Rules that Guys Wish Women Knew

  • If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
  • Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, Put it down. When you’re done with the toilet seat, put it back up.
  • Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
  • Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
  • If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to; expect an answer you do not want to hear.
  • Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
  • Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
  • Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
  • Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
  • When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
  • You have enough clothes.
  • You have too many shoes.
  • Crying is blackmail.
  • Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
  • Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
  • No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
  • Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.
  • Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
  • Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
  • Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
  • A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
  • Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
  • Check your oil!
  • Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
  • It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
  • No, it does not matter which quiz.
  • Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
  • If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
  • If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
  • Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.
  • Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
  • You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
  • Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  • Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
  • Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. If you dress like an easy woman, you should expect to be treated like one.
  • More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
  • The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
  • ALL men see in only 16 colors, like old windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
  • Pumpkin is also a fruit.
  • If it itches, it will be scratched. Also, if we have to pass gas or burp, we will.
  • Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
  • If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
  • We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
  • If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
  • If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about making out with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.
  • What the hell is a doily?

T-Shirts For Women Who Take No Crap

  • I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.
  • Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
  • Remember my name – you’ll be screaming it later.
  • Of course I don’t look busy… I did it right the first time.
  • Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
  • I’m multi-talented: I can talk and tick you off at the same time.
  • Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
  • You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
  • Don’t tick me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
  • Guys have feelings too. But like… who cares?
  • I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.
  • Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
  • I hate everybody, and you’re next.
  • Please don’t make me kill you.
  • And your point is…
  • I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now.
  • All stressed out and no one to choke.
  • I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.
  • How can I miss you if you won’t go away?

Yuppie Women

  • Father to Yuppette’s boyfriend, who arrived to take her on a date: “She’ll be right down. Care for a game of chess ?”
  • One Yuppette to another: “He likes my company, and I just love his. I think it’s called the First Fidelity Trust.”
  • Two Yuppettes were discussing their current relationships: “At first he seemed dull and uninteresting, but when you finally get to know him, he’s downright boring.”
  • The Yuppette was considering the proposal of marriage she had just received: “Let me hear that part again where you realize you’re not half good enough for me.”
  • The Yuppette was standing on the porch, with her Mother, watching her boyfriend depart: “But Mother, I’m positive he’s been faithful to me. The seat belts never need readjusting.”
  • I have a new definition for y’all to consider. A Lesbian Yuppette is nothing more than a mannish depressive with delusions of gender.
  • So many Yuppettes seem to appreciate the quiet things in life — Like the folding of a five hundred dollar bill.
  • The Yuppette was obviously tiring of her current beau when she asked: “When people ask me what I see in you Raymond, what shall I tell them?”

  • The bored Yuppette said to her date: “I think I’ll have another drink. It makes you so witty and charming.”
  • The Yuppette was trying to reassure her lover during sex: “Of course you’re not the first man I’ve made love to. You know I think more of you than to just use you as a guinea pig.”
  • It’s easy to spot the nouveau riche Yuppettes in Columbia, Maryland. They’re the ones watering their flower beds with bottled water.
  • You’ll very seldom see a Yuppette eating a hot dog. None are certified or warranted by the Kennel Club.
  • Most Yuppette’s have no use for men who try to mess up the country’s economy by living within their income.
  • I’ve noticed the oddest behavior in most Yuppettes. The only time they won’t look in a mirror is when they’re pulling out of a parking space.
  • This phrase that most Yuppettes use — “professional woman.” I mean, come on. When’s the last time you met an “amateur” one?

Reasons Why Women are Better than Guitars

  • Women are more fun when the power goes out
  • You can’t get your guitar wet
  • Ever try to screw a guitar?
  • The input to a guitar is only 1/4″ (ouch!)
  • A guitar won’t beg to be played
  • It’s no fun to tie your guitar to a bed and spray whipped cream on it
  • When playing a guitar, you can use your teeth, but not your tongue
  • Guitars aren’t very aggressive
  • A guitar won’t play you back
  • You need two hands to make a guitar scream
  • A guitar won’t scratch *your* back
  • A guitar won’t drive you home if you’re too drunk
  • A guitar doesn’t care who plays it
  • You can’t play two guitars at once
  • You can’t fall in love with a guitar
  • It’s a lot more fun to stretch out a woman than guitar strings.
  • Guitar lessons aren’t free and aren’t as much fun.
  • If you really *do* want little guitars, you have to buy them.
  • You can’t marry a rich guitar.
  • Even a good guitar won’t usually last a whole lifetime.
  • Guitars don’t taste very good.
  • A guitar won’t give you head.

