Signs You Might Be Experiencing Menopause

  • Hot Flashes
    You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
  • Night Sweats
    The person you sleep with complains about snow piling up on the bed.
  • Mood Swings
    Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
  • Memory Loss
    You write post-it notes with your kid’s names on them.
  • Irritability
    Your husband chirps, “Hi honey, I’m home,” and your reply is, “Well, if it isn’t Ozzie f**king Nelson.”
  • Sleeplessness
    The phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven’s Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
  • Fatigue
    You find Guacamole in your hair after a Mexican dinner.
  • Mild Incontinence
    You change your underwear after every sneeze.
  • Sudden Weight Gain
    You need the ‘Jaws Of Life’ to help you out of your car after returning home from an Italian restaurant.
  • Dryness
    You ask Jiffy Lube to put you up on a hoist.
  • Female Hormone Deficiency
    You take a sudden interest in”Wrestlemania”.
  • Hormone Therapy
    You’re on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.