Do You Want 2 Lanes or 4?

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said, “OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three… You only get one wish!”

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”

The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete — how much steel!! No, think of another wish.”

The man said “OK, I will try to think of a really good wish”. Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say “nothing,” know how to make them truly happy.”

The genie said, “Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?”

Why Beer is Better Than Women

  • You can enjoy a beer all month long.
  • Beer stains wash out.
  • You don’t have to wine and dine beer.
  • Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play hockey.
  • When your beer goes flat you toss it.
  • Beer is never late.
  • Hangovers go away.
  • A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.
  • Beer labels come off without a fight.
  • When you go to a bar you know you can always pick up a beer.
  • Beer never has a headache.
  • After you have had a beer the bottle is still worth 10¢.
  • A beer won’t get upset if you come home and have beer on your breath.
  • If you pour a beer right you’ll always get a good head.
  • You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
  • A beer always goes down easy.
  • You can share a beer with your friends.
  • You always know you’re the first one to pop a beer.
  • A beer is always wet.
  • Beer doesn’t demand equality.
  • You can have a beer in public.
  • A beer doesn’t care when you get home.
  • A frigid beer is a good beer.
  • You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

Reasons Why Women are Better than Guitars

  • Women are more fun when the power goes out
  • You can’t get your guitar wet
  • Ever try to screw a guitar?
  • The input to a guitar is only 1/4″ (ouch!)
  • A guitar won’t beg to be played
  • It’s no fun to tie your guitar to a bed and spray whipped cream on it
  • When playing a guitar, you can use your teeth, but not your tongue
  • Guitars aren’t very aggressive
  • A guitar won’t play you back
  • You need two hands to make a guitar scream
  • A guitar won’t scratch *your* back
  • A guitar won’t drive you home if you’re too drunk
  • A guitar doesn’t care who plays it
  • You can’t play two guitars at once
  • You can’t fall in love with a guitar
  • It’s a lot more fun to stretch out a woman than guitar strings.
  • Guitar lessons aren’t free and aren’t as much fun.
  • If you really *do* want little guitars, you have to buy them.
  • You can’t marry a rich guitar.
  • Even a good guitar won’t usually last a whole lifetime.
  • Guitars don’t taste very good.
  • A guitar won’t give you head.

If Operating Systems Were Women…

  • UNIX:
    She’s objective, very logical, and highly intelligent. She’s not terribly attractive but she looks okay with lots of makeup. She’s very tidy and a keeps a clean house. She only speaks ancient Greek and only listens to you if you use perfect grammar and punctuation. She’s very emotionally stable and refuses to argue. People seek her advice on the really important things because they know they can depend on her.
  • Mac OS:
    She’s even tempered and only blows up if you do something really stupid or if there’s something seriously wrong with her system. She’s beautiful and improves with age. She’s very stylish and sets trends. She never lies. She is easy to talk to and you can
    generally get her to do what you want without much of a fuss. She’s a good communicator and likes to talk to friends. She’s flexible and likes change. She’s always nice to people when they come to visit. People love her when they get to know her and she has devoted friends everywhere. She smiles at you when you turn her on.
  • Windows:
    She has a nasty temper and often blows up at you for no reason. You have to fight with her to get her to do anything and she insists that you do things the hard way. She’s extremely jealous and has been known to slip poison into the drinks of other women who
    come to visit. She even fights with her friends and it can take hours to get them to listen to each other. Even then, they only recognize each other when they feel like it. She has many psychological problems which carried over from her DOS childhood, although she claims to be over it. Her house is immaculate until you look in the closets and storage spaces where she hides all the crap she doesn’t want people to see. Her house is full of nifty appliances and home electronics but you’re lucky if you can get anything to work. Nothing in her house is where you would expect it to be; the kitchen is on the roof and the bathroom is through a trap door under a rug. She throws a tantrum if you rearrange the furniture. If she gets really mad she makes you go outside, ring the doorbell and wait for her to calm down and let you back in. She deteriorates with age and gets even more ornery the older she gets.

Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women

  • Motorcycle curves never sag.
  • You can ride a motorcycle any day of the month.
  • Motorcycles don’t whine unless something is REALLY wrong.
  • You can kick your motorcycle to wake it up.
  • You can share your motorcycle with friends.
  • Motorcycles don’t care how many other motorcycles you have ridden.
  • When riding, you and your motorcycle ALWAYS arrive at the same time.
  • If your motorcycle is too loose you can tighten it.
  • You can drink beer and ride your motorcycle.
  • If you say things to your motorcycle you don’t have to apologize before you can ride it again.
  • Motorcycles won’t insult you if you are a bad rider.
  • Motorcycles don’t care if you are late.
  • You don’t have to take a shower before riding your motorcycle.
  • If you get a new motorcycle you don’t have to keep sending money to the old one.

Phrases Men Wish Their Women Would Say

  • Of course I’ll swallow it all…I love the taste!
  • Are you sure you’ve had enough to drink?
  • I’m bored…let’s shave my pussy.
  • Shouldn’t you be down at the bar with your buddies?
  • That was a GREAT fart! Do another!
  • I have decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
  • You’re so sexy when you are hung over!
  • I would rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
  • Let’s subscribe to Hustler.
  • Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
  • Say, let’s go down to the mall so that you can check out women’s asses!
  • I will be out painting the house.
  • I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturdays, too.
  • Honey? Our new neighbor’s daughter is sunbathing again…come see!
  • I know it’s tighter back there, but will you PLEASE try again?
  • No, no…I’ll take the car in for an oil change.
  • Your mother is way better than mine!
  • Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine’s Day thing and buy yourself some new golf clubs!
  • I understand fully; our anniversary comes every year, for Christ’s sake! You go hunting with the guys. It’s a great stress reliever!
  • What do you say we get a good porno movie, a 6-pack of Bud, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome?
  • No, not the fucking mall again! Let’s try that new tittie bar instead!
  • Listen…I make enough money for us both. Why don’t you retire and get that nagging handicap down to a 7 or 8?
  • Honey, you need your sleep…stop getting up for night feedings!
  • God, if I don’t get to blow you soon, I swear I am going to bust!
  • I signed up for yoga classes so that I can get my ankles behind my head for you.
  • Let’s just skip the foreplay and romance, and get right down to fucking!
  • I am on my period, so why don’t you let me blow you? Better yet, go ahead and screw the secretary!

Signs You Might Be Experiencing Menopause

  • Hot Flashes
    You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
  • Night Sweats
    The person you sleep with complains about snow piling up on the bed.
  • Mood Swings
    Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
  • Memory Loss
    You write post-it notes with your kid’s names on them.
  • Irritability
    Your husband chirps, “Hi honey, I’m home,” and your reply is, “Well, if it isn’t Ozzie f**king Nelson.”
  • Sleeplessness
    The phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven’s Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
  • Fatigue
    You find Guacamole in your hair after a Mexican dinner.
  • Mild Incontinence
    You change your underwear after every sneeze.
  • Sudden Weight Gain
    You need the ‘Jaws Of Life’ to help you out of your car after returning home from an Italian restaurant.
  • Dryness
    You ask Jiffy Lube to put you up on a hoist.
  • Female Hormone Deficiency
    You take a sudden interest in”Wrestlemania”.
  • Hormone Therapy
    You’re on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.

Pure Female Bashing

  • How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
  • Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
  • Why do women have smaller feet then men?
    So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
  • How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
    When she starts her sentence, “A man once told me …”.
  • How do you fix a woman’s watch?
    You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
  • Why do men pass gas more then women?
    Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.
  • If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog of course. At least he’ll shut up after you let him in.
  • All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
  • What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
    A woman that won’t do what she’s told.
  • I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
  • I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.
  • What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
  • Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
  • Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It is Wedding Cake.
  • Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
  • Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me, “What’s on the TV”.
    I said, “Dust”.
  • In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
    Then God created Man and rested.
    Then God created Woman.
    Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
  • Why do men die before their wives?
    They want to.

