Category Archives: Twisted Poetry

A Politically-Correct Birthday Greeting!

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At last–Today’s your Special(1) Day!
The World(2) all stops to shout hooray(3)!
We(4) wish you peace and joy and fun
Today you’re the exalted(5) one.

Footnotes:

  1. Except where this day is a holiday celebrated by other cultures, or others whose birthday should fall on this day, respecting the effect of the International Dateline.
  2. Or, more properly, the portion of the world immediately surrounding you, which may differ significantly in any way from other cities, towns, or countries, all of which are valid and important in their own right.
  3. Except persons speaking other languages, who may shout whatever version of “hooray” their specific culture supports.
  4. “We” being any who consent to such a wish, not including persons of differing viewpoints who may dissent.
  5. Not to imply others may be any less exalted, either today, or on their own birthdays, or any day of their choosing.

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road .. according to Dr. Seuss

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Would you, could you cross the street
On your two small chicken feet?

I would not, could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross it in Japan
To flee Godzilla and Rodan

Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not, could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross the road and cluck
And jump to avoid the speeding truck?

Not with a cluck
to avoid a truck
Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not, could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Would you hop across the road
As though you were a garden toad?

Not across the road
as though a toad
Not with a cluck
to avoid a truck
Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross it in the night
Lit by passing car headlight?

Not in the night
With car headlight
Not across the road
As though a toad
Not with a cluck
To avoid a truck
Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Please dear chicken give it a try
For across the road you can not fly.

Alright! Alright! I’ll give it a try
For it is true, chickens can’t fly.
Hey! It’s not bad, infact it’s neat!
I truly love to cross the street.
Across the road I LOVE to scram.
I cross the road, a fowl I am.

Things You Can’t Say With a Hallmark Card

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“Looking back over the years
that we’ve been together,
I can’t help but wonder:
What the fuck was I thinking?”

“Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one
likes your wife.”

“I’ve always wanted to have
someone to hold, someone
to love.
After having met you,
I’ve changed my mind.”

“I must admit,
you brought Religion in my life.
I never believed in Hell
until I met you.”

“As the days go by,
I think of how lucky I am
that you’re not here
to ruin it for me.”

“If I get only one thing for Christmas,
I hope it’s
your sister.”

“As you grow older, Mum,
I think of all the gifts
you’ve given me.
Like the need for therapy…”

“Thanks for being a part of my life!
I never knew what
evil was before this!”

“Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go,
would you like
to take this knife out of my back.
You’ll probably need it again.”

“We have been friends for a very long time,
what say we call it quits.”

“I’m so miserable without you,
it’s almost like you’re here.”

“Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?”

“You are such a good friend
that if we were on a sinking ship
and there was only one life jacket…
I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”

“Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday
…so we’re having you put to sleep.”

“Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!”
(available only in Arkansas)

Lord, Grant Me the Serenity…

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Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people

I had to kill because they pissed me off!

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept stupid people the way they are,

the courage to maintain self-control,

and the wisdom to know if I act on it,

I will go to jail!

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept fucktards I cannot change,

and the restraint not to punch them in the face!

Lord, grant me the senility to forget the people,

I never liked anyway,

the good fortune to run into the ones I do,

and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Lord, grant me the sanity to accept the annoying things,

my kids do that I cannot change,

the patience to endure the endless nagging,

that I will have to do to change the things I can,

and just enough wine to know the difference.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept selfish ungrateful people,

for who they are,

and the courage not to become bitter,

and the wisdom not to let it ever happen again.

Lord, give me enough coffee

to change the things that need to change,

and enough spare change

to make that coffee as large as it possibly can be.

The Perfect Man

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The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He’ll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on to you.

The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He’s a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.

He never has made you cry
Or hurt you in any way
To hell with this endless poem
The perfect man is gay.

The Online Poem

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You just awake… your eyes are still shut
Still cant quite focus…..still draggin your butt
You know you need coffee……can taste that first sip
You wait for the maker…..and put the mug to your lip.

The feeling is warm…. just what you need
But you know you need more….and its something to read
The paper you say??? no…dont think so.. not it…
Its much more exciting… you cant wait to “click”…

You boot up your ‘puter…….you click that icon…
Can’t keep from grinning…. you’re really turned on!
When the voice says “Welcome”…your heart skips a beat!!
You know your addicted….all the friends that you’ll meet.

