- Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case…
- Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.
- Physicist (Theoretical): Shit SHOULD happen.
- Physicist (Experimental): To within experimental error, shit DID happen.
- Engineer: I hope this shit holds together.
- Chemist: I hope this shit doesn’t blow up.
- Biologist: Is this shit alive?
- Economist: I hope no one figures out that I don’t really understand this shit.
- Bureaucrat: I’m sorry, but we make this shit happen until you fill out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828…
- CEO: (1980’s) I’ve got all the shit I want.
(1990’s) Oh, SHIT!
- Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.
- Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning.
- Surgeon: Shit, where’s this organ supposed to go?
- Psychologist: Shit is in your mind. Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness.
- Programmer: It’s shit, but at least it compiles.
- Social Scientist: Let’s pretend that shit doesn’t happen…
- Politician: It’s shit, but it’ll get me elected. If you elect me, shit will never again happen. Shit happening is bad for the economy.
- Waitress: You want fries with that shit?
- Musician: This shit is out of tune.
- Dean: Let’s see how much shit the faculty’ll take.
- Accountant: Why doesn’t this shit add up?
- Linguist: What I’m doing is a bunch of feces tauri.
- Quality Control Inspector: This shit ain’t good enough.
- IRS Auditor: I’ll make ’em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.
- Farmer: I get subsidies for my shit.
- Union leader: Give us more shit or we’ll strike.
- Mafia boss: Rub the little shits out.
- NYC Cab Driver: Damn, looks like I hit that shit…
