Category Archives: Weather/Nature

Office Procedures for Storms

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Office Procedures Concerning Storm and Office Closings

As we watch the progress of the storm, the following are the firm’s guidelines based upon the hurricane’s intensity:

  • Hurricane Category #1
    No excuse for being late. Leave earlier to give extra time to avoid fallen trees and limbs.
  • Hurricane Category #2
    Due to the horizontal rain, you may wear jeans.
  • Hurricane Category #3
    Whereas most of the area will be flooded we suggest you avoid wearing open toe sandals when coming to work. Canoes will be provided to get to the building safely without getting wet.
  • Hurricane Category #4
    More than likely there will be no electricity. Given that, we will have manual typewriters available to all staff members. Please take extra caution and wear water-proof make-up if Category 4 or above.
  • Hurricane Category #5
    Velcro will be provided to keep you attached to your chairs when the windows blow out. For those that survive, we will have chocolate cake at 3:00 pm in the kitchen.

Have A Nice Day!

Thanks,
Management

Earthquake Safety Tips

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Never let it be said that I am solely interested in entertaining you. Sometimes I come across an article of such helpful significance I feel compelled to share it with you. The following is such an article:

Earthquakes can strike without warning, and being prepared for such a disaster can mean the difference between life and death. Here are some tips to help you and your loved ones make it through a quake:

  • Those living in areas not prone to earthquakes can respond quickly to the plight of disaster victims in quake zones by complacently smirking and saying, “I told you so.”
  • To minimize loss and damage in a quake, try not to own things.
  • Experiencing an earthquake is terrifying, but a majority of people caught in one do survive. During the tremors, try to resist the temptation to have sex with pets or houseplants.
  • Practice your burrowing-out-from-under-40-tons-of-rubble skills ahead of time.
  • Look out your window often. If you see a large, zig-zag-shaped crevasse moving rapidly from the horizon toward your home, step either to the right or the left.
  • Do you have a treasured childhood toy? Perhaps a stuffed animal, such as a teddy bear? Well, let’s see Mr. Bear help you now.
  • For those who fear earthquakes, it may comfort you to know that a majority of the damage during the 1906 San Francisco earthquake did not come from the tremors themselves. Instead, it was from the raging, out-of-control fires that consumed most of the city.
  • A doorway is the safest place to be during a quake. Eat, sleep and work in doorways.
  • Be sure to mail your house-insurance payments a full five business days before a major earthquake strikes.
  • In the event of a quake, get under something heavy, such as a desk, a table or your uncle.
  • If you are caught in a major earthquake in Southern California and are part of the entertainment industry, take a moment or two to reflect on how grossly you’ve wasted your life.

Caught!

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Read the TEXT FIRST, then open the photo.

They were alone in the house. It was a cold, dark stormy night. The storm had come up quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump. She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance and wished that he would take her in his arm, comfort her, protect her from the storm, she wanted that…then the power went out. She screamed.

He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He did not hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn’t resist but instead clung to him. The storm raged on… as did their growing passion and there came a moment when each knew that they had to be together.

They knew it was wrong, their families would not understand, but so consumed in their passion they didn’t hear the door or the click of the light switch… the power was back on…

 

(NOW Click here to open the file)

It is So Dry in Arizona That…

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  • The cows are giving evaporated milk.
  • The trees are whistling for the dogs.
  • You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
  • You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
  • You can make instant sun tea.
  • You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
  • The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
  • You know the best parking place is in the shade, not distance from the door.
  • Your biggest fear in the case of a wreck is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”
  • A sad native prayed in Church today, “Please, God, let it rain – not so much for me, cuz I’ve seen it – but for my 7-year-old.”

  • A visitor once asked, “Does it ever rain in Arizona?”
    A rancher quickly answered, “Yes, it does. Do you remember in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?”
    The visitor replied, “Yes, I’m familiar with Noah’s flood.”
    “Well,” the rancher puffed up, “We got about two and a half inches of that.”

Measuring the Cold

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  • +60/+15 C
    Californians put on sweaters.
    Coloradans put on shorts.
    People in Span wear winter coats and gloves.
    Finns are out in the sun, getting a tan.

  • +50/+10 C
    Miami residents turn on the heat.
    Californians break out the heavy winter coats, hats, and gloves.
    The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.
    The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.

  • +45/+7 C
    Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.

  • +40/+5 C
    You can see your breath.
    Californians shiver uncontrollably.
    Minnesoootans go swimming.
    Coloradans might break out a light jacket.
    Finns are out cruising in cabriolets

  • +35
    Italian cars don’t start.

  • +32/+0 C
    Water freezes.

  • +30
    You plan your vacation in Australia.
    Californians weep pitiably.

  • +25/-5 C
    Ohio water freezes.
    People in California almost freeze to death.
    Minnesoootans eat ice cream.
    Canadians go swimming.
    Coloradans will wear that jacket, and maybe gloves.
    The Finns have their final barbeque before winter.

  • +20
    Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.
    New York City water freezes.
    Miami residents plan vacation further south.

