Tag Archives: sex

At the Monastery

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A window cleaner goes to a monastery looking for work. The Abbot hires him but tells him to clean all the windows except the top three.

So the window cleaner cleans all the windows except the top three for years and years until curiosity finally gets the better of him. He puts his ladder up against the first of the three windows and looks in. he sees 12 monks with their robes up and their cocks lying on a table with a mouse running around on top of the table.

The window cleaner goes down the ladder moves to the second window and looks in. There he sees a beautiful woman and a monk in bed screwing like mad.

The window cleaner goes down the ladder and puts it up against the third window. He looks in and sees a monk tied up, stripped to the waist being flogged.

He climbs down the ladder, but when he gets to the bottom the Abbot is waiting for him. The window cleaner says, “Look, I know your going to fire me, but please, at least tell me what is going on up there.”

“Well,” says the Abbot, “in the first window you saw a competition to see which is the lucky monk. Wherever the mouse stops is the lucky monk. And in the second window you saw a monk with the prize.”

“But what about the third window?” the window cleaner asks.

“Well,” says the Abbot, “that monk was caught with a piece of cheese in his foreskin.”

At the Brothel

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Two drunks visit a brothel. The Madam takes one look at them and whispers to her manager, “Go put inflatable dolls in 2 bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice”.

An hour later, the two drunks begin to stagger home. During the walk home one guy says, “I think my girl was dead, she never moved or made a sound”.

The second guy says, “I think mine was a witch!”

“Why do you think that?” asks the friend.

“Well, I bit her ass, she farted in my face and then flew out of the friggin’ window!!”

Application for a Piece of Ass

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Approved ( ) Yes  ( ) No
Denied ( ) Yes  ( ) No

Tested For Aids? ( ) Yes  ( ) No
Tested For STDs? ( ) Yes  ( ) No
Physician_________________

  • Name____________________________
  • Address_______________________________
  • Age_____
  • Phone____________
  • Social Security#______________________________

  • Hair Color________
    Real? ( ) Yes  ( ) No

  • Eye Color__________
    Real? ( ) Yes  ( ) No

  • Dentures?
    ( ) Yes  ( ) No

  • Height_________
  • Weight_________
  • Waist Size_______

  • Marital Status:
    ( ) Married
    ( ) Single
    ( ) Divorced
    ( ) Attached
    ( ) Cheating
    ( ) Other

  • Chest or Bra Size_________________
    Are they real? ( ) Yes  ( ) No

  • Are your nipples:
    ( ) Small
    ( ) Medium
    ( ) Large
    ( ) Pink
    ( ) Peach-colored
    ( ) Dark

  • Do you like them:
    ( ) Sucked
    ( ) Chewed
    ( ) Kissed
    ( ) Caressed
    ( ) Squeezed
    ( ) None of the above
    ( ) Other_________

  • Can you stay out late?
    ( ) Yes  ( ) No
    How Late?____
    All Night____
    Several Days?__

  • Do you like to be screwed?
    ( ) Yes  ( ) No
    How often?__________

  • Do you take it in the ass?
    ( ) Yes  ( )No

  • Do you like giving Oral Sex?
    ( ) Yes  ( ) No
    Receiving?
    ( ) Yes  ( ) No

  • Penis or Pussy Size:
    ( ) Microscopic
    ( ) Small
    ( ) Medium
    ( ) Large
    ( ) Extra Large
    ( ) Does it matter?

  • Are you shaved?
    ( ) Yes  ( ) No

  • While Screwing do you:
    ( ) Faint
    ( ) Fart
    ( ) Cry
    ( ) Moan
    ( ) Hum
    ( ) Scream
    ( ) Whistle
    ( ) Yodel
    ( ) Scratch
    ( ) All of the above
    ( ) Just lay there
    ( ) Other__________________________

  • When you come, Do you:
    ( ) Wiggle
    ( ) Wobble
    ( ) Twist
    ( ) Jerk
    ( ) Scream
    ( ) Moan
    ( ) Cry
    ( ) Other?________________________________________

