A Snowy Virgin

An attractive young lady with raven-black hair and wide eyes approached the gates of Heaven. Looking her over, St. Peter said, “And may I ask, young lady, if you are a virgin?”

“I am,” was her demure reply.

Not wanting to appear distrustful but having to be cautious, St. Peter called over an angel to examine her. Several minutes later the angel returned.

“She’s a virgin,” the angel stated, “though I’m obliged to inform you that she *does* have seven small dents in her maidenhead.”

Thanking him, St. Peter took his place behind the ledger and faced the girl.

“Well, miss, we’re going to admit you. What is your name?”

She replied sweetly, “Snow White.”

One Last Wish

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?”

The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.”

“So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this week ‘count’, St. Peter?”

“No, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing.”

“In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a stud.”

“So be it,” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. “Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks.

“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.”

“Why?” asketh the Lord.

“He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.”

Heavenly Vows

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, “I don’t know, this is the first time anyone ever asked. Let me go find out,” and he leaves.

The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. “What if it doesn’t work out?”, they wonder, “Are we stuck together forever?”

St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informs the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Great,” says the couple, “but what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. “What’s wrong?” exclaims the frightened couple. “Jeez!” St. Peter exclaims, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take for me to find a lawyer!?”

Garden of Eden

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a ‘man’, Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will provide you with companionship and satisfy your desires. Yet, he’ll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advice to think properly.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “What’s the catch, Lord?”

“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. So, just remember: it’s our secret. Woman to Woman.”

Heavenly Entrance Exam

There are three guys who are good friends. One is an American, one is Polish, and one is Italian. They are driving together one day when they get into a car accident. They all die and float up towards the gates of Heaven. When they get there, an angel who tells them they are all on the border of Heaven and Hell. As a result, they have the choice to either ask a question of the angel or be asked a question. If they answer correctly, or if the angel answers incorrectly on their question, they will pass into Heaven.

The Italian guy goes first. He tells the angel to ask him a question. The angel says, “How many grains of sand are there in the world?”

The Italian guy says, “Um, four trillion?” and falls straight to Hell.

The Polish guy goes next and wants the angel to ask a question. The angel says, “How many drops of water are there in all of the world’s oceans?”

He says, “Uh, ninety-eight billion?” and also falls straight to Hell.

Finally, it’s the American’s turn. He tells the angel he will ask the question, but he needs a pencil and paper. The angel snaps his fingers and it magically appears. The American proceeds to take the paper, makes hundreds of holes in it with the pencil and farts through it. He then asks the angel, “Which hole did my fart go through?”

The angel replies, “That’s easy,” and points to a hole.

The American says… “No, it came out of this one!” and points to his butt, and then goes to Heaven.

Don’t Step on the Ducks!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven … don’t step on the ducks.” So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along come St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on … very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The woman remarks, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?” And the guy says, “Well, I don’t know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.”

The Second Chance

A Jew, a Greek, and an Italian man all die in a plane crash. They are standing before the Lord, and the Lord tells them, “I am going to give you one more chance. I’ll send you back to earth on one condition: that you give up your bad habits.”

They all say, “We will, we will. Please let us live again!” The Italian man agrees to give up eating compulsively. The Jewish man promises to give up thinking of money all the time. And the Greek man vows not to constantly think about sex.

Suddenly they find themselves back on earth, walking down the street. Before they even get a chance to say anything to each other about what has just happened, the Italian man sees a restaurant and begins to salivate. He starts running toward the restaurant when POOF! He disappears in a cloud of smoke.

Just then, the Jewish man sees a dime on the street a couple of feet away. He steps forward, bends over to pick it up, and POOF! Both he and the Greek disappear.

Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven

The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. Saint Peter says “Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.”

Forrest responds “It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.”

Saint Peter goes on, “Yes I know, Forrest, but the test I have for you is only three questions. First: What days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God’s first name?”

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. The first thing the next morning, Saint Peter returns to the gate to find Forrest already there waiting for him. Peter smiles warmly and says, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”

Forrest says, “Well, the first one – how many days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Shucks, that one’s easy. That’d be Today and Tomorrow.

The saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, “Forrest! That’s not what I was thinking, but… you do have a point, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I give you credit for that answer.”

“How about the next one: How many seconds in a year?”

“Now that one’s harder” says Forrest, “But I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”

Astounded St. Peter says, “Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”

Forest says “Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second…..”

“Hold it,” Saint Peter interrupts. “I see where you’re going with this, and I guess you’re right. It wasn’t quite what I had in mind, but I’ll give you credit for that one, too. Let’s go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name?”

Forrest replied, “Andy.”

“OK, OK,” said a frustrated gatekeeper, “I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you came up with the name Andy as the first name of God?”

“That was the easiest one of all,” Forrest replied. “I learned it from the song! ‘Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own…'”

Texans in Heaven

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, “I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here in Heaven who are causing problems. They’re swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they’re wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing.”

The Lord said, “I made them special, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you really want to know about real problems, let’s call the Devil.”

The Devil answered the phone, “Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.” The Devil returned to the phone, “Okay, I’m back. What can I do for you?”

The Lord replied, “I just want to know what kind of problems you’re having down there.”

The Devil said, “Hold on again. I need to check on something.” After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, “I’m back. Now what was the question?”

The Lord said, “What kind of problems are you having down there?”

The Devil said, “Man, I don’t believe this….Hold on, Lord.” This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, “I’m sorry Lord, I can’t talk right now. Them damn Texans done put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning.”

George W at the Pearly Gates

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, “You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?”

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really ARE Einstein!” he says. “Welcome to heaven!”

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”

Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.”

Picasso erases Einstein’s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!” he says. “Come on in!”

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”

George W. looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”

Saint Peter sighs and says, “Come on in, George.”