Tag Archives: television

Name Two of Santa’s Reindeer

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On a famous TV game show a blonde contestant needed only to answer one more question. One simple question stood between her and ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

“To be today’s champion,” the show’s smiling host intoned, “name two of Santa’s reindeer.”

The contestant, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that she had drawn such an easy question.

“Rudolph!” she said confidently, “and, …Olive!”

The studio audience started to applaud (as the little sign above their heads said to do) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, “Yes, we’ll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain… ‘Olive?!?'”

“You know,” the woman circled her hand forward impatiently and began to sing, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer – had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer…”

All I Need to Know in Life I Learned from the X-Files

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  • If you see a bee, RUN!
  • Avoid being abducted by aliens at all costs
  • Never expect an informant to stick around for long
  • Avoid people dressed in black
  • Glow-in-the-dark bugs are bad
  • Freaky worm mutants that live in sewers are bad
  • Protect your liver from mutant liver-eating men
  • Protect your pituitary gland from mutant pituitary gland-eating men
  • Protect your fat from mutant fat-eating men
  • Always check rocks for gooey alien black oil
  • Make sure your local PTA is demon-free
  • Avoid people with gargoyle fetishes
  • Don’t bring your pet when you go lake monster hunting
  • Don’t smoke
  • Don’t get a red tattoo
  • Don’t drill holes in your head
  • Red eyes are a bad sign
  • If you feel yourself being ‘drawn’ somewhere, in short – don’t go
  • The truth *is* out there…somewhere
  • If it’s iced tea, it could be love, but if it’s root beer, it’s fate.
  • Never leave home without your Superduper Alien-Bounty-Hunter-Killing Fffftttt Stiletto Needle Thing Weapon thing
  • Cable T.V. can be linked to strange behavior – Trust me, I know

All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From Star Trek

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  • Seek out new life and new civilizations.
  • Non-interference is the prime directive.
  • Keep your phaser set on stun.
  • Humans are highly illogical.
  • Having a thing is not so pleasing as wanting: it is not logical, but it is often true.
  • Tribbles hate Klingons (and Klingons hate Tribbles).
  • Enemies are often invisible, like Klingons, they can be cloaked.
  • There’s no such thing as a Vulcan death grip.
  • Live long and prosper.
  • Infinite Diversity and Infinite Combinations (IDIC).
  • Don’t put all your ranking officers in one shuttlecraft.
  • When your logic fails, trust a hunch.
  • Insufficient data does not compute.
  • If it can’t be fixed, ask Scotty.
  • Even in our own world sometimes we are aliens.
  • When going out into the universe “BOLDLY GO WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE.”

All I Need To Know I Learned At Melrose Place

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  • All women are size 4 or smaller.
  • There is only one bar in Los Angeles (Shooters).
  • All men can be seduced if they are straight.
  • Gay couples rarely kiss…, and if they do it’s reported by the major networks.
  • No one ever dies from being sick/shot/blown-up once their picture appears in the opening credits.
  • All physicians are also trained psychiatrists.
  • Most people will forgive you for trying to kill them (Michael tried to kill Sydney, Sydney and Kimberly tried to kill Michael, Amanda and Bobby Parezi, Peter tried to kill Amanda, Kimberly tried to kill the whole cast).
  • In medicine, you can work your way up the ladder from resident to chief of staff in 2 seasons.
  • In advertising, you can work your way up the ladder from receptionist to VP in 2 episodes.
  • You don’t need to be legally sane to practice medicine.
  • You can be a god-awful fashion designer (Jane) and a Harvard MBA (Richard) will still hire you.
  • If you crush your wrist in a waffle iron, you only need an ACE bandage.
  • When you are totally bald, it only takes a month to grow your hair back to shoulder length.
  • When the highlight of your week is the “scenes for next week”, it’s time to go out and get a life.
  • You can afford designer fashions on the salary of a receptionist at a doctor’s office.
  • You can fall off a ten-story building and emerge unscathed as long as you fall on top of another body. (Even if you were shot in the chest at point blank range two weeks earlier.)
  • Once you sleep with one sibling, you’ll sleep with every other sibling (Jo/Jake/Jess, Michael/Sydney/Jane, Australian guy/Sydney/Jane).
  • If a bomb explodes in a building, the only person to die will be the person who has visited the building least often.
  • You can become a psychiatric resident at a major hospital within one month after your release from a mental hospital.
  • Once a mother gives her baby up for adoption, she never thinks about it again.
  • A lifetime of trauma over childhood sexual abuse can be cured not by therapy, but by embarassing your father at a barbecue.
  • There are no Latinos or Asians in Los Angeles.
  • Chemotherapy does not cause you to lose your hair if you let your roots show after bleaching it.
  • And the most important lesson: Acting talent is not genetic; even if your sister is an Academy Award nominee, you can still be the worst actor on television.