Life in the 1500’s

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the B.O.

Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water”.

Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets… dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, “It’s raining cats and dogs.”

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So, they found if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that problem. Hence those beautiful big four-poster beds with canopies.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying “dirt poor.” The wealthy had slate floors which would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a “thresh hold”.

They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They mostly ate vegetables and didn’t get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been in there for a month. Hence the rhyme: peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.”

Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when that happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man “could really bring home the bacon.” They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and “chew the fat.”

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This happened most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes… for 400 years.

Most people didn’t have pewter plates, but had trenchers – a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy trenchers, they would get “trench mouth.”

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the “upper crust”.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a “wake”.

England is old and small, and they started running out of places to bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house and reuse the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence on the “graveyard shift” they would know that someone was “saved by the bell” or he was a “dead ringer”.

The World as 100 People

If we could shrink the Earth’s population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same; the village would look like this:

  • There would be 57 Asians, 21 Europeans, 14 from the western hemisphere (north and south) and 8 Africans.
  • 51 would be female; 49 would be male
  • 70 would be non-white; 30 white
  • 70 would be non-Christian; 30 Christian
  • 50% of the entire world’s wealth would be in the hands of only 6 people and all 6 would be from the United States
  • 80 would live in substandard housing and 70 would be unable to read
  • 50 would suffer from malnutrition
  • 1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth
  • Only 1 would have a college education
  • No one would own a computer

Understanding Investments

  • Stock
    A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
  • Bond
    What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.
  • Broker
    The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell “Broke”.
  • Bear
    What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
  • Bull
    What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
  • Margin
    Where you scribble the latest quotes when you’re supposed to be listening to your manager’s presentation.
  • Short Position
    A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn’t actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. “The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I’m a little short this month.”).
  • Commission
    The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
  • Yak
    What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.

The “Two Cow Explanation” Of What Makes…

  • A Christian Democrat
    You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
  • A Socialist
    You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
  • A Republican
    You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
  • A Democrat
    You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You
    vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
  • A Communist
    You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
  • A Fascist
    You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
  • Democracy, American Style
    You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
  • Capitalism, American Style
    You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
  • Bureaucracy, American Style
    You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
  • An American Corporation
    You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
  • A French Corporation
    You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
  • A Japanese Corporation
    You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
  • A German Corporation
    You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
  • An Italian Corporation
    You have two cows but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.
  • A Russian Corporation
    You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
  • An Indian Corporation
    You have two cows. You worship them.
  • A Mexican Corporation
    You think you have two cows, but you don’t know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.
  • A Swiss Corporation
    You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.
  • A Brazilian Corporation
    You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows, and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

Trivial Pursuits

  • Mosquito repellents don’t repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito’s sensors so they don’t know you’re there.
  • Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
  • The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
  • Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
  • 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.
  • You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
  • Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
  • The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.
  • The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
  • A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother’s first flight.
  • Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
  • Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
  • The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
  • Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
  • Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
  • Adolf Hitler’s mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
  • All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn’t like being seen wearing them in public.
  • Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
  • Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word “criminal.” The second? ………………….William Jefferson Clinton

Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Went Out In The Real World

  • Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying “Why, thank you” (though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent).
  • Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on stage singing, some are in the audience as critics and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.
  • Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
  • When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
  • Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiters and doesn’t like dogs/cats.
  • Good sex should involve laughter. Because think about it, it is funny.
  • You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.
  • The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship “I apologize” and “You are right.”
  • Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  • When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.
  • The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was, “Go! You might meet somebody!”
  • If he/she says that you are too good for him/her – believe it.
  • I’ve learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, ‘Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?’
  • Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
  • If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
  • Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
  • Knowing how to listen to music is as great a talent as knowing how to make it.
  • Work is good but it’s not that important.
  • Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.
  • And finally… Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

The Lesson of Life

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.

A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

The moral of the story:

  • Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
  • Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily your friend.
  • And, if you’re warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut.

Rap-Enhanced

At a red light today, my friend and I were in danger of being cooked alive by the sonic energy of the sound waves from the radio in the car next to us.

The car was being driven by a couple of brothas who were, shall we say, “Rap-Enhanced.” They were having a rather animated conversation with some otha brotha in the *next* car over. Because of the volume of the radios involved, it was difficult to make out their conversations, but I gathered each party was pleased to have truck driving moms as they talked incessantly about those motha truckas with each sentence.

My friend turned to me and asked if Columbus had any gangs. I honestly don’t know, but I assumed all big cities had gangs. But I got to thinking about it. I know Los Angeles has the Crips and Bloods and that those gangs have gone beyond LA. But, how do they *do* that? Do each of these gangs have some sort of “Franchise Department”? Somebody who comes to a new “territory” and lays out the rules, collects a franchise fee, and tells the new “manager” how many people they’re expected to kill to meet this month’s quota?

Do gang members get sick time? Paid time off? Incentives based on the number of drive by shootings? Is there some formula to base commissions on the number of “caps popped in asses”?

What about non-competes? What if one morning you wake up and say, “I’m not pleased with the management structure of the Crip Corporation and I believe my talents would best be utilized with Blood Business, Inc.”? Surely there’d be a non-disclosure clause at the very least. I can’t imagine the Crips would, as an organization, like the Bloods to know where all of their trucking moms are.

Why Do We Say…

England is old and so small that they started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and re-use the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence the terms “graveyard shift”, “saved by the bell” and he was a “dead ringer”.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a “wake” and the origin of “making enough noise to wake the dead”.

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June, although they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the b.o.

Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually loose someone in it. Hence the saying, “don’t throw the baby out with the bath water”.

Houses had thatched roofs – thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets… dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, “it’s raining cats and dogs.”…. With nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed, so they found if they made beds with big posts and hang a sheet over the top, it addressed that problem. Hence those beautiful big 4 poster beds with canopies.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying “dirt poor”. The wealthy had slate floors which in the winter they would get slippery when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a “threshold”.

Off By One

In a recent contest in The Washington Post, readers were asked to take an expression using a number, add or subtract one, and create a new definition:

  • The Year 2001 Problem
    How to find jobs for all those programmers hired to solve the Year 2000 problem.
  • Catch-23
    Complete the previous catch before proceeding to this step.
  • Fortune 501
    Levi Strauss makes the list, but just by the seat of its pants.
  • Motel 5
    If you’re not there by midnight, they turn off the light.
  • Dressed to the Eights
    Impeccably attired with white socks.
  • Six Brides for Seven Brothers
    Someone’s gonna get hurt!
  • Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs
    The title, before they expelled Gassy.
  • Five Eyes
    Other kids can be so cruel when you are Siamese twins, and one of you is wearing a monocle.
  • 665
    The mark on the forehead of Satan’s slightly less evil brother, Ralph.