  • What kind of screw do you like?
    ( ) Fast
    ( ) Slow
    ( ) Super Fast
    ( ) All night
    How many times_______
    Comments_________________________________________

  • How long do you screw at one interval?_________________________________

  • Do you want to screw now?
    ( ) Yes  ( ) No

  • If you have screwed before, Give 2 References (Not Immediate Family)
    • Name__________________________
      Address_______________________
      Phone___________

    • Name__________________________
      Address_______________________
      Phone___________

  • If the Application is favorable, what are your charges? If any?
    For one night____________
    One Hour___________
    Muff Burger Special or Blow Job______________

  • What credit card will you accept?
    ( ) Master Card
    ( ) Visa
    ( ) Sears
    ( ) JC Pennys
    ( ) Shell
    ( ) American Express
    ( ) Citicorp

  • Do you have any pictures to attach?
    ( ) Yes  ( ) No

  • If you don’t have any pictures to attach, will you pose for some?
    ( ) Yes  ( ) No

I verify the Above Information is the Truth, So Help me God!!

___________________________________
Signature

___________________________________
Date

A Snowy Virgin

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An attractive young lady with raven-black hair and wide eyes approached the gates of Heaven. Looking her over, St. Peter said, “And may I ask, young lady, if you are a virgin?”

“I am,” was her demure reply.

Not wanting to appear distrustful but having to be cautious, St. Peter called over an angel to examine her. Several minutes later the angel returned.

“She’s a virgin,” the angel stated, “though I’m obliged to inform you that she *does* have seven small dents in her maidenhead.”

Thanking him, St. Peter took his place behind the ledger and faced the girl.

“Well, miss, we’re going to admit you. What is your name?”

She replied sweetly, “Snow White.”

After Sex Comments by Astrological Sign

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  • Aries: “Okay, let’s do it again!”
  • Taurus: “I’m hungry — pass the pizza.”
  • Gemini: “Have you seen the remote?”
  • Cancer: “When are we getting married?”
  • Leo: “Wasn’t I fantastic?”
  • Virgo: “I need to wash the sheets.”
  • Libra: “I liked it if you liked it.”
  • Scorpio: “Perhaps I should untie you.”
  • Sagittarius: “Don’t call me — I’ll call you.”
  • Capricorn: “Do you have a business card?”
  • Aquarius: “Now let’s try it with our clothes off!”
  • Pisces: “What did you say your name was again?”

Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active

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  • Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
  • Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
  • Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of “denture-burn.”
  • Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
  • Granny found cuffed to her walker.
  • Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
  • Your “Grandma” is Anna Nicole Smith.
  • You’ve just seen the photos in the “Beaver Hunt” section of Hustler.
  • Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa’s crotch and claps twice.
  • Kraft-matic Adjustable Bed set for “doggy style.”

Why Fishing is Better than Sex

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  • A big, juicy worm always gets a fish excited.
  • You don’t have to eat a fish while it’s still flopping around.
  • You can take a leak in the bush anytime you want.
  • Stroking your rod won’t piss off a trout.
  • Sipping a beer and scratching your balls is all the foreplay expected of you.
  • Anything you stick in a fish’s face, it eats.
  • A fish will never gag, choke, or come up for air.
  • A red snapper won’t cry if you call it a flounder.
  • You wear rubbers on your feet, not on your dick.
  • If you want a bigger pole, you can have a bigger pole.
  • A smart fish knows when to keep it’s mouth shut.
  • It’s okay to cook a fish to make it taste good.
  • Fish bite for a guy of 60, same as they do for a guy of 20.
  • You’re never called a jerk when you throw back an ugly fish.
  • Fish are real happy when you pick up your gear and go home.

Why Chocolate is Better than Sex

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  • You can GET chocolate.
  • “If you love me you’ll swallow that” has real meaning with chocolate.
  • Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
  • You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
  • You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
  • You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
  • If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won’t mind.
  • Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
  • The word “commitment” doesn’t scare off chocolate.
  • You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
  • You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
  • You don’t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
  • With chocolate there’s no need to fake it.
  • Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant.
  • You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
  • Good chocolate is easy to find.
  • You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
  • You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
  • When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
  • With chocolate size doesn’t matter.

