Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

Hello! Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!

  • If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
  • If you are Codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
  • If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
  • If you are Paranoid, we know who you are. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
  • If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
  • If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
  • If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
  • If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.
  • If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s and grandmother’s maiden names.
  • If you have short-term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.
  • If you have Low Self-Esteem, just hang up. None of our representatives would talk to someone like you!

Mental Illness of the Month Club

Announcement: the Mental-Illness-of-the-Month Club is being disbanded immediately. The reasons being:

  1. During dipsomania month, the club party spent 10 times its budget on refreshments.
  2. During kleptomania month, all of the club furnishings were removed, and (as aforementioned) the budget was already spent and gone.
  3. During megalomania month, the club organization broke down due to having sixteen claimants to being Club President, etc.
  4. During multiple personality month, our club roster roughly tripled in size with no increase in dues.
  5. During paranoia month, the inflated roster dropped to zero as each member changed his or her mailing address and left no forwarding address for the club.

You members were obviously out to ruin us; it’s all clear now. It took all our remaining personal savings to track you all down. Therefore, here is your last installment: clinical depression. Have a nice day.