What Men Are Like

  • Men are like…..Coffee.
    The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long.
  • Men are like…..Chocolate Bars.
    Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
  • Men are like…..Blenders.
    You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
  • Men are like…..Coolers.
    Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
  • Men are like…..Copiers.
    You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.
  • Men are like…..Curling irons.
    They’re always hot, and they’re always in your hair.
  • Men are like…..Government bonds.
    They take so long to mature.
  • Men are like…..High heels.
    They’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
  • Men are like…..Horoscopes.
    They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
  • Men are like…..Lava lamps.
    Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
  • Men are like…..Laxatives.
    They irritate the shit out of you.
  • Men are like…..Mascara.
    They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
  • Men are like…..Mini skirts.
    If you’re not careful, they’ll creep up on your butt.
  • Men are like…..Noodles.
    They’re always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
  • Men are like…..Parking spots.
    The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.
  • Men are like…..Plungers.
    They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
  • Men are like…..Popcorn.
    They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
  • Men are like…..Placemats.
    They only show up when there’s food on the table.
  • Men are like…..Snowstorms.
    You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long he will last.
  • Men are like…..Used Cars.
    Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.
  • Men are like…..Vacations.
    They never seem to be long enough.
  • Men are like…..Weather
    Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

What I Want in a Man

  • What I Want in a Man (age 22)
    Financially successful
    A caring listener
    In good shape
    Dresses with style
    Appreciates finer things
    Full of thoughtful surprises
    An imaginative, romantic lover, every day of the week
  • What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
    Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
    Opens car doors, holds chairs
    Has enough money for a nice dinner
    Listens more than talks
    Laughs at my jokes
    Carries bags of groceries with ease
    Owns at least one tie
    Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
    Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
    Seeks romance at least 4-5 times a week
  • What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
    Not too ugly (bald head OK)
    Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
    Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
    Nods head when I’m talking
    Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
    Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
    Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
    Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
    Remembers to put the toilet seat down
    Shaves most weekends
    Interested in romance 2-3 times a week
  • What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
    Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
    Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
    Doesn’t borrow money too often
    Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
    Doesn’t retell the same joke too many times
    Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
    Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
    Appreciates a good TV dinner
    Remembers your name on occasion
    Shaves some weekends
    Hope for a kiss each day
  • What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
    Doesn’t scare small children
    Remembers where bathroom is
    Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
    Only snores lightly when asleep
    Remembers why he’s laughing
    Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
    Usually wears some clothes
    Likes soft foods
    Remembers where he left his teeth
    Remembers that it’s the weekend
    Remembers what romance was like
  • What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
    Doesn’t miss the toilet

Ways to Drive the Man in Your Life Crazy

  • Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house. (Hide them well.)
  • Organize his workshop, bedroom, or other special place.
  • Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of Ring Dings.
  • Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest that he’s gained a few pounds.
  • Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother’s side.
  • “Accidentally” fill the gas tank of his new Porsche with diesel.
  • Repeatedly misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a different room each time.
  • Repeatedly lose his cellular phone in restaurants around town.
  • Loan his precious cellular phone to a pregnant girlfriend who “needs it more than he does.”
  • Insist upon a lot of “meaningful conversations.”
  • If you live together, have your mother fly in for a month-long visit unannounced.
  • Reverse his contact lenses in their case.
  • Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, then follow him with a camera to capture his “sinking” on film.
  • Superglue the pages of his Little Black Book together.
  • Give the secret stash of dirty magazines that he thinks you don’t know about to his younger brother, who he hates.
  • Put a gummy worm in his workboots. If he finds the sticky mess at the end of the day, blame it on the cat.
  • Slip outside while he is engrossed in his sports and let the air out of one tire. Repeat, never deflating the same tire twice in a row. Try hard not to snicker when he takes the car in for new tires.
  • If you really feel adventurous, put a small rock in his hubcap. Stand back and watch the fun. This one is even better if you have kids in the neighborhood to take the blame.
  • Along the same lines, remove his gas cap.