I’m Not Saying She’s Easy, But…

  • She’s been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
  • She’s been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
  • She’s done more screwing than Black and Decker.
  • She’s responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
  • She’s turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.
  • She’s been boarded more times than Amtrak.
  • She’s been mounted more often than Trigger.
  • She’s been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins.
  • She’s entertained more troops than Bob Hope.
  • She’s been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.
  • She’s been turned more ways than Rubik’s Cube.
  • She’s spent more time under men than barstools.
  • She’s seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.
  • She’s had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.
  • She’s been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.
  • She’s had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima.
  • Her body has been declared a national recreation area.
  • Her diaphragms come with a service contract.
  • She uses industrial strength douche.
  • Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.
  • Her pantyhose has a pet door.

I Love Her, But…

(A collection of men’s thoughts on their women.)

  • … she has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all I can see is her butt.
    –Howard, Dodge City, Kan.
  • … she was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast. Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast, let alone what she’d have?
    –Ted, Wexford, Pa.
  • … what’s mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts. When she’s cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I’m tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she’d do.
    –Dave, Martha’s Vineyard, Mass.
  • … she makes lists. Things to buy. Things to do. People to call. If it’s not on the list, it doesn’t get done. Once, to be funny, I put “sex” on the list. Mistake. Now it has to be on the list, or it doesn’t get done.
    –Nick, Wheeling, W.Va.
  • … you can hear her eat soup from the next room.
    –Bruce, Bridgewater, N.J.
  • … when she gets an idea in her head, there’s no stopping her. And no rest for anyone until it’s done. It’s not so bad when the idea is to bake cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it’s to build a new house, or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense.
    –Jim, Minneapolis
  • … my wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, she asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork chops used to be smarter than their dogs.
    –Miles, Shreveport, La.
  • … every so often boom! she’s a brunette. Or I come home to a redhead. Actually, I have no idea what her natural color is.
    –Cary, Seattle
  • … she’ll brush her teeth but she won’t go to the dentist. She says she’s not afraid of the pain, she just doesn’t want to put herself in the hands of any fellow who’d choose to be a dentist.
    –Terence, Gary, Ind.
  • … she’s stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she’s a natural blonde.
    –Ned, Tucson, Ariz.
  • … she takes her half of the bed out of the middle.
    -Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.
  • … have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared over her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think you’d be able to sleep at night, knowing that creature is next to you?
    –Arthur, Cedar City, Utah
  • … my wife’s allergic to everything. Her nose is chronically stuffed. If I kissed her on the mouth, she’d suffocate.
    –Bryan, Toledo, Ohio
  • … after sex, I mean the second after, she continues where she left off. Her eyes open and before you can breathe, you hear, ” … and, oh, yeah, I have to defrost the chicken, and your mother wants you to pick up her dry cleaning …”
    –Jimmy, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.
  • … in bed I’m her high school teacher, captain of the football team, her boss, the bad boy, a waiter, a lifeguard, a telephone repairman, a cop. Once in a while I’d like to be me.
    –Neil, Orlando, Fla.
  • … she wears these false eyelashes. She left ’em lying around and I slammed ’em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared me half to death.
    –Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla.
  • … she takes those soaps too seriously. I’ll come home and find her in tears because some character died. Or upset that some nonexistent guy’s having a fictional affair.
    –Archie, St. Louis
  • … she will not shop at discount stores or sales. She thinks they’re crowded and plebeian. She doesn’t even look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps, for gifts for my mother.
    –Conrad, Wilmington, Del.
  • … it annoys her that our children look like me.
    –James, New Orleans
  • … counting my wife and our teenage girls, that’s four women. Somebody’s always got PMS.
    –Everett, Little Rock, Ark.
  • … with five kids, I don’t have time to complain about my wife. I don’t have time to notice her.
    –Bob, Charleston, W.Va.