A Game of Numbers

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that read:

“Dear Wife:
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.”

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him at the front desk that read as follows:

“Dear Husband:
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. You, being an accountant, will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.”

The Difference Between Men and Women

Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?” And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward… I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: …so that means it was…let’s see…February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means…lemme check the odometer… Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he Wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty…scumbags.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and shove it

“Roger,” Elaine says aloud.

“What?” says Roger, startled.

“Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have… Oh gosh, I feel so…” (She breaks down, sobbing.)

“What?” says Roger.

“I’m such a fool,” Elaine sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”

“There’s no horse?” says Roger.

“You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Elaine says.

“No!” says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

“It’s just that…it’s that I… I need some time,” Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) “Yes,” he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) “Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?” she says.

“What way?” says Roger.

“That way about time,” says Elaine.

“Oh,” says Roger. “Yes…”

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

“Thank you, Roger,” she says.

“Thank you,” says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

“Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?”

Austin Powers Pick-up Lines from “Gold Member”

  • I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
  • (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let’s get you out of those wet clothes.
  • Nice legs… What time do they open?
  • Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
  • You’ve got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
  • Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
  • I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I’m the only one talking to you.
  • I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a Big Breasted Bed thrasher, have you seen one?
  • I’m fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
  • Wanna play army? I’ll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.
  • I’d really like to see how you look when I’m naked.
  • You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
  • You must be the limp doctor because I’ve got a stiffy.
  • I’d walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
  • If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
  • (Look down at your crotch) Well, it’s not just going to suck itself.
  • You know, if I were you, I’d have sex with me.
  • You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?
  • Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
  • My name is ( )…remember that, you’ll be screaming it later.
  • Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
  • Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
  • I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
  • Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
  • Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them?

Bedroom Golf

  • The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
  • Owner of the course must approve equipment before play may begin.
  • Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.
  • For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. The course owner may check the stiffness of the shaft before allowing play to commence.
  • Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length, so as to avoid damage to the course.
  • The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible, until the course owner is satisfied. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
  • Players are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by the course owner.
  • It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will admire the course, paying special attention to the well formed bunkers.
  • Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played recently to the owner of the course presently being played.
  • If the course to be played is temporarily under repair, player is advised to find alternate means of play.
  • It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times in one match.
  • Course owners shall be the judge of who is the best player.
  • It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players, or even that you have played the course.
  • Players are encouraged to have the proper rain gear along, just in case.
  • Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to play at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner’s request.
  • Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assesments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

Do You Want 2 Lanes or 4?

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said, “OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three… You only get one wish!”

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”

The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete — how much steel!! No, think of another wish.”

The man said “OK, I will try to think of a really good wish”. Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say “nothing,” know how to make them truly happy.”

The genie said, “Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?”

Poor Jake

Jake, a farmer, had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. One day when he was out in the field, Jake’s wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake’s old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her

At the wake, Jake’s minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down, but when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side. When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, “Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?”

“Well,” Jake replied, “The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, “Is that mule for sale?”

The Magic Wishing Well

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said…

“Cool!…It really works!”

Wrong Answer

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.”

“If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,” the wife asks, “would she sleep in our bed?”

“Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It’s going to last a long time, so I guess she would.”

“If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?”

“Oh, no,” the husband replies. “She’s left-handed.”

Wedding Messages

  • The Bureau of Meteorology forecasts rainstorms so the bride can expect a few good inches overnight.
  • Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch installments.
  • “The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
  • “Confucious say man who sink into womans arms soon have arms in womans sink.
  • Sorry I cannot be at Wedding… Please send me a photo of Bride and Groom Mounted.
  • Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and She’ll last for many years.
  • Don’t keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door.
  • Treat him like a flower… grab him by the stalk.
  • If you don’t want the Stork to come, Shoot in the air.
  • Go for it mate. We all did!
  • All the best from Mr and Mrs Farkin and all the Farkin kids.
  • She offered her honor, He honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.
  • Don’t Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an Off-Spring next Spring.
  • Hope you honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, One long hard route.
  • Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whisky makes you Frisky, but its a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.
  • Travel Agency to Bride: The groom’s face leaves at midnight. Be on it.
  • Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.
  • Football coach to bride: If you’ve tried him in 18 positions and he’s still no good, pull him off.
  • Treat the Bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.

Important Wedding Information

  • Announcement:
    It is the responsibility of the bride’s family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school
    yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (DO NOT include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the brides parents, it is NOT necessary to specify where in the house you will reside).
  • Invitations:
    Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free stuff, you MUST send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy. Something like “You are invited to watch so-and so and so-and-so make it legal on ______” will suffice nicely. If you don’t want to be so formal you can always run down to the local bar and yell “If you ain’t doing nothin’ on _____ why don’t you stop by my house for a cold one about 2 o’clock. Me and the Missus-to-be are having some friends over to watch the ball game and witness our wedding.”
  • Proper Attire:
    For the bride, the key words are “be conservative.” No matter how good it may look, refrain from wedding outfits made with spandex or adorned with fringe. Excessive slits and dips also are frowned upon. This is NOT the occasion to show the world how big “THEY” are.

    For the groom, a rented tuxedo is haute couture, but if it means the difference between going on a honeymoon and staying home, consider some alternatives. For example, a leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean work shirt can create a natty appearance. And though possibly uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

  • The Ceremony:
    No matter how urgent the event, loaded weapons have no place at the altar. At the point in the ceremony that says, “If anybody has any reason why these two should no be joined in holy matrimony…” tell the preacher not to pause too long, old flames sometimes die hard and talk too much. As the ceremony is concluded, you and and your new spouse should realize that a short kiss will do. This is neither the time nor the place to demonstrate your sexual expertise to the world. That’s why the video camera was invented.
  • Reception:
    Remember to reserve the UAW hall far in advance, and avoid Saturdays, since that’s bingo night. It is perfectly acceptable to ask guests to wipe their feet before entering the hall. After all the cleaning deposit can be the difference between an oil change and a full tune-up for the car. When dancing never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is!!
  • Common Wedding Questions and Answers:
    Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
    A: NOT if you are the groom.

    Q: How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
    A: At least one within a week of the wedding.

    Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
    A: Anything except “Tied to the Whipping Post”.