Introducing… The Invisible Fence Bra

From the folks who make the Invisible Fence for cats and dogs, now comes the Invisible Fence Bra for your teenage daughter!

Using advanced electromagnetic technology, the Invisible Fence Bra creates a safety zone around Daddy’s Little Angel.

If a horny young bastard has decided to skip the Church social and head right to the Devil’s Playground, your daughter will be safe and secure with this bra. Attempting to remove it without keying in the secret combination results in a “slight correction” to the horny young bastard.

Voltage levels are set in ten ascending doses including: “Don’t Go There, Boyfriend”, “Freddy’ll Lose His Fingers”, “Rushin’ Hands, Electrocuted Fingers”, “Char Your Fingers To The Bone”, and, the ultimate level, “Any Last Words Before We Throw The Switch?”

Ladies, do *you* have a boss that likes to reach over your shoulder for a pencil on your desk? The Invisible Fence Bra has an accessory which clips underneath your chair. When the boss’s hand dips into the the “No Fly Zone”, the magnetic field of the bra triggers the mechanical arm of the accessory we like to call: “Balls Through The Wall.” Your boss can then apply for a role on “The Sopranos.”

Don’t delay! Operators are standing by now.

Rita Rudner’s 50 Facts About Men

  • Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
  • Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced
    pain and bought jewelry.
  • If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband’s early films end with a scream and a flush.
  • Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of “rich” usually cancels out the nice of “bald.”
  • Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
  • Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they’re really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
  • If it’s attention you want, don’t get involved with a man during play-off season.
  • Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
  • Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
  • All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
  • The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
  • Don’t try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
  • Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
  • All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
  • A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
  • Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
  • All men hate to hear “We need to talk about our relationship.” These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
  • Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
  • Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
  • All men think that they’re nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
  • Men don’t get cellulite. God might just be a man.
  • Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing
    and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
  • Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
  • Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I’ve never seen a man walk into a party and say “Oh, my God, I’m so embarrassed; get me out of here. There’s another man wearing a black tuxedo.”
  • Most men hate to shop. That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
  • If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
  • If you’re dating a man who you think might be “Mr. Right,” if he

    a) got older,
    b) got a new job, or
    c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise.

  • The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
  • Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders’ outfits get tighter and briefer, and players’ shorts get baggier and longer.
  • No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
  • When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
  • Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
  • Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
  • Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?” Most men are outrospective: “Did my team win? How’s my car?”
  • If a man says, “I’ll call you,” and he doesn’t, he didn’t forget… he didn’t lose your number…he didn’t die. He just didn’t want to call you.
  • Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, “Are we going to have sex again?” He said, “Yes, but not with each other.”
  • Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
  • Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. “Get out” and “I never want to see you again” might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, “I love you…I want to marry you…I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave skid marks.
  • Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: “Mitch, you look great.” Mitch: “Thanks.” On the other side: “Ruth, you look great.” Ruth: “I do? Must be the lighting.”
  • Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
  • Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
  • Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she’s wearing a jumpsuit.
  • Men don’t feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women’s dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
  • Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
  • When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries on clothing from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
  • Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause
    you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause – you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
  • Men forget everything; women remember everything.
  • That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.
  • Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
  • All men would still really like to own a train set.

Why Oreos are Better than Men

  • They don’t scream if you twist them too hard.
  • They don’t get drunk and throw up in your bed.
  • They are always good.
  • They go away when you want them too.
  • Rather have chocolate in your teeth than hair.
  • Don’t have to worry about the last person who ate one.
  • It’s always fun to swallow.
  • They never talk.
  • When it makes a mess in your bed, it’s easy to clean.
  • The creamy white stuff tastes good.