- Sponsored by Acme Ass Pads.
- “Would the holder of lucky ticket #2220 please report to the box office to receive a whack on the knee with a crowbar!”
- The Chili-Powered Competition is a real turnoff.
- The highest marks for technical merit are given to Boom Boom Magorsky, Zamboni driver.
- Starbucks logo tattooed on the ass of every skater.
- Judges not impressed by your “Oh, Calcutta” routine, despite the rather obvious effects of the cold air.
- “And now, singing our national anthem, please welcome Fran Drescher!”
- First time you’ve seen points awarded for a “Triple Klutz” and a “Triple Putz.”
- The biggest cheer of the night occurs when the Zamboni runs down Elvis Stojko.
- The mixed pairs competition breaks down into an all-out grope-fest.
- During the pairs ice dancing, some crazed toothless Canadian cross-checks the couples into the boards.
- Thin ice on the lake results in three drownings before the prelims come up.
- Tara Lipinski cancels at last minute, is replaced by Monica Lewinsky.
- More butts hitting the ice than at the annual R.J. Reynolds Ice Fishing Tournament.
- Brian Boitano’s new program interprets history of male pattern baldness.
- Oksana Baiul is chipping ice out of the rink for margaritas.
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