- Aries: “Okay, let’s do it again!”
- Taurus: “I’m hungry — pass the pizza.”
- Gemini: “Have you seen the remote?”
- Cancer: “When are we getting married?”
- Leo: “Wasn’t I fantastic?”
- Virgo: “I need to wash the sheets.”
- Libra: “I liked it if you liked it.”
- Scorpio: “Perhaps I should untie you.”
- Sagittarius: “Don’t call me — I’ll call you.”
- Capricorn: “Do you have a business card?”
- Aquarius: “Now let’s try it with our clothes off!”
- Pisces: “What did you say your name was again?”
Some people (especially Southerners) are pretty skeptical of horoscopes, and it has become obvious that what they need are their own “Southern” astrological signs.
- OKRA (Dec 22 – Jan 20)
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
- CHITLIN (Jan 21 – Feb 19)
Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he’s motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
- BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 – Mar 20)
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You’re unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don’t worry about it.
- MOON PIE (Mar 21 – Apr 20)
You’re the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It’s a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It’s not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or – maybe not.
- POSSUM (Apr 21 – May 21)
When confronted with life’s difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don’t-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you’re dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won’t work and you may find your problems actually running you over.
- CRAWFISH (May 22 – June 21)
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you’re always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.
- COLLARDS (June 22 – July 23)
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the “melting pot” of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won’t work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
- CATFISH (July 24 – Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
- GRITS (Aug 24 – Sept 23)
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
- BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 – Oct 23)
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best – your friends and loved ones – may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
- BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 – Nov 22)
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You’ve grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn’t have anything to do with Moon Pies.
- ARMADILLO (Nov 23 – Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You’re not concerned with today’s fashions and trends. You’re not concerned with anything about today. You’re really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.
Just one. You want to make something of it?
One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
Two, but the job never gets done-they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it’s supposed to be done!
Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.
Leos don’t change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they’re out.
Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?
That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
I don’t waste my time with these childish jokes.
Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so….
Light bulb? What light bulb?