All I Need To Know I Learned At Melrose Place

  • All women are size 4 or smaller.
  • There is only one bar in Los Angeles (Shooters).
  • All men can be seduced if they are straight.
  • Gay couples rarely kiss…, and if they do it’s reported by the major networks.
  • No one ever dies from being sick/shot/blown-up once their picture appears in the opening credits.
  • All physicians are also trained psychiatrists.
  • Most people will forgive you for trying to kill them (Michael tried to kill Sydney, Sydney and Kimberly tried to kill Michael, Amanda and Bobby Parezi, Peter tried to kill Amanda, Kimberly tried to kill the whole cast).
  • In medicine, you can work your way up the ladder from resident to chief of staff in 2 seasons.
  • In advertising, you can work your way up the ladder from receptionist to VP in 2 episodes.
  • You don’t need to be legally sane to practice medicine.
  • You can be a god-awful fashion designer (Jane) and a Harvard MBA (Richard) will still hire you.
  • If you crush your wrist in a waffle iron, you only need an ACE bandage.
  • When you are totally bald, it only takes a month to grow your hair back to shoulder length.
  • When the highlight of your week is the “scenes for next week”, it’s time to go out and get a life.
  • You can afford designer fashions on the salary of a receptionist at a doctor’s office.
  • You can fall off a ten-story building and emerge unscathed as long as you fall on top of another body. (Even if you were shot in the chest at point blank range two weeks earlier.)
  • Once you sleep with one sibling, you’ll sleep with every other sibling (Jo/Jake/Jess, Michael/Sydney/Jane, Australian guy/Sydney/Jane).
  • If a bomb explodes in a building, the only person to die will be the person who has visited the building least often.
  • You can become a psychiatric resident at a major hospital within one month after your release from a mental hospital.
  • Once a mother gives her baby up for adoption, she never thinks about it again.
  • A lifetime of trauma over childhood sexual abuse can be cured not by therapy, but by embarassing your father at a barbecue.
  • There are no Latinos or Asians in Los Angeles.
  • Chemotherapy does not cause you to lose your hair if you let your roots show after bleaching it.
  • And the most important lesson: Acting talent is not genetic; even if your sister is an Academy Award nominee, you can still be the worst actor on television.