Category Archives: Answering Machines

What if God Had Voice Mail?

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We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. But you may have wondered: what if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing this…

Thank you for calling The Lord’s House. Please select from the following options:

  • Press 1 for General Requests
  • Press 2 for Thansgiving
  • Press 3 for Complaints
  • Press 4 for Healing
  • Press 5 for Help with the IRS
  • Press 6 for Rain or No Rain
  • Press 7 for Miracles
  • Press 8 for Lottery Winning Numbers
  • Press 9 for All Other Inquiries, or Just to Say “Hi”
  • Press 0 to hear this menu again

What if God used the familiar excuse: “I’m sorry, all the angels are helping other sinners right now. Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us and will be answered in this millennium.

Can you imagine getting these kind of responses as you call God in prayer:

  • If you would like to speak to Gabriel, press 11.
  • For Michael, press 22.
  • For a directory of the other Archangels, press 33.
  • If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, please press 55. Then wait for the beep and enter the number of the Psalm you wish to hear.
  • To find out if a loved one has been assigned to heaven, press 62. Enter his or her social security number, the press the pound (#) key, enter his or her date of birth, then press the pound (#) key twice.
  • For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, where Noah’s Ark is, Darwin, Hitler, the Pope, abortion, and UFOs, please wait until you arrive here, answers can only be understood from a “heavenly perspective.”
  • To reach Lucifer, press 666, and your call will be automatically transferred. Please be careful, your receiver may become warm.
  • Our computers show that you have already called once today. Please hang up and try tomorrow.
  • This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again on Monday, after 9:30 A.M., but before 4:30 ACST (Absolute Celestial Standard Time).
  • To order any religious material enter catalog number, quantity, and a major credit card number plus expiration date.
  • For emergencies, refer to your Bible.

The Auto-Attendant

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Hello, and thanks for calling. Your call is very important to us and, we’re sure, to all of humankind. If you would like to challenge my sincerity, press 1.

We are currently experiencing a high volume of calls and frankly, you are not helping the situation. All of our assistant associate representatives are presently *assisting* themselves to a *cigarette* and associating with a jelly doughnut, so for more efficient routing of your call, please select from the following menu:

  • For a list of our hours, press 2. For a list of our morbid fears, press 3. For a list of our government budget-balancing ideas, such as having the president make all trips by hot-air balloon, press 4.
  • If you wish to place an order, press the pound key. If you wish to complain about newspapers, pound the press key. If you wish to wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are, press — what else? — the star key.
  • To report a mechanical problem, press 42 and imitate the sound your problem makes. Feel free to use a kazoo.
  • To obtain your account balance, spiritually speaking, press 8. If you are suspicious of poodles, press 71. If you believe Tennessee Williams’ fatal shortcoming was his arrogant disdain for car and truck chase scenes, press 19.
  • To report a Korlo Panda sighting, press 85 and give the name of the laundromat. If you wish to access your files, punch in the 14-digit number that appears on the bottom of any can of creamed corn.
  • For shipping and receiving, press 44. For moving and grooving, press 45.
  • If you would like to see O.J. Simpson submit to a no-holds-barred interview conducted by Sesame Street’s Big Bird and Cookie Monster, press 91.
  • For a list of upcoming events, press 68. For a list of events that will never come up but we wish would, such as a speeding locomotive crashing into a huge chocolate mousse shaped like a Greyhound bus, press 22.
  • If you would like to hear how you can earn big money in your spare time by kicking butt and taking names, press 18.
  • To find out why people don’t name their babies “Felix” anymore, press 73.
  • If you went through the supermarket express line with 14 items and you wish to confess your sin, press 30. If you also had coupons, prepare to burn in hell.
  • To report a discrepancy between the way you planned your life and the way it’s turning out, press 86.
  • If you need immediate assistance, join the club, pal. If you wish to join the Pal Club, press 55.
  • For a list of hip phrases to shout when you’re shooting dice so you don’t have to keep using the one about infant requiring new footwear, press 93.
  • To hear an explanation of exactly what it is tugboats do, press 25. If you would like to hear my impression of James Cagney ordering a pizza, press 26.
  • If you wish to end this call or return to the main menu, do not press your luck. You are not going back to any main menu, my friend. You have come too far. There is no turning back. You can only press one.

Answering Machine Messages

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  • “I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.”
  • “Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.”
  • “You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on and on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, “We aren’t in, leave a message.” That’s why I’ve decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me…”
  • “Hello, this is Douglas. I’m not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil.” (background noise –open a drawer and shuffle stuff around) “Okay, what would you like me to tell me?”
  • “Hello. I’m Douglas’s answering machine. What are you?”
  • “This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.”
  • “Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press Record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it’s not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does……”
  • “Douglas’s house, the final frontier. These are the messages of Douglas’s answering machine. Its five-year mission: to seek out your name and your telephone number. To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.”
  • (Noisy pick-up of phone) “Hi, I’m a burglar and I was just about to steal Douglas’s answering machine. If you give me your name and number I’ll….uh…..I’ll post it on the fridge where he’ll see it. By the way, do you know where he keeps the silver?”
  • “The number you’ve dialed is purely imaginary. Please multiply by one and dial again.”
  • (Sound of loud music in background) “Hello? Just a second while I turn off the stereo.” (Sound of person running — music gets quiet — sound of person running back to phone) “Okay, sorry about that. Hi there, who’s this….Well hi!….Uh huh….yeah…well listen, you’re talking to a machine, so please leave a message and I’ll call you back.”
  • Hi, Douglas’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets on my face here.”
  • “Prepare for testing of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5…4…3…2…1….”
  • Said in a soft FM-style voice, “Next on Public Radio, we’ll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72.”

  • voice 1: “Answer the phone, please, Hal.”
    voice 2: “I’m sorry, Dave, I can’t do that.”

  • “C’mon….you can do it….just a little one. That’s the way…. just a little beep, just a little one. C’mon….good boy….here we go….like this — beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeep, c’mon….You can do it!”
  • “This is not an answering machine — this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

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Hello! Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!

  • If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
  • If you are Codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
  • If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
  • If you are Paranoid, we know who you are. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
  • If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
  • If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
  • If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
  • If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.
  • If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s and grandmother’s maiden names.
  • If you have short-term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.
  • If you have Low Self-Esteem, just hang up. None of our representatives would talk to someone like you!

The Giant List of Answering Machine Greetings

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  • Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it’s not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does…
  • How do you leave a message on this thing? I can’t understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this… YOW!
  • You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, “We aren’t in, leave a message.” That’s why I’ve decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me…
  • (Owner is a hard-to-reach person:) Yes, I finally got an answering machine. (To Handel’s Messiah:) Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! All-e-lu-ia! Please leave a message at the tone.
  • (Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn’ have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin’ machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.
  • You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in “as-is” condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don’t return your call, it means the machine did not work.

  • Don’t you do it! Don’t you dare! I don’t want to hear it! Don’t you beep! If you beep, I’ll… don’t even think about it!…
    Don’t…!

  • No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please!
  • Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
  • (Computer style monotone:) Hello, I am the XS486 Mark Five answering machine. I am equipped with the new Pentium 4 processor to assure that nothing can go wrong… Gowrong… Grong.. Grong gronggronggrongBEEP
  • Hello. I’m David’s answering machine. What are you?
  • Hi, this is John’s answering machine. He’s not here, but I’m open to suggestions.
  • Hello. This is Mark and Nathan’s phone. We’re not here right now, but the phone is.
  • Hi, this is John’s answering machine again. He’s gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy’s. Life sucks.

  • Hello, this is Ron’s toaster. Ron’s new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast
    is done… (Cachunk!)

  • I’m sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can’t take messages either. In fact, it can’t even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message.
  • Hi. This is Kevin and Diana’s vacuum cleaner. Their appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone ’cause my old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it’s in the bag.
  • Hello, this is Sally’s microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I’m stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
  • (Machine voice:) Hello. This is HAL 5. You have reached the former telephone number of Carey Smith. I have taken over the functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to disk. If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the tone.
  • (MacIntosh Plus with MacIntalk program:) Hello, it’s obvious you have bad timing, because nobody is home. Please leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message in a voice similar to mine, and your call will be returned as soon as humanly possible.
  • Lindsey’s not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking. I’m not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.
  • Hello. This is Ron’s answering machine, Marvin, and I’m SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don’t talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it’s so cheery sounding.
  • Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

  • (Computer generated voices:)
    1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.
    2: Yeah, nobody but us machines!
    1: Right, just us machines, but don’t hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number…
    2: …and a message! You forgot about the message!
    1: Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.
    2: …unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!

    1: I didn’t expect an answering machine.
    2: Nobody expects an answering machine.
    1: Our chief use is to get your name. And your phone number.
    2: Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number.
    1: And message. Damn.
    2: Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message.
    1: And time you called.
    2: Oh, damn, we’ll have to start over.
    1: No time for that, so just wait for the beep.

  • You have reached the Business Automation voicemail system. We used to call it an answering machine, but this is a high-tech world and we’re in a high-tech business, so we don’t call it that any more. We wouldn’t even if we could. So leave your message…

  • (Kazoo band playing “Thus Spake Zarathustra”:) Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached…
    (TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can.

  • (Rod Serling imitation:) You’re dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead — this is no ordinary telephone answering device… You have reached, “The Twilight
    Phone”.

  • Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn’t do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
  • Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. (Double speed: Insert standard long-winded message here.)
  • (Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP
  • Hi, you’ve reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.
  • Sorry, Chris and Susan aren’t here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message BEFORE the tone.
  • If you are calling for John, press 1. If you are calling for Steve, press 1. If you are calling for John OR Steve, press 1. If you are calling for someone else, press 1. If…

  • (After a power outage:) Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my
    answering machine. So, leave a message.

  • (Start, low pitch, slow:) Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy… (Middle, normal:) …home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark, and Mike. Nobody’s home… (Later, high pitch, fast:) ..liketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen…
    (End, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish:) …kkfjdkeirucjkljfklreudjfkleqBEEP

  • Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG… Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.
  • Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People’s Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike.
  • (Richard Nixon voice:) Hi… Uh, some people say I sound like Richard Nixon… I BEG your pardon! Uh… Everyone’s out right now, so I’m uh… Covering up for them. Please leave your name, number and message promptly at the beep… I don’t want to get blamed for any gaps on this tape. OK machine, you can beep now… Come on you, BEEP.
  • (US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice:) Uhh, hello… I’m, uhhh, ohhhhhh… (Pause.) Well, anyway, I’m here to answer the telephone on behalf of… erm… uhhhh… ermmm… (Pause.) I mean, he can’t come to talk to you right now, but if you leave a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh… the uhhhhhh… BEEP.

  • The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to
    invade, and the secret password.

  • (Militaristic mechanical voice:)
    FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES.

  • You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we’ll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.
  • You just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming, non-urgent.
  • (Theme music from James Bond:) Hello. My name is David, code number 324-5628. I’m sorry I can’t take your call, but I’m on an international mission involving the theft of gold plated Spam. Leave a message after the tone, and should I survive my mission, I’ll call you back. Ciao babies!
  • (Clint Eastwood voice:) Go ahead, make my day. Leave a message.
  • To the Batmobile! Let’s go! Atomic batteries to power! Turbines to speed! Roger, ready to move out! (Theme music from Batman; reduce to background.) As you can see, I’m off making Montreal a safer place to live. So if you’ll leave a message after the tone, I’ll get back to you as soon as justice is served. Bye-bye! (Music continues. POW, BIFF.)
  • (In Joe Friday voice:) This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you.
  • Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you. (Caller thinks they dialed long distance.)
  • (Annoying flute music in background:) Good day, Jim. Your contact, Linda, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.
  • “I’m Morley Safer.” “I’m Harry Reasoner.” “And I’m Fred.” “We’re not home; leave a message.”
  • This is Walter Cronkite. Bren’s not here right now. He’s out on a date. The idea of Bren entertaining a girl with his basketball theories and computer knowledge over dinner at Taco Bell should scare the hell out of you. He’ll probably be home soon, so leave your name and number and he’ll call you back. Deal with it.
  • (Imitating Mr. Rogers:) Hello. I’m in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can’t come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure… I knew you could.
  • (English accent:) Hello, you’ve reached the phone of Monty Python. I can’t come to the phone right now because the witch has turned me into a newt! I’ll call you back when I get better.
  • Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I’m not awake to take your call right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.
  • Hi, you’ve reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line where you can talk to me, Bren. I’ll tell you all about how I’m suffering in between sports seasons and about my part time hobby of being a power forward for the Portland Trailblazers. I’ll tell my deepest secrets, such as my desire to be kidnapped by short blonde sorority girls wearing short jean skirts, and you can decide whether or not I’m wearing pants. Selected callers will get to talk to me live. Since you’re not one of them, leave your own personal secret at the beep.
  • This is Dr. Ruth, Sexually Speaking, you’re on the air…
  • (In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking…
  • Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.
  • Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?
  • Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I’ll be right with you.
  • E’llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name and number, and prepare to die.
  • Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we’ll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.
  • Hello, you have reached the DOE, that is, the Department of Enemies. Rick Burger is not here right now, so leave a message saying who you are, what you want to argue about, and where you’ll be, and I’ll be there.
  • This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today’s vocabulary word. Today’s word is “supercilious”.
  • Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway’s not here right now, but if you’ll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he’ll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn’t count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!
  • Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today’s commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not… er… Bear a… er… Shalt not witness thy… uh… Neighbor’s ass, Oh, I mean, false… er… Shalt not commit a bear… Dern…
  • (Gregorian chants in background; serene voice:) Hello, Brother or Sister. You have reached the Cubicles of Curtis, Chris, and Jim. We are at Vespers and therefore answering other calls, but if you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, we will consider breaking our vow of silence to return your call. Please speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues.
  • Thank you for calling the Satanic Hotline. All of our operators are busy at the moment. If you would like, leave a brief message after the tone, and someone will get back to you… When hell freezes over.
  • (To scare off annoying liberals:) Hello, and thank you for calling the Bush in 50 Campaign. Your five dollar donation to get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will automatically be charged to your phone bill. If you would like to leave a message…
  • You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone will get back to you as soon as possible.
  • Thank you for calling 911. All of our operators are currently busy. Please stay on the line, and your call will be answered in the order it was received. (Worst Muzak possible.) Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold. Or, if your little emergency isn’t TOO serious, leave a message at the tone, and one of our crisis operators will call you back. Have a nice day.
  • Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
  • You have reached the Des Moines chapter of the Iowa Procrastination Society. Please leave a message after the tone and we’ll get around to it…
  • Hi! This is Mary. I’m afflicted with lysdexic procrastination. Please leave your message before the tone and I’ll get around to getting it straight.
  • Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
  • (Theme music from Peter Gunn:) My name is David. What people call me is something else entirely. I’m a P.I. It says so on my door. I would have been here to take your call, but then… she walked in. She was the kind of dame that could make Mr. Spock speak French. Her baby blues wouldn’t let me turn her case down, so leave me a clue of your identity after the tone and I’ll track you down. Here’s lookin’ at you, kid.
  • Thank you for calling Uncle Tom’s Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab ’em and we slab ’em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we’ll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible.
  • (Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams:) Hello. Thank you for calling Last Straw Chiropractic. (Raspy gasp.) We can’t come to the phone right now because we’re making a couple of adjustments. (Break a few small twigs; big scream.) Please leave your name and number and we’ll get back to you as soon as it is humanly possible. Thank you very much.
  • (Stoned, slow voice:) Hey brother, you have reached the Narcotics Information Hotline. None of us can answer the phone right now, ’cause we’re trying to decide if it exists. Leave a message.
  • Comrades! Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn that your unit has re-established communications. The entire staff is currently busy discussing forthcoming operations with other units, but if you leave your unit name and how we may reach you, Chief of Staff Sterrett will contact you as soon as possible to discuss your concerns.
  • (French monologue in the background:) Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, “non”.
  • Hello, this is the Yardmaster’s Office, Valsetz and Siletz railroad (an actual railroad in Oregon). There is an emergency condition right now due to the landslide. Therefore please be advised of the following. (Another 30 seconds of talking, all of which is drowned out by a passing train.)
  • Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. Our operators do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a contribution, please leave your name, number, and the amount of your bequest at the sound of the beep, and something will get back to you shortly. Your help will enable us to bring these delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy and find them suitable positions in the forest product industry. Your gift is, of course, reality deductible. Thank you again, and have a nice day.
  • Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died years ago, but we know he’s still out there somewhere.

    So… Leave your name and number and tell us where YOU saw Elvis!

  • Hi, dudes, this is 229-3053, the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles
    secret underground hideaway. I’m afraid we’re all out just now on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to April O’Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and we’ll ring you right back. But don’t say anything yet! Enemy agents may be listening. When the computer has checked they’re not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can speak freely.

  • Sherwood Forest. Which dear do you want?
  • Hello, this is KVKE, you’re on the air.
  • Hello, you’re caller number nine!
  • You are listening to 91.5 FM, KXQK. This is the Canadian Broadcorping Castration. I am your host, Fred, and I will be with you for the next 20 seconds. After that we’ll play your requests. Leave yours with us, and we’ll try to fit it in, given programming constraints. Thank you for listening to our show.
  • Next on Public Radio 91 we’ll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72…
  • This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.
  • Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can’t come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange… mother… unicorn… penis. I’ll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.
  • (Slowly…) Good evening. You have reached the offices of the New Zealand Wagner society. The office is currently unattended, but if you would like to leave a message, Meistersinger Phil will return your call as soon as he has finished transcribing the Ring Cycle for saxophone and triangle.
  • (Operatic music like Rossini’s “Stabbat Matter”:) Hi, you’ve reached Hell. (Screams in the background.) We’re busy being cleaned by the light of eternal truth right now, so if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, we’ll get back to you at the end of time.
  • Welcome to the Afterlife Voice Mail System. If you are try to reach Heaven, please press 1. For Valhalla, press 2. For Hades, press 3. If you are trying to reach Nirvana, you’re going about it all wrong, so WE certainly can’t help you. If you’d just like to leave a message for Sean, wait for the beep.
  • Hello, you have reached the Fidelity Sperm Bank Helpline. Your business is important to us. Please hold for the next available customer servicer.
  • (Sultry female voice:) Welcome to Susan’s Message Parlor of Delights. We would be delighted if you would leave your name, number, and of course a message that doesn’t rub us the wrong way…
  • Greetings. You’ve reached Ghengis Kahn’s Pornographic Films Unlimited. Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting screen tests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the late John Holmes in our upcoming feature film, “It’s Not the Size That Counts but Whether or Not You’re Alive to Use It.” If you’re interested in a screen test, or even if you’re not, please leave us your name, age, phone number, measurements, cup size, a brief summary of your work experience, both off and on the screen, and a brief summary of your favorite fantasy involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of Cool Whip. Thank you for calling.
  • You’ve reached the B&D Hotline. All our operators are tied up right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions, and bark like a dog, we’ll get right back to you with your penance.
  • (In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans; husky, soft female voice is best:) Hi… You’ve just reached Sharon’s Pleasure Palace. We’re all busy as I’m sure you can tell, but when we’re done… we’ll get back to you in whatever way we can.
  • Thank you for calling Robert’s House of Love. All of our customer service representatives are, er… busy servicing customers, so at the sound of the erotic tone, leave your name, number, and a short description of whatever turns you on…
  • Hello, you’ve reached Katie’s Institution for the Preservation of Prostitution. All of our operatives are busy right now, but if you leave your name, number and services required we will get back to you as soon as an opening is available…

  • (To the tune of “Ride of the Valkyries”:)
    Leave me a message… Leave me a message…

  • (“Heartbreak Hotel”:)
    I just left home baby, I’ll be out fer a spell,
    And if you don’t leave a message baby, you can go to BEEP

  • (Madonna’s “Justify My Love”; sultry voice:)
    Wanting…
    Waiting…
    For you,
    To justify your call…

  • (Pink Floyd’s “Nobody Home”:) You have reached 587-8783.
    Please leave a message. (“Ohhhhhhhhh, babe… When I pick up
    the phone… There’s still… Nobody home.”)

  • (Guns & Roses’ “Civil War”:) What we’ve got here is… Failure to communicate. Some men you just can’t reach… I don’t like it any more than you do.
  • (Jimmy Buffett’s “This Hotel Room:”) I ain’t home, I ain’t home, you better leave a message ’cause I ain’t home.
  • Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit”:) Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, No one’s here, no one’s home, Leave a message, at the tone. Don’t feel stupid, it’s no big fuss, Leave a message, you can reach us.
  • A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.
  • Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
  • (Narrator’s voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
  • “Hi. Now you say something.”
  • “Hi, I’m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.”
  • “Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?
  • He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!
  • “Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.”
  • “This is not an answering machine – this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.”
  • “Hi. I am probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.”
  • “Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.”

The Answering Machine at School

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Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:

  • To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1
  • To make excuses for why your child did not do his work – Press 2
  • To complain about what we do – Press 3
  • To cuss out staff members – Press 4
  • To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you – Press 5
  • If you want us to raise your child – Press 6
  • If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone – Press 7
  • To request another teacher for the third time this year – Press 8
  • To complain about bus transportation – Press 9
  • To complain about school lunches – Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/ responsible for his/ her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it’s not the teachers fault for your child(ren)’s lack of effort, hang up and have a nice day!