Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

  • FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!
  • And now we remove the subject’s brain and place it in the body of the ape.
  • Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.
  • Uh-oh.
  • I don’t know where that came from! Just put it over there.
  • Better crank up that anesthesia.
  • I don’t think that was supposed to come off.
  • Gonna have to stop here, his insurance won’t pay for the rest.
  • Well, it’s five o’clock! We’ll just put this off till tomorrow.
  • Hey….maybe the janitor knows what this is.
  • Cool! These colors are giving me flashbacks.

Other Marthas Who Have Been In Trouble

  • Martha De Sade:
    Jailed and later demonized in an insane asylum for knitting pornographic doilies as well as for torturing her sex partners with hot lemon-scented summer-candle wax.
  • Martha S. Thompson:
    Shunned by the white man’s culture after gaining notoriety for her high octane, uncontrolled works of drug induced literature such as “Fear and Loathing in Martha’s Vineyard” and “The White Zinfandel Diary.”
  • Martha of Arc:
    Accused of being a witch in Omaha in 1951, she was burned at a steakhouse.
  • Martha Raye:
    Was falsely accused of embellishing the results of her endorsed denture cleanser by soaking her teeth regularly in correction fluid.
  • Martha Reeves:
    Was inaccurately denounced by devout churchgoers who believed the “Vandellas” were a modern, paganist cult who liked nothing more than cavorting and gyrating in stimulating ways in neighborhood roads and boulevards.
  • Martha Washington:
    Was once publicly slandered, accused of trying to coerce her husband to move the U.S. capital from Philadelphia to Martha’s Vineyard.
  • Martha Plimpton:
    While filming the movie Parenthood, was unjustifiably rumored to have said that co-star Keanu Reeves’ “kissing is worse than his kung fu.”
  • Martha Osbourne:
    Died of an overdose at age 4 after getting into the glove box in her father’s car.
  • Martha Mandela:
    This Belgian tourist was wrongly jailed in South Africa for 2 weeks in 1983 based solely on her family name.
  • Martha Arnold:
    Although she turned in her brother Benedict, she was later exiled from America’s new elite class when President Washington’s wife proclaimed, “This country is only big enough for one Martha!”
  • Martha Jackson:
    Being tone-deaf in a family of musicians was her only sin, but she was abandoned at an orphanage at age 3.
  • Martha Simpson:
    The mother of OJ, she was there the night of Nicole’s “accident”. Only Martha knows how the gloves got there, and she’s not telling!

You Know You’re In Trouble When …

  • Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
  • Your suggestion box starts ticking.
  • Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
  • You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you’ve ever had.
  • The simple instructions enclosed aren’t.
  • People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
  • You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
  • The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

How to Tell When it’s Going to be a Rotten Day

  • You put your bra on backwards and it fits better
  • You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold
  • You see a “60 Minutes” news team waiting in your office
  • Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
  • Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business
  • You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party last night and there aren’t any
  • Your turn on the news and they’re showing emergency routes out of the city
  • Your twin forgot your birthday
  • You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then you realize that you don’t have a waterbed
  • Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway
  • Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache
  • Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat
  • The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard
  • You wake up and your braces are locked together
  • You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose
  • You call your answering service and they tell you it’s none of your business
  • Your income tax check bounces
  • Your blind date turns out to be your ex
  • Your pet rock snaps at you
  • Your wife says “Good Morning, Bill” and your name is George
  • You put both contact lenses in the same eye

You Know Your Life Stinks When…

  • A black cat crosses your path and drops dead.
  • Your over 25 and still live with your parents or some other relative. If you are 30 or more, well enough said…
  • You take an assertiveness training course and you’re afraid to tell your wife.
  • Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft. (Actually, you just remembered you don’t even own a car like that.)
  • You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment.
  • Your children’s school calls to surrender.
  • The bride’s family throws rocks instead of rice.
  • Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.
  • Your plants do better when you do *not* talk to them.
  • All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists.
  • Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection, plastic.

