe.

His neck was a red one, his shirt said, “Lite Beer”,
he had no red hat on, but his cap read, “John Deere”.

He left all the presents, with an air of delight,
then back to the chimney, and into the night.

He ran into the yard, threw his bag in the sleigh,
then he yelled at the dogs, “Get the hell out th’ way!”

I ran out to ask him why he brought such good cheer;
but instead he just asked me, “You get you a deer?”

Then I heard him exclaim, as those pigs took flight,
“Merry Christmas to all… I need a Bud Lite!”

State of Arkansas 12th Grade Reading Test

Passage of this Test Mandatory for Diploma

    MR NOT
    MR NOT
    MR NOT
    MR NOT
    MR NOT
    NO JO

Contraceptives are Useless

Dear Dr. Dover:

I wish to apply for an operation to cut my nuts and make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.

After getting married here in West Virginia I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o’clock in the morning?

A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn’t work, and the wife got pregnant.

A lady of several years’ experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy… but the wife got pregnant yet again.

Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again.

I asked the pharmacist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies.

We tried the coil next but that didn’t work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.

The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.

You must appreciate my problems. If I can’t have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can’t believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing.

Yours sincerely
Bubba Brickhead
Morgantown, West Virgina

Signs You’re Going To Have A Dysfunctional, White-Trash Family Thanksgiving

by H. Kent Craig
  • Little sister Sue catches Mama adding a box of Ex-Lax to her special brown gravy to insure that everyone will “be regular” afterwards.
  • Cousin Jen shows up wearing her new mink stole that has a blaze-orange circle-and-slash painted on the back of it, and proudly displays her summons for her court date to answer for beating the crap out of the animal rights activists who ruined her new coat.
  • Brother Bobby, who just flew in for Thanksgiving from some unnamed South American country, keeps popping up like a jack-in-the-box and fiddling with his “piece” in a low-profile belt holster while nervously spying from the kitchen bay window up and down the street with binoculars.
  • Cousin Mikey shows up with his new bride, his three-quarters sister Julie, who is his sister by his father and his oldest full sister.
  • Uncle Max coughs and sputters up in his rusty old pickup, and asks those attending if anyone has a fresh pouch of “Redman” chewing tobacco that he can shove down into the transmission to keep it from leaking all the fluid out until he can make back home.
  • Aunt Carly shows up with Carole, who is her new “best friend” as well as being her current parole officer and live-in lesbian lover and Domme who is also an associate producer on The Jerry Springer Show.
  • Second-cousin Billy Joe brings as his guest his current analyst, who’s doing his doctoral thesis in primitive societal familial subcultures.
  • Uncle Peter, who’s legally blind but can see some shapes and colors and shadows, and who also got legally blind fucking stone drunk before ever showing up with his wife Aunt Millie, keeps “accidentally” nearly falling into all the women and copping feels as he seeks to regain his balance.
  • 13-year-old cousin Timmy asks his Uncle Bobby if he can borrow his thermal-melt scale device, so he can check the purity of an eight-ball “rock” he just bought from your Dad.
  • Uncle Ralph serves the turkey flambe’ by pouring some his famous homemade ‘shine all over it and igniting it with a flick from his unfiltered Camel cigarette, creating a ball of flame that alights what hair is left on Uncle Peter’s head and gives third-degree burns to his balding pate, filling the dining room with the stench of roasting human as well as turkey flesh, as 911 is called for the second time on this special Thanskgiving holiday.

You Know You’re In A Southern Church When…

  • The call to worship is, “Ya’ll come on in now.”
  • People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
  • The preacher says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering and 5 guys stand up.
  • The restrooms are outside.
  • Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
  • A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck, because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of.”
  • When it rains, everyone is smiling.
  • Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.
  • The choir group is known as the “OK Chorale.”
  • The pastor wears boots.
  • Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.
  • There is no such thing as a “secret” sin.
  • Baptism is referred to as “branding”.
  • There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank.
  • Finding and returning lost sheep isn’t just a parable.
  • High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.
  • People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
  • People think “rapture” is when you lift something too heavy.
  • Baptisms take place in the creek behind the church.
  • The final words of the benediction are, “Ya’ll come back now, ya hear?”

You Might Be Po’ White Trash If…

  • You think “loading the dishwasher” means getting your wife drunk
  • The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
  • You were shooting pool when any of your children were born.
  • Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos.”
  • Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.”
  • You’ve ever given rat traps as gifts.
  • You clean your fingernails with a stick.
  • You’ve ever hit a deer with your car, deliberately.
  • Your mother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
  • You keep a can of RAID on your kitchen table.
  • You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.
  • There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
  • You ever got too drunk to fish.
  • You consider the fifth grade your senior year.
  • Directions to your house include, “Turn off the paved road.”
  • The dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
  • Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  • You think the French Riviera is a foreign car
  • You prefer car keys to Q-Tips.
  • You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
  • The gas pedal in your car is shaped like a bare foot.
  • You’ve ever bought a used hat.
  • You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a dog.
  • You’re considered an expert on worm beds.
  • You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
  • Your stove is on the porch and your lawn chairs are in the kitchen.
  • “Bambi” made you hungry for rabbit.
  • You learned to drive in a monster truck.
  • You spit chewing tobacco in the plants.
  • Your wedding reception included a beer brunch.
  • You believe books are bad luck.
  • You believe all-star wrestling should be an Olympic competition.
  • You believe all-star wrestling.
  • You recycle motor oil by moving it from the car to the truck.
  • You think a “thesaurus” was a dinosaur.

