You Have All the Equipment

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap.

While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman’s boat and asks her what she’s doing? She says, “Reading my book.”

The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she’s not fishing. To which he replied, “But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!”

Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, “If you do that, I will charge you with rape.”

The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, “But I didn’t even touch you.”

To which the lady replied, “Yes, but you have all the equipment!”

Fishing Terms Explained

  • Catch and Release:
    A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it’s limit.
  • Hook:
    A curved piece of metal used to catch fish.
    A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life savings on a new rod and reel.
    The punch administered by said fisherman’s wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).
  • Line:
    Something you give your coworkers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.
  • Lure:
    An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.
  • Reel:
    A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.
  • Rod:
    An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.
  • School:
    A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.
  • Tackle:
    What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.
  • Tackle Box:
    A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.
  • Test:
    The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range.
    A measure of your creativity in blaming “that darn line” for once again losing the fish.

The Fishing Babysitter

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

“I’ll never do that again!” he told his mother that evening. “I didn’t catch a thing!”

“Oh, next time I’m sure she’ll be quiet and not scare the fish away,” his mother said.

The boy said, “It wasn’t that. She ate all the bait.”

Good Catch!

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lillies.

“Tsk Tsk!” said the passerby to himself. “What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I’ll see if I can help.” So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, “What are you doing, my friend?”

“Fishin’, sir.”

“Fishin’, eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?”

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, “Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?”

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, “You are the sixth today, sir!”

Why Fishin’ is Better Than Makin’ Love

  • When you go fishin’ and you catch somethin,’ that’s good.
    If you’re making love and you catch somethin,’ that’s bad.
  • Fish don’t compare you to other fishermen neither.
    And don’t want to know how many other fish you caught.
  • In fishin’ you lie about the one that got away.
    In lovin’ you lie about the one you caught.
  • You can catch and release a fish, you don’t have to lie, and promise to still be friends after you let it go.
  • You don’t have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.
  • You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler.
    If you want to catch a woman you’re talking dinner and a movie minimum.
  • Fish don’t mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishin.’

Why Fishing is Better than Sex

  • A big, juicy worm always gets a fish excited.
  • You don’t have to eat a fish while it’s still flopping around.
  • You can take a leak in the bush anytime you want.
  • Stroking your rod won’t piss off a trout.
  • Sipping a beer and scratching your balls is all the foreplay expected of you.
  • Anything you stick in a fish’s face, it eats.
  • A fish will never gag, choke, or come up for air.
  • A red snapper won’t cry if you call it a flounder.
  • You wear rubbers on your feet, not on your dick.
  • If you want a bigger pole, you can have a bigger pole.
  • A smart fish knows when to keep it’s mouth shut.
  • It’s okay to cook a fish to make it taste good.
  • Fish bite for a guy of 60, same as they do for a guy of 20.
  • You’re never called a jerk when you throw back an ugly fish.
  • Fish are real happy when you pick up your gear and go home.

Ice Fishing

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.

For weeks she read and studied every book, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip.

She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.

When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools.

Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice!”

Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice!” Amazed, the blonde wasn’t quite sure what to do, as this certainly wasn’t covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly — tools in the right place, chair positioned just so, everything.

Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, “There are no fish under the ice!”

Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, “Is that you, Lord?”

The voice boomed back, “No, this is the manager of the skating rink!”

All I Need to Know in Life I Learned From Fishing

  • There is no such thing as too much equipment.
  • When in doubt, exaggerate.
  • If it feels good, it’s fishing.
  • Everyone has a story about the one that got away.
  • It’s good to be at the top of the food chain.
  • Even the best lines get weak after they’ve been used a few times.
  • Sometimes you’ve really got to squirm to get off the hook.
  • Cast everything in the best light possible.
  • Keep one eye on your bobber at all times.
  • Life is a stream of consciousness thing.
  • Take time to smell the fishes.
  • I fish therefore I am.
  • The way to a fisherman’s heart is through his fly.
  • You never forget your first bite.
  • A fishing line has a hook at one end and an optimist at the other.
  • Fish always start to grow after they get away.
  • Life is a can of worms.
  • The fishing is always better on the other side of the lake.
  • Good things come to those who wade.
  • When the going gets tough, the tough go fishing.