Category Archives: Dirty

At the Monastery

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A window cleaner goes to a monastery looking for work. The Abbot hires him but tells him to clean all the windows except the top three.

So the window cleaner cleans all the windows except the top three for years and years until curiosity finally gets the better of him. He puts his ladder up against the first of the three windows and looks in. he sees 12 monks with their robes up and their cocks lying on a table with a mouse running around on top of the table.

The window cleaner goes down the ladder moves to the second window and looks in. There he sees a beautiful woman and a monk in bed screwing like mad.

The window cleaner goes down the ladder and puts it up against the third window. He looks in and sees a monk tied up, stripped to the waist being flogged.

He climbs down the ladder, but when he gets to the bottom the Abbot is waiting for him. The window cleaner says, “Look, I know your going to fire me, but please, at least tell me what is going on up there.”

“Well,” says the Abbot, “in the first window you saw a competition to see which is the lucky monk. Wherever the mouse stops is the lucky monk. And in the second window you saw a monk with the prize.”

“But what about the third window?” the window cleaner asks.

“Well,” says the Abbot, “that monk was caught with a piece of cheese in his foreskin.”

At the Brothel

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Two drunks visit a brothel. The Madam takes one look at them and whispers to her manager, “Go put inflatable dolls in 2 bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice”.

An hour later, the two drunks begin to stagger home. During the walk home one guy says, “I think my girl was dead, she never moved or made a sound”.

The second guy says, “I think mine was a witch!”

“Why do you think that?” asks the friend.

“Well, I bit her ass, she farted in my face and then flew out of the friggin’ window!!”

Application for a Piece of Ass

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Approved ( ) Yes  ( ) No
Denied ( ) Yes  ( ) No

Tested For Aids? ( ) Yes  ( ) No
Tested For STDs? ( ) Yes  ( ) No
Physician_________________

  • Name____________________________
  • Address_______________________________
  • Age_____
  • Phone____________
  • Social Security#______________________________

  • Hair Color________
    Real? ( ) Yes  ( ) No

  • Eye Color__________
    Real? ( ) Yes  ( ) No

  • Dentures?
    ( ) Yes  ( ) No

  • Height_________
  • Weight_________
  • Waist Size_______

  • Marital Status:
    ( ) Married
    ( ) Single
    ( ) Divorced
    ( ) Attached
    ( ) Cheating
    ( ) Other

  • Chest or Bra Size_________________
    Are they real? ( ) Yes  ( ) No

  • Are your nipples:
    ( ) Small
    ( ) Medium
    ( ) Large
    ( ) Pink
    ( ) Peach-colored
    ( ) Dark

  • Do you like them:
    ( ) Sucked
    ( ) Chewed
    ( ) Kissed
    ( ) Caressed
    ( ) Squeezed
    ( ) None of the above
    ( ) Other_________

  • Can you stay out late?
    ( ) Yes  ( ) No
    How Late?____
    All Night____
    Several Days?__

  • Do you like to be screwed?
    ( ) Yes  ( ) No
    How often?__________

  • Do you take it in the ass?
    ( ) Yes  ( )No

  • Do you like giving Oral Sex?
    ( ) Yes  ( ) No
    Receiving?
    ( ) Yes  ( ) No

  • Penis or Pussy Size:
    ( ) Microscopic
    ( ) Small
    ( ) Medium
    ( ) Large
    ( ) Extra Large
    ( ) Does it matter?

  • Are you shaved?
    ( ) Yes  ( ) No

  • While Screwing do you:
    ( ) Faint
    ( ) Fart
    ( ) Cry
    ( ) Moan
    ( ) Hum
    ( ) Scream
    ( ) Whistle
    ( ) Yodel
    ( ) Scratch
    ( ) All of the above
    ( ) Just lay there
    ( ) Other__________________________

  • When you come, Do you:
    ( ) Wiggle
    ( ) Wobble
    ( ) Twist
    ( ) Jerk
    ( ) Scream
    ( ) Moan
    ( ) Cry
    ( ) Other?________________________________________

  • What kind of screw do you like?
    ( ) Fast
    ( ) Slow
    ( ) Super Fast
    ( ) All night
    How many times_______
    Comments_________________________________________

  • How long do you screw at one interval?_________________________________

  • Do you want to screw now?
    ( ) Yes  ( ) No

  • If you have screwed before, Give 2 References (Not Immediate Family)
    • Name__________________________
      Address_______________________
      Phone___________

    • Name__________________________
      Address_______________________
      Phone___________

  • If the Application is favorable, what are your charges? If any?
    For one night____________
    One Hour___________
    Muff Burger Special or Blow Job______________

  • What credit card will you accept?
    ( ) Master Card
    ( ) Visa
    ( ) Sears
    ( ) JC Pennys
    ( ) Shell
    ( ) American Express
    ( ) Citicorp

  • Do you have any pictures to attach?
    ( ) Yes  ( ) No

  • If you don’t have any pictures to attach, will you pose for some?
    ( ) Yes  ( ) No

I verify the Above Information is the Truth, So Help me God!!