Indications Canada is in Bad Shape

  • During a rather physical match against Norway, member of Canadian Curling Team arrested for “Assault with a Deadly Push-broom.”
  • National Olympic Training Facility now supplied by Ben Johnson Catering, Inc.
  • “Baywatch: Vancouver” canceled due to goose bumps.
  • Toronto and Montreal actively trying to trade for John Rocker.
  • Shockingly disproportionate ratio of moose to homicidal professional athletes.
  • Location: between North Dakota and North Pole.
  • Feather boa-clad Minnesota National Guard troops massing on the border to defend governor’s mansion against recent snowball incursions.
  • Sudden uptick in teenage moose pregnancies.
  • Trademark “Eh?” has given way to “Enh” accompanied by shrug.
  • Detroit begins to rival Los Angeles in sheer number of resident illegal aliens.
  • The Road to Heck now almost completely paved with maple leaves.
  • In effort to prop up national tragedy of sagging male egos, Parliament considers adding an “f” to the proud “Canuck” nickname.
  • Ten minutes of roughhousing with the kids leaves it — HOO! — breathless and sweaty.
  • Caught smuggling that fresh pine scent in from Michigan.

Absolutely Vital Things to Know About Taking a Bath

  • When you leave a bath to run by itself, the plug jumps just as you leave the bathroom and you return to an empty bath just as the hot water runs out.
  • Spiders can run round the bath faster than you can.
  • If you run a bath too hot, you don’t realize this until you sit in the other end and burn your rear end.
  • It is physically impossible to turn a tap on or off with your foot.
  • When you lie back in the bath, your right foot slips forward until it is positioned exactly beneath the dripping tap.
  • The odd flannel you are using to wash yourself is not a flannel at all; it is a sock which has fallen from above.
  • The dirt you wash off yourself gathers on the surface of the water and then re-attaches itself to you as you rise to leave.
  • Lost soap is ALWAYS behind you.
  • When you get out of the bath, the first bit you dry is the one bit you just realized you forgot to wash.
  • However hard you dry yourself, you are still wet when you put your clothes on.

Bad Merger Ideas

  • Mennen Black & Decker
  • Brother Cannon Sperry Daimler
  • Rubbermaid Snap-On Genuine Parts
  • Olde McDonald’s Hickory Farms
  • Eaton Apple Caterpillar
  • Good ‘n’ Plenty Johnson Wax
  • Motel 6 Hostess
  • Camel Apple
  • Hershey Gateway
  • Microsoft Weinerschnitzel
  • Star-Kist Tuna Aqua Net
  • Blue Cross Dresser Industries
  • Pfizer Wang Boeing
  • Yahoo! Wendy’s Intuit
  • Playboy Staples Busch
  • Zippo Johnson & Johnson Hertz

Signs You’ve Invested in a Bad Internet Company

  • CEO stops by to use your computer because his electricity’s been turned off again.
  • Company made solely up of former AARP executives.
  • Merrill Lynch just downgraded the stock from “Sell” to “Tax Write-Off.”
  • Your profits? 404 — Not Found
  • Prospectus states: “YOU MIGHT ALREADY BE A STOCKHOLDER!”
  • Their big idea: eHaircuts
  • Their Lead Programmer is reasonably attractive & has 20/20 vision.
  • IPO consists of 12 shares and a free CD and is underwritten by MC Hammer.
  • At shareholder meeting you’re asked to wear a mouse pad as a name tag.
  • In “Pirates of Silicon Valley”, company CEO was played by that “Ernest” guy.
  • Their price-to-earnings ratio is higher than Marion Barry in a DEA evidence room.
  • Good: Team of young, enthusiastic go-getters;
    Bad: IPO’s financial goal was $57.45 to “repay Tommy’s mom.”

Signs You’re at a Bad Figure Skating Competition

  • Sponsored by Acme Ass Pads.
  • “Would the holder of lucky ticket #2220 please report to the box office to receive a whack on the knee with a crowbar!”
  • The Chili-Powered Competition is a real turnoff.
  • The highest marks for technical merit are given to Boom Boom Magorsky, Zamboni driver.
  • Starbucks logo tattooed on the ass of every skater.
  • Judges not impressed by your “Oh, Calcutta” routine, despite the rather obvious effects of the cold air.
  • “And now, singing our national anthem, please welcome Fran Drescher!”
  • First time you’ve seen points awarded for a “Triple Klutz” and a “Triple Putz.”
  • The biggest cheer of the night occurs when the Zamboni runs down Elvis Stojko.
  • The mixed pairs competition breaks down into an all-out grope-fest.
  • During the pairs ice dancing, some crazed toothless Canadian cross-checks the couples into the boards.
  • Thin ice on the lake results in three drownings before the prelims come up.
  • Tara Lipinski cancels at last minute, is replaced by Monica Lewinsky.
  • More butts hitting the ice than at the annual R.J. Reynolds Ice Fishing Tournament.
  • Brian Boitano’s new program interprets history of male pattern baldness.
  • Oksana Baiul is chipping ice out of the rink for margaritas.