And then you see it…….you wait with a stare….
The mail box lights up!! “you’ve got mail” waiting there!!
OH.. what a feeling!!…. you look with delight!
You hoped you’d have mail…. and you knew you were right!!

So you go thru the mail….. knowing this is the “Best”.
Reading this reading that….as you go thru the rest.
Some you give the “delete” key….others get your first click
You know you must hurry……you gotta be quick!

It is then that you hear it…. You can’t wait to see
Your heart gets a flutter… who’s name will it be?
And then there it is….. covering part of the screen
The sweet little sound….Oh..you know what that means!!!

“Quick mail check” you promised….you said in your mind.
But you just got an IM…. and your pressing for time!
You know that you want to…. and respond you will
So you stop what your doing.. and go for the thrill!

You “LOL” and “BRB”, give kisses and Hugs…
You type and send words… refilling your mug
You give your good friend your attention and time
So that quick little mail check… turns to hours online!

The New Alphabet for Older People

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A’s for arthritis
B’s for bad back
C’s for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline
E is for eyesight–can’t read that top line
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I’d rather not mention)
And other gastrointestinal glitches
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches
J is for joints that are failing to flex
L’s for libido–what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K for bad knees
(I’ve got a few gaps in my M-memory)
N’s for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-
P’s for porosis
Q is for queasiness. Fatal? Just flu?
R is for reflux–one meal becomes two
S is for sleepless nights counting my fears
T is for tinnitus–bells in my ears
U is for difficulties urinary
V is for vertigo
W is worry
About what the X–as in X ray–will find
But through the word “terminal” rushes to mind,
I’m proud, as each
Y – year – goes by, to reveal
A reservoir of undiminished
Z – zeal— For checking the symptoms my body’s deployed
And keeping my twenty-six doctors employed.

An Ode to Viagra

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Some say it is super
Some say it is silly
We hear it works great
for a limp-acting Willie

You’ve heard no doubt
Of a starch called Niagara
We found out by chance
It’s what’s contained in Viagara

At ten dollars a pop
This seems like a buy
But can you suggest it
To your impotent guy?

It’s side effects aren’t charted
It may be too iffy
But what some men won’t do
For a good old-fashioned stiffy.

Ode to Texas

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The devil wanted a place on earth
Sort of a summer home
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.
So he picked out Texas
A place both wretched and rough
Where the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys hardened and tough.

He dried up the streams in the canyons
And ordered no rain to fall
He dried up the lakes in the valleys
Then baked and scorched it all.

Then over his barren country
He transplanted shrubs from hell.
The cactus, thistle and prickly pear
The climate suited them well.

Now the home was much to his liking
But animal life, he had none.
So he created crawling creatures
That all mankind would shun.

First he made the rattlesnake
With it’s forked poisonous tongue.
Taught it to strike and rattle
And how to swallow it’s young.

Then he made scorpions and lizards
And the ugly old horned toad.
He placed spiders of every description
Under rocks by the side of the road.

Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter,
Hotter and hotter still.
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old horned lizard took ill.

Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom
As any creator would
He chuckled a little up his sleeve
And admitted that it was good.

‘Twas summer now and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his swarthy brow
So he took off his coat and vest.

“By Golly,” he finally panted,
“I did my job too well,
I’m going back to where I came from,
Texas is hotter than Hell.”

Ode to Spam

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Oh SPAM! Oh SPAM! Gourmet delight!
My food by day, my dreams by night.
To carve, to slice, to dice you up–
pureed in a blender and sipped from a cup.

What shining deity from Olympus knelt
down to the earth and hog butt smelt?
Creating then man’s eternal desire
for swine entrails congealed by fire.

On some corporate farm, a pig has died.
Eyes, tongue, and snout end up inside
that cube of SPAM hidden in the can
I now hold in my trembling hand.

More than mere food, SPAM is for me
a hedonistic expression of gluttonous glee.
Mottled with pork fat, the pink cube engrosses.
My mouth takes it in, my intestine disposes.

Long have my arteries clogged to the sound
of sizzling SPAM when there’s no one around–
furtively chewing or swallowing whole.
Triple bypass by forty, my medical goal.

Other processed meat products I’ve tried or declined
Vienna Sausages, Treat, even pig’s feet in brine.
Though each may be tasty in different ways,
none matches SPAM for gelatinous glaze.

That glistening pinkness beckons me
with gristle, fat, and BHT.
Oh SPAM, my SPAM — the taste, the smell!
The sacred meat product, from Hormel.