Redneck Computing

You know you’re a good ol’ boy computer operator if…

  • Most of the e-mail you receive comes from people who want to borrow your truck.
  • You’re right proud of that Jack Daniels mouse pad that you keep on your desk.
  • When your Mac is running a little slow, you try to fix it by squirtin’ it real good with some WD-40.
  • You can’t understand why the spell checker on your word processing software doesn’t recognize the words “col’beer”, “hon”, and “frog-strangler”.
  • One thing that bothers you is how hardly anyone who sends out e-mail has a handle. You get the itch to start a message with the words, “Hey, good buddy, you got your ears on?”
  • You can’t figure out why Microsoft doesn’t have its own NASCAR team. I mean, if it’s good enough for Cheerios, Valvoline, and the Cartoon Network, it ought to be good enough for Bill Gates, right?
  • Instead of “bytes”, you think of it as “horsepower”.
  • You finally decided to buy a computer after the Gun and Knife Show went online.
  • You have been thrown out of several chat rooms for cussing and trying to start an online fistfight.
  • Your keyboard looks a little different than everyone else’s. Instead of an apple, your command button has an okra on it.
  • Congratufreakin’lations – you hold the world record for most number of hits – on the World Wrestling Federation web page.
  • The reason your printer is jammed is that you dropped your tobacco chew spit cup into the paper holder.
  • Most of the e-mail you send starts with “I’ll tell you what,” “This ain’t no bull,” or “It’s got to where you cain’t…”
  • Some guy asked you about your floppy, so naturally you decked him.
  • You’re pretty sure computers would work better if Briggs & Stratton began marketing a model that cranks up with a pull rope.
  • You think that every child should be linked up to the Internet for educational purposes. But you with there was more information about how to dynamite fish or build your own still.
  • Your favorite search engine is Yahoo, because you run around screaming it during football games and wrestling matches anyway.
  • The only reason you had your computer equipped with a CD-ROM was so you could listen to Merle Haggard.
  • You figure computer science will have peaked when you can buy a 12-pack of Old Milwaukee online without leaving your doublewide.

You May Be A Redneck If…

By Jeff Foxworthy
  • You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’oeuvre
  • You’ve ever been blacklisted from a bowling alley
  • You’ve ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop
  • There is a stuffed ‘possum mounted anywhere in your house
  • You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper quality entertainment
  • Less than half the cars you own run
  • The primary color of your car is “Bond-O”
  • You have Pabst Blue Ribbon on tap in your bathroom
  • Directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”
  • You honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures
  • Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people
  • The manager of the sewage treatment plant tells you it’s time to wash your hair
  • Everybody you meet can tell what kind of underwear you’re wearing
  • You have a rag for a gas cap
  • You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger side window
  • The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights
  • You grow corn in your front yard
  • Your father fully executes the “pull my finger” trick during Thanksgiving dinner
  • All your four letter words are two syllables
  • You’ve ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts
  • Your front porch has kitchen appliances on it
  • Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs
  • The “Save Naugahyde” protection group chooses your house as a picket site
  • Your mother genuinely admires your girlfriend’s tattoos
  • You’ve ever been arrested for relieving yourself in an ice machine
  • You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy
  • The fountain at your wedding spewed beer instead of champagne
  • You’ve ever been fired from a construction job due to your appearance
  • After removing the empty beer cans from you car you find you get 15 more miles to the gallon
  • It’s impossible to see the food stains on the fabric of your work uniform
  • You need one more hole punched in you card before you get a “freebie” at the House of Tattoos
  • You don’t need a clean shirt to go to work
  • The family business requires a lookout
  • You think the “six to ten pounds” on the side of the Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold
  • The cockroaches left you a note saying, “Clean this place up!”
  • When you hold a frog, it worries about getting warts
  • You paint your car with housepaint
  • You think a nutcracker is something you do off the high dive
  • You know how to milk a goat
  • Your best pick-up line for women is written on your ever-present baseball cap
  • You refer to you van as “The Love Machine”
  • You have mason jars filled with stuff even the FBI can’t identify
  • You see a sign that says “Just Say No to Crack” and it reminds you to pull up your jeans
  • There are tobacco stains down the side of your truck
  • You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
  • Your belt buckle is bigger than your head
  • The Orkin man tells you, “Give up; you’ve lost”
  • You think paprika is a Third world country
  • You think cow tipping should be an Olympic sport
  • You wet the bed and four other people immediately know it
  • Today’s dinner was too slow crossing the highway yesterday
  • Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night requires shoes and a flashlight

Martha Stewart’s Tips for Rednecks

  • Never take a beer to a job interview.
  • Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
  • It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
  • If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
  • Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
  • When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
  • If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
  • A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
  • Do not allow the dog to eat at the table…no matter how good his manners are.
  • If your dog falls in love with a guest’s leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
  • While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
  • Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
  • Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
  • DATING (Outside the Family)
  • Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
  • Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
  • Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
  • Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
  • Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.
  • Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
  • Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
  • For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
  • Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
  • Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
  • When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
  • Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
  • When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
  • Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.