Pure Female Bashing

  • How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
  • Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
  • Why do women have smaller feet then men?
    So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
  • How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
    When she starts her sentence, “A man once told me …”.
  • How do you fix a woman’s watch?
    You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
  • Why do men pass gas more then women?
    Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.
  • If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog of course. At least he’ll shut up after you let him in.
  • All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
  • What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
    A woman that won’t do what she’s told.
  • I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
  • I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.
  • What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
    Divorced.
  • Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
  • Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It is Wedding Cake.
  • Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
  • Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me, “What’s on the TV”.
    I said, “Dust”.
  • In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
    Then God created Man and rested.
    Then God created Woman.
    Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
  • Why do men die before their wives?
    They want to.

Pure Male Bashing

  • What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
    Close the door
  • When do you care for a man’s company?
    When he owns it.
  • How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
    Three, if you slice them very thinly.
  • Why do men get married??
    So they don’t have to hold their stomachs in any more
  • What are a woman’s four favorite animals?
    A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and
    an ass to pay for it all.
  • How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
    His hand caught fire.
  • How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
    Put the remote control between his toes.
  • What did God say after creating man?
    I must be able to do better than that.
  • What did God say after she made Eve?
    “Practice makes perfect.”
  • Husband: Want a quickie?
    Wife: As opposed to what?
  • How does a man take a bubble bath?
    He eats beans for dinner.
  • What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
    They’re married.
  • Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
    So they can find their way back to the house.
  • Why are married women heavier than single women?
    Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
    Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
  • Behind every great woman is a man telling her she’s ignoring him.
  • He keeps a record of everything he eats. It’s called a tie.
  • What’s the quickest way to lose 180 lbs. of ugly fat?
    Divorce your husband.
  • What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower
    A widower
  • What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
    A widow.
  • Why do blonde women have bruises around their navels?
    Blonde men aren’t that clever either.
  • Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
    He wouldn’t ask for directions.