___________________________________
Signature

___________________________________
Date

A Snowy Virgin

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An attractive young lady with raven-black hair and wide eyes approached the gates of Heaven. Looking her over, St. Peter said, “And may I ask, young lady, if you are a virgin?”

“I am,” was her demure reply.

Not wanting to appear distrustful but having to be cautious, St. Peter called over an angel to examine her. Several minutes later the angel returned.

“She’s a virgin,” the angel stated, “though I’m obliged to inform you that she *does* have seven small dents in her maidenhead.”

Thanking him, St. Peter took his place behind the ledger and faced the girl.

“Well, miss, we’re going to admit you. What is your name?”

She replied sweetly, “Snow White.”

After Sex Comments by Astrological Sign

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  • Aries: “Okay, let’s do it again!”
  • Taurus: “I’m hungry — pass the pizza.”
  • Gemini: “Have you seen the remote?”
  • Cancer: “When are we getting married?”
  • Leo: “Wasn’t I fantastic?”
  • Virgo: “I need to wash the sheets.”
  • Libra: “I liked it if you liked it.”
  • Scorpio: “Perhaps I should untie you.”
  • Sagittarius: “Don’t call me — I’ll call you.”
  • Capricorn: “Do you have a business card?”
  • Aquarius: “Now let’s try it with our clothes off!”
  • Pisces: “What did you say your name was again?”

Adult Limericks

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Nymphomaniac Alice
Used a dynamite stick as a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And part of her anus in Dallas.

There was an old fellow named Paul
Whose prick was exceedingly small.
When in bed with a lay
He could screw her all day
Without touching the vaginal wall.

There once was an odious brute
Who made love in his Sunday-best suit.
The result, as you’d guess,
Was a wet, sticky mess,
And a very chaffed maiden to boot.

There was a young lady from Kew
Who said, as the bishop withdrew,
“Oh, the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And four inches longer than you.”

A certain young fellow from Ransom
Had a dame seven times in a hansom.
When she shouted for more,
Said he from the floor,
“The name, miss, is Simpson, not Samson.”

Said a woman with open delight,
“My pubic hair’s perfectly white.
I admit there’s a glare,
But the fellows don’t care.
They locate it more quickly at night.”

Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active

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  • Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
  • Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
  • Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of “denture-burn.”
  • Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
  • Granny found cuffed to her walker.
  • Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
  • Your “Grandma” is Anna Nicole Smith.
  • You’ve just seen the photos in the “Beaver Hunt” section of Hustler.
  • Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa’s crotch and claps twice.
  • Kraft-matic Adjustable Bed set for “doggy style.”

Ancient Chinese Torture

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Once there was a guy wandering through the desert. he was starved and very thirsty so he was very excited when he saw this huge house out of nowhere. He walked up and rang the doorbell. After a couple of rings an old Chinese guy answered. The starved man begged him for a meal and some shelter. The Old man said that he could stay as long as he needed to, but there was one exception the old man said, “You can not touch my daughter. If you do you will experience the 3 worst Chinese tortures.”

The man, being very hungry and tired, quickly agreed. “How good looking can she be if she lives out in the middle of nowhere,” he thought. That night at dinner he saw the old man’s daughter for the first time. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life. He tried not to stare at her but he couldn’t help it. After dinner she handed him a note that said “Meet me in my room at midnight.”

That night after the old man had gone to sleep he went into the beautiful daughter’s room. She gave him the best sex of his life. The next morning he woke up in bed with a huge rock next to him. On the rock it said “1st worst Chinese torture.” He didn’t know how it got there but he wanted to get rid of it.

He picked it up, walked over to the window and threw it out. Just then he saw a note on the window sill. It read “2nd worst Chinese torture: left testicle tied to rock.”

Knowing this he jumped out after the rock. While falling he got close enough to the rock to see another sign on it. The sign read “3rd worst Chinese torture: right testicle tied to bed post.”

The Witch Doctor’s Cure

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After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, “This is all in your mind,” and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, “I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.” Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells him, “I can cure this,” and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke…. The witch doctor says “This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say ‘123’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”

The guy then asks the witch doctor “What happens when it’s over?” The witch doctor says “all you have to say is ‘1234’ and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!”

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news…. So he is lying in bed with her and says ‘123’, and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says “What did you say ‘123’ for?”