In Florida there was a swimming contest. The contestants were a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.
The second race was the Breast Stroke. The order of finish was: The brunette came in first, the redhead second… But wait… where was the blonde??? She was still racing!
When she got to the finish line, she said, “THEY CHEATED!!”
The Judge said “how??”
The dumb blonde screamed, “THEY USED THEIR ARMS!”
A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune … the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.
We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side.
We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don’t get our way we will not date anybody that ain’t blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.
Sined by the blonds at the ofise
XOXOXOXO
OXOXOXOX
XOXOXOXO
OXOXOXOX
(sined with a pensul so you can erace it if you make a mistake)
On a famous TV game show a blonde contestant needed only to answer one more question. One simple question stood between her and ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
“To be today’s champion,” the show’s smiling host intoned, “name two of Santa’s reindeer.”
The contestant, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that she had drawn such an easy question.
“Rudolph!” she said confidently, “and, …Olive!”
The studio audience started to applaud (as the little sign above their heads said to do) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, “Yes, we’ll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain… ‘Olive?!?'”
“You know,” the woman circled her hand forward impatiently and began to sing, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer – had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer…”
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, “There is a possibility you can make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I only can sell the car.”
“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the blonde, “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.”
A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust, and she’s in a serious financial mess. She’s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray, “God, please help me…I’ve lost my business and I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto…”
Lotto night comes, and she is devastated when someone else wins it.
Brandi prays again…”God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house, and I’m going to lose my car as well…”
Lotto night comes, and Brandi still has absolutely no luck.
Once again, she prays. “My God, why have you forsaken me?! I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are very hungry. I don’t often ask for you to help, and I am a constant good servant for you…PLEASE just let me win the lotto this ONE time so I can get my life back in order…”
Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself…
“Work with me here, Brandi. Buy a ticket!”
A blonde went into her local hardware store and bought two instant barbeques – the ones with the pictures of succulent foods on the lid.
The next day, she returned one of these to the customer service desk at the store complaining that there was no food inside! The assistant patiently told her that these were just barbeque trays and that the food was not supplied with them.
“Oh dear” said the blonde, “I’d better take the other one out of the freezer then”!
A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.
For weeks she read and studied every book, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip.
She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.
When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools.
Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice!”
Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice!” Amazed, the blonde wasn’t quite sure what to do, as this certainly wasn’t covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly — tools in the right place, chair positioned just so, everything.
Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, “There are no fish under the ice!”
Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, “Is that you, Lord?”
The voice boomed back, “No, this is the manager of the skating rink!”
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before Saint Peter at the gates to heaven. St. Peter said to them, “Before you may enter the gates of heaven you have to tell me what Easter is.”
The first blonde said, “Easter is a holiday where we all have a big feast and we’re thankful.”
St. Peter said, “NO!” and banished her from heaven.
The second blonde said, “Easter is a holiday where we celebrate Jesus’ birth and give each other presents.”
St. Peter said, “NO!” and banished her from heaven.
The third blonde said, “I know what Easter is.”
St. Peter said, “Ok then, tell me.”
She starts, “Easter is Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross where he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a large boulder.”
St. Peter said, “Very good…”
She adds, “Every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter.”