Figure Skating

It is the Olympic men’s figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.

The Judges’ scores read:
Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0

Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple spin and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.

The Judges’ scores read:
Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0

Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his willies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire ‘routine’ getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.

The Judges’ scores read:
Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0

The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, “How the heck can you give that mess 6.0?!”

To which the Irish judge replies “You’ve got to remember, it’s darn slippery out there.

Signs You’re at a Bad Figure Skating Competition

  • Sponsored by Acme Ass Pads.
  • “Would the holder of lucky ticket #2220 please report to the box office to receive a whack on the knee with a crowbar!”
  • The Chili-Powered Competition is a real turnoff.
  • The highest marks for technical merit are given to Boom Boom Magorsky, Zamboni driver.
  • Starbucks logo tattooed on the ass of every skater.
  • Judges not impressed by your “Oh, Calcutta” routine, despite the rather obvious effects of the cold air.
  • “And now, singing our national anthem, please welcome Fran Drescher!”
  • First time you’ve seen points awarded for a “Triple Klutz” and a “Triple Putz.”
  • The biggest cheer of the night occurs when the Zamboni runs down Elvis Stojko.
  • The mixed pairs competition breaks down into an all-out grope-fest.
  • During the pairs ice dancing, some crazed toothless Canadian cross-checks the couples into the boards.
  • Thin ice on the lake results in three drownings before the prelims come up.
  • Tara Lipinski cancels at last minute, is replaced by Monica Lewinsky.
  • More butts hitting the ice than at the annual R.J. Reynolds Ice Fishing Tournament.
  • Brian Boitano’s new program interprets history of male pattern baldness.
  • Oksana Baiul is chipping ice out of the rink for margaritas.