  • +15/-10 C
    French cars don’t start.
    Cat insists on sleeping with you.
    The British start the heat in their houses.
    The Finns start using long sleeves.

  • +10
    You need jumper cables to get the car going.

  • +5/-15 C
    American cars don’t start.

  • 0/-18 C
    Alaskans put on T-shirts.
    Coloradans admit it is cold.
    The Aussies flee from Mallorca.
    The Finns end their Midsummer celebrations.

  • -10/-23 C
    German cars don’t start.
    Eyes freeze shut when you blink.

  • -15/-26 C
    You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
    Arkansans stick tongues on metal objects.
    Miami residents cease to exist.

  • -20/-29 C
    Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you.
    Politicians actually do something about the homeless.
    Minnesoootans shovel snow off roof.
    Japanese cars don’t start.

  • -25/-32 C
    Too cold to think.
    You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
    People in Greece die from the cold.
    The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.

  • -30/-34 C
    You plan a two week hot bath.
    Swedish cars don’t start.

  • -40/-40 C
    Californians disappear.
    Minnesoootans button top button.
    Canadians put on sweater.
    Your car helps you plan your trip south.
    Paris starts cracking in the cold.
    The Finns stand in line at the hotdog stands.

  • -50/-45 C
    Congressional hot air freezes.
    Alaskans close the bathroom window.
    Polar Bears start evacuating the North Pole.
    The Finnish army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.

  • -80/-62 C
    Hell freezes over.
    Polar bears move south.
    Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
    Santa’s home freezes.
    The Finns rent a movie and stay indoors.

  • -90/-68 C
    Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
    The false Santa moves south.
    Finns can’t store their Kossu outdoors any longer.
    The Finnish army goes out on winter survival training.

  • -100/-73 C
    Canadian buildings turn off air conditioning.
    The Finns start saying, “Perkele, it’s cold outside today.”.

You Know It’s Hot Outside When…

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  • You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
  • Your computer won’t work unless it has it’s own AC blowing on it.
  • Hot air balloons can’t go up, because the air outside is hotter than the air inside.
  • Airplanes can’t land because the asphalt is too soft.
  • You discover that it only takes two fingers to drive your car.
  • The swans in the park come in “original recipe” and “extra crispy.”
  • Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.
  • The strawberries are ripe and the cab drivers are riper.
  • Your pool water starts to boil in the sun.
  • The hot-dogs sold outside Yankee Stadium are actually hot.
  • Pigs complain about sweating like fat humans.
  • A scalding hot shower still cools you down.
  • You’ve been getting hot flashes, and you’re a man.
  • People walking down the sidewalk spontaneously burst into flames.
  • A $20 surcharge is added to your bill when you eat at air-conditioned restaurants.
  • The politicians take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves.
  • You need a spatula to remove your clothing.
  • When the beer gut and big butt don’t keep you from wearing shorts.
  • You wish you had gotten the cloth seats instead of leather.
  • You ask your boss for extra work so you can be in the air conditioning as much as possible.
  • You are sweating in both directions — up and down!
  • Lawyers kill themselves because they know it’s cooler in Hell.
  • It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is moving on the streets.
  • Sunscreen is sold at the front of the checkout counter, a formula less than 30 spf is a joke, and you wear it just to go shopping.
  • You burn your hand opening the car door.
  • You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
  • You are sitting inside reading these jokes.
  • Your brother’s braces make blisters on his lips.

Is It Going to be Cold?

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In October, the Indians asked their Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing the answer, the chief replied that the winter will be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to a phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is this winter to be cold?”

The man on the phone responded, “This winter is indeed going to be very cold.”

So the Chief went back to encourage his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, and asked again, “Is it going to be a very cold winter?”

“Yes,” the man replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”

The Chief went back to his people and ordered them to go out and bring back every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that this winter is going to be very cold?”

“Absolutely” the man replies, “the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!”

Now, That’s Cold!

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There were three Eskimos in Alaska sitting in a local bar. They got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.

They went to the first Eskimo’s igloo, where he said “Watch this!” and poured a cup of water into the air. Naturally, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid.

“Not bad”, said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

They went to the second Eskimo’s igloo, and he said “Watch this!” and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.

“Wow, that’s colder than mine!” said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.

So they ended up at the third Eskimo’s igloo. He said “Watch this!” and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went “FFFAAAARRRRTTT”.

Diary of a Snow Shoveler

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  • December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

  • December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be
    a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.
    I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I
    got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

  • December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man I’m glad he’s our neighbor.
  • December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snow plow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.
  • December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.
  • December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
  • December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should have bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. Lord, I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.
  • December 20: Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out.

    Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

  • December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the butthole is lying.
  • December 23: Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to zero degrees. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.
  • December 24: 6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the darn snowplow.

  • December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. Lord, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation, and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to kill her.

  • December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.
  • December 27: Temperature dropped to -30° and the pipes froze.
  • December 28: Warmed up to above -10°. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!
  • December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
  • December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.
  • December 31: Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.
  • January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?