Signs She is Bored Having Sex With You

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  • After you request sex she replies, “Wait ’til the Nyquil kicks in.”
  • Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.
  • Actually answers when you ask “Who’s your daddy?”
  • Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
  • Only moans during commercial breaks.
  • Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
  • Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
  • Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.
  • You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.
  • Beginning to think she is only “playing” dead.
  • During the act, she actually yelled out, “Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda.”
  • Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.
  • Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.
  • Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.
  • Keeps asking “Are you SURE you’re not gay?”
  • Boredom? So that’s why she keeps deflating!!
  • Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
  • Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.
  • She yells out her own name.
  • Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

What Every Woman Should Know About Men

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  • How… “Big”… Should a Man Be?
    Don’t by shy. It’s an important question, and one surrounded by confusion. The average man’s penis is 2 1/2 to 3 inches long. Men substantially larger than this must often undergo painful surgery to cure their condition. In thickness, the average man is slightly larger than a ball-point pen.

  • How…”Long”…Should a Man Last?
    Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-unbreakable thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go for up to forty-five seconds. Once in a long while, you’ll find a man who can “last” as long as a minute. Whatever you do, don’t let your girlfriends know you’ve landed one of these desirable “sixty second wonders”.

  • How Do I Know If I’m having an Orgasm?
    The female orgasm is a sensation that’s very hard to put into words, but most fulfilled, experienced women agrees that it “feels like something inside of you.” When a man’s penis is inside your vagina, or mouth or buttocks, that is an orgasm. You’ll find a really skilled lover applies the same techniques to love as a gourmet does to a meal; he “leaves a little something on your plate”. When, after intercourse, you feel a vague sensation that there could be “more to come”, that “vaguely unsatisfied” feeling,” then you can be sure you’ve experienced a sexually memorable adventure.

  • What is a Multiple Orgasm?
    There is no such thing!!!

  • What About Oral Sex?
    This is one of the most significant differences between the sexes. If you look at pictures of a man and a woman, you’ll see that a man’s penis fits naturally into a woman’s mouth. On the other hand, a man’s mouth does not naturally fit into a woman’s vagina. Thus, a woman orally stimulating a man is performing a “natural” act. But a man seeking to put his mouth on or near your vagina is committing an “unnatural” act (why do you think they call the vagina your “private parts”?).

  • What is Afterplay?
    Men have ways of expressing their satisfaction. His satisfied sigh, followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he, and you are “GIB”. Another example of male “afterplay” is his turning on a football or basketball game immediately after climax. Many women find a particularly satisfying postcoital experience in going into the kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer for the man, along with a light snack, sandwich, potato chips and dip, to help her love put back depleted calories.

  • What is Impotence?
    Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate her man properly. This can happen when her figure is not perfect, or when she tries to talk with him for too long before getting into bed with him. If this happens, you can help by turning on a sports event on TV or getting your man a sandwich. Another really good “foreplay” technique is to invite a really good-looking girlfriend over, and do whatever he asks, to him or to each other, while he watches.

  • How Can I Keep the Mystery Alive?
    One good way to keep things from becoming routine is to vary your dress. Garter belts, black mesh stocking, leather or rubber suits will all help get your man’s attention. Also, don’t keep playing “one on one”; invite several of your more attractive and energetic girlfriends over to take part – [This is VERY IMPORTANT]. Another technique, and we think the best, is to use anonymous names. Have your lover call himself “Mr. Smith.” Don’t let him tell you where he lives, or his home telephone number. You’ll find it lends an air of real “mystery” to the affair.

  • How Can I Meet Real Men?
    When looking for the ideal man, about thirty-five to sixty, married, perhaps on a business trip, with enough flab to assure you of his powerful masculinity, go to a ‘local’ about 8:30 at night. Look around the bar, then, when you’ve found your man, unbutton the top three or four buttons on your blouse, pop out a nipple, wink at him, walk over and whisper in his ear, “You’re sooooo cute, can I buy you a drink?” This is a real conversation icebreaker and things will naturally progress from here.