The Online Poem

You just awake… your eyes are still shut
Still cant quite focus…..still draggin your butt
You know you need coffee……can taste that first sip
You wait for the maker…..and put the mug to your lip.

The feeling is warm…. just what you need
But you know you need more….and its something to read
The paper you say??? no…dont think so.. not it…
Its much more exciting… you cant wait to “click”…

You boot up your ‘puter…….you click that icon…
Can’t keep from grinning…. you’re really turned on!
When the voice says “Welcome”…your heart skips a beat!!
You know your addicted….all the friends that you’ll meet.

And then you see it…….you wait with a stare….
The mail box lights up!! “you’ve got mail” waiting there!!
OH.. what a feeling!!…. you look with delight!
You hoped you’d have mail…. and you knew you were right!!

So you go thru the mail….. knowing this is the “Best”.
Reading this reading that….as you go thru the rest.
Some you give the “delete” key….others get your first click
You know you must hurry……you gotta be quick!

It is then that you hear it…. You can’t wait to see
Your heart gets a flutter… who’s name will it be?
And then there it is….. covering part of the screen
The sweet little sound… know what that means!!!

“Quick mail check” you promised….you said in your mind.
But you just got an IM…. and your pressing for time!
You know that you want to…. and respond you will
So you stop what your doing.. and go for the thrill!

You “LOL” and “BRB”, give kisses and Hugs…
You type and send words… refilling your mug
You give your good friend your attention and time
So that quick little mail check… turns to hours online!

My Wife

So here I sit, in all my glory…
Lend me an ear, and I’ll tell ya a story…
I once had a wife–she was such a dear,
Then came the Net, and it all disappeared!

Now there she sits, for hours on end…
don’t care where I’m goin’, don’t care where I’ve been.
It could be three, or it could be nine…
she really doesn’t care, long as she’s online.

She gets outta work and rushes home,
She comes in yelling at me, “Get off the phone!”
Where is the hug? Where is my kiss?
But she’s at the computer–that’s all she missed!

Talking to cyber friends, checking the mail
I might as well be in a Cyber Jail!
My stomach’s growling–it’s so unfair!
No clean dishes and no clean underwear!

Drink me a beer, stare at the walls
I’ll pick at my teeth and roam the halls,
Farting and burping what a sight to see…
Can you believe she’s there?? When she could be with ME!!

Signs You’ve Invested in a Bad Internet Company

  • CEO stops by to use your computer because his electricity’s been turned off again.
  • Company made solely up of former AARP executives.
  • Merrill Lynch just downgraded the stock from “Sell” to “Tax Write-Off.”
  • Your profits? 404 — Not Found
  • Prospectus states: “YOU MIGHT ALREADY BE A STOCKHOLDER!”
  • Their big idea: eHaircuts
  • Their Lead Programmer is reasonably attractive & has 20/20 vision.
  • IPO consists of 12 shares and a free CD and is underwritten by MC Hammer.
  • At shareholder meeting you’re asked to wear a mouse pad as a name tag.
  • In “Pirates of Silicon Valley”, company CEO was played by that “Ernest” guy.
  • Their price-to-earnings ratio is higher than Marion Barry in a DEA evidence room.
  • Good: Team of young, enthusiastic go-getters;
    Bad: IPO’s financial goal was $57.45 to “repay Tommy’s mom.”

The Downsides to Buying Sperm Over the Internet

  • “To purchase our official applicator/turkey baster for an additional $6.99, click here.”
  • After your purchase, you keep getting junk email with the subject “MAKE BABIES FAST!!!”
  • “Marketing Manager” keeps calling to offer “free home delivery.”
  • Does the real Stephen Hawking even *have* an AOL account?
  • All of the “product” originates from Mort, a middle-aged landfill manager who likes to login to the teenage girls chatroom as Buffy15.
  • Donors from are just that.
  • They send you a blue dress and tell you to start scraping.
  • Greater than 75% chance of getting a Joke List contributor.
  • No way to know if what you’re bidding on is new or refurbished.
  • Unless you live in a city with an NBA franchise, nobody will believe you actually “hooked-up” with Shawn Kemp.
  • No way to verify that Ernest Borgnine is indeed the donor.
  • Now there’s a coincidence, mine also came with a presidential seal.

You Know You’re Living on the ‘Net When…

  • Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have e-mail.
  • You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
  • Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
  • You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
  • Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
  • You buy a computer and 3 months later it’s out of date and sells for half the price you paid.
  • Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
  • Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
  • You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
  • You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
  • Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
  • Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
  • You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
  • You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
  • You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
  • You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
  • You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
  • You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
  • You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
  • Even worse; you know exactly who you are going to forward this to.

Internet Technical Support

  • A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.”
    The woman responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”
  • Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?”
    Customer: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded 10 hours of free space. Is that enough?”
  • Tech Support: “Ok Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.”
    Customer: “I don’t have a ‘P’.”
    Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
    Customer: “What do you mean?”
    Tech Support: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”
    Customer: “I’m not going to do that!”
  • Overheard in a computer shop:
    Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.”
    Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.”
    Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
  • I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
  • Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?”
  • I work for a local ISP. Frequently, we receive phone calls that go something like this:
    Customer: “Hi. Is this the Internet?”
  • Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to “The Internet.”
  • Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
    Tech Support: “Yeah.”
    Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
    Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”
  • Tech Support: “All right…now double-click on the File Manager icon.”
    Customer: “That’s why I hate this Windows – because of the icon. I’m a Protestant, and I don’t believe in icons.”
    Tech Support: “Well, that’s just an industry term sir. I don’t believe it was meant to-”
    Customer: “I don’t care about any ‘Industry Terms’. I don’t believe in icons.”
    Tech Support: “Well why don’t you click on the ‘little picture’ of a file cabinet? Is ‘little picture’ ok?”
    Customer: [click]
  • Customer: “My computer crashed!”
    Tech Support: “It crashed?”
    Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.”
    Tech Support: “All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.”
    Customer: “No, it didn’t crash – it crashed.”
    Tech Support: “Huh?”
    Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. Now it doesn’t work.”
    Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
    Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.'”
    Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”

The Internet is Like a Penis

  • It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.
  • In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
  • It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
  • It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what kind of person you’re dealing with until it’s too late.
  • If you don’t apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
  • It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you’ll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
  • We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
  • If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
  • It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself, “why on earth did I do that?”
  • Some folks have it, some don’t.
  • Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don’t have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.
  • Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s a nifty toy, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don’t have it would like to try it.
  • Once you’ve started playing with it, it’s hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn’t have work to do.

The Annual Internet Clean-up Campaign

The annual internet clean up campaign will take place on the evening of March 31st beginning at 9pm EST and continue until April 1st 9am EST. This annual event occurs to remove the trash that forms on the internet throughout the year. Without this annual cleanup campaign the Internet would become so overrun with trash that its ability to pass information back and forth would become severely restricted.

All internet users are advised to take the following precautions to prevent damage or loss of information:

  1. Back-up all “bookmarks” or “favorites”–these will be essential to your ability to find your favorite sites once the internet has been cleaned.
  2. Clean out your history folder on your internet browser…details can be found at the following website: www.clean.your/browser/history/files.html.
  3. Clean our your history cache…details can be found at the following website: www.clean.your/browser/cache/files.html.
  4. AOL users should request form # 843.02.00 by using keyword “Cleanup”. Please do not try to use form # 843.01.00 as it is long out of date.
  5. Prior to the shut down of the internet at 9pm EST on March 31st all internet users are advised to disconnect their computers from their internet access lines (modem or cable connection)..inexperienced users are requested to contact their ISP for information on the disconnection procedure.
  6. Remain off-line and disconnected from the internet until after 9am on April 1st.
  7. Upon reconnecting to the internet direct your web browser to the following website: www.first/start/up/empty.html … this should correct all your bookmarks.

This annual campaign removes all outdated links, old abandoned web pages, and extinct email addresses. This frees up millions of gigabytes of space each year. If people would learn to surf responsibly, without leaving dead and outdated links, this annual campaign would no longer be necessary. John Gutzen, President of Free Old Outdated Links (FOOL), the governing body of the cleanup campaign is quoted “I see the day when the campaign will no longer be required, when no one is a newbie, and when every one follows FOOL’s philosophy. That day is a long way off, but I hope to see it in my life time.”

Please note: If you attempt to connect to the internet during the shut-down time, serious damage to your computer and internet connection could occur.

All users are advised to contact their ISP prior to March 31st 6:00pm EST in the event that they do not understand any of the above.

This notice was prepared by Free Old Outdated Links (Fool) and space was provided free of charge in this Internet publication through a joint internet community effort.

How Many Mail List Subscribers….

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,331:

  • 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.
  • 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
  • 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
  • 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
  • 53 to flame the spell checkers.
  • 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its appropriateness to this mail list.
  • 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
  • 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.
  • 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
  • 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts**are** relevant to this mail list.
  • 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
  • 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
  • 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
  • 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
  • 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add “Me Too.”
  • 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
  • 19 to quote the “Me Too’s” to say, “Me Three.”
  • 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
  • 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
  • 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
  • 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

Home On The Web

(to the tune of “Home on the Range”)
Lyrics by Peggy Ben-Fay Hu

Oh give me a site,
Where the links all work right,
One that doesn’t take too long to load.
Where the text can be seen,
On my 13-inch screen,
One that offers a “no-Java” mode.

Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM.
Please take pity on me,
I’m still on Netscape 3,
with a 14.4-speed modem!

Though your video files
Give your pages some style
I can’t read them upon my PC;
Massive graphics and sound
Crash my system, I’ve found,
So please put in some “alt” tags for me!

Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM.
Please take pity on me,
I’m still on Netscape 3,
with a 14.4-speed modem!

Please don’t ask me to “chat”
With your favorite cat;
I don’t have an IRC code.
And don’t ask me to buy
Games for Win 95.
My PC is way too darn old!

Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM.
Please take pity on me,
I’m still on Netscape 3,
with a 14.4-speed modem!