We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. But you may have wondered: what if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing this…
Thank you for calling The Lord’s House. Please select from the following options:
- Press 1 for General Requests
- Press 2 for Thansgiving
- Press 3 for Complaints
- Press 4 for Healing
- Press 5 for Help with the IRS
- Press 6 for Rain or No Rain
- Press 7 for Miracles
- Press 8 for Lottery Winning Numbers
- Press 9 for All Other Inquiries, or Just to Say “Hi”
- Press 0 to hear this menu again
What if God used the familiar excuse: “I’m sorry, all the angels are helping other sinners right now. Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us and will be answered in this millennium.
Can you imagine getting these kind of responses as you call God in prayer:
- If you would like to speak to Gabriel, press 11.
- For Michael, press 22.
- For a directory of the other Archangels, press 33.
- If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, please press 55. Then wait for the beep and enter the number of the Psalm you wish to hear.
- To find out if a loved one has been assigned to heaven, press 62. Enter his or her social security number, the press the pound (#) key, enter his or her date of birth, then press the pound (#) key twice.
- For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, where Noah’s Ark is, Darwin, Hitler, the Pope, abortion, and UFOs, please wait until you arrive here, answers can only be understood from a “heavenly perspective.”
- To reach Lucifer, press 666, and your call will be automatically transferred. Please be careful, your receiver may become warm.
- Our computers show that you have already called once today. Please hang up and try tomorrow.
- This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again on Monday, after 9:30 A.M., but before 4:30 ACST (Absolute Celestial Standard Time).
- To order any religious material enter catalog number, quantity, and a major credit card number plus expiration date.
- For emergencies, refer to your Bible.
Hello, and thanks for calling. Your call is very important to us and, we’re sure, to all of humankind. If you would like to challenge my sincerity, press 1.
We are currently experiencing a high volume of calls and frankly, you are not helping the situation. All of our assistant associate representatives are presently *assisting* themselves to a *cigarette* and associating with a jelly doughnut, so for more efficient routing of your call, please select from the following menu:
- For a list of our hours, press 2. For a list of our morbid fears, press 3. For a list of our government budget-balancing ideas, such as having the president make all trips by hot-air balloon, press 4.
- If you wish to place an order, press the pound key. If you wish to complain about newspapers, pound the press key. If you wish to wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are, press — what else? — the star key.
- To report a mechanical problem, press 42 and imitate the sound your problem makes. Feel free to use a kazoo.
- To obtain your account balance, spiritually speaking, press 8. If you are suspicious of poodles, press 71. If you believe Tennessee Williams’ fatal shortcoming was his arrogant disdain for car and truck chase scenes, press 19.
- To report a Korlo Panda sighting, press 85 and give the name of the laundromat. If you wish to access your files, punch in the 14-digit number that appears on the bottom of any can of creamed corn.
- For shipping and receiving, press 44. For moving and grooving, press 45.
- If you would like to see O.J. Simpson submit to a no-holds-barred interview conducted by Sesame Street’s Big Bird and Cookie Monster, press 91.
- For a list of upcoming events, press 68. For a list of events that will never come up but we wish would, such as a speeding locomotive crashing into a huge chocolate mousse shaped like a Greyhound bus, press 22.
- If you would like to hear how you can earn big money in your spare time by kicking butt and taking names, press 18.
- To find out why people don’t name their babies “Felix” anymore, press 73.
- If you went through the supermarket express line with 14 items and you wish to confess your sin, press 30. If you also had coupons, prepare to burn in hell.
- To report a discrepancy between the way you planned your life and the way it’s turning out, press 86.
- If you need immediate assistance, join the club, pal. If you wish to join the Pal Club, press 55.
- For a list of hip phrases to shout when you’re shooting dice so you don’t have to keep using the one about infant requiring new footwear, press 93.
- To hear an explanation of exactly what it is tugboats do, press 25. If you would like to hear my impression of James Cagney ordering a pizza, press 26.
- If you wish to end this call or return to the main menu, do not press your luck. You are not going back to any main menu, my friend. You have come too far. There is no turning back. You can only press one.
Hello! Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!
- If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are Codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are Paranoid, we know who you are. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
- If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
- If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.
- If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s and grandmother’s maiden names.
- If you have short-term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.
- If you have Low Self-Esteem, just hang up. None of our representatives would talk to someone like you!
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:
- To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1
- To make excuses for why your child did not do his work – Press 2
- To complain about what we do – Press 3
- To cuss out staff members – Press 4
- To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you – Press 5
- If you want us to raise your child – Press 6
- If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone – Press 7
- To request another teacher for the third time this year – Press 8
- To complain about bus transportation – Press 9
- To complain about school lunches – Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/ responsible for his/ her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it’s not the teachers fault for your child(ren)’s lack of effort, hang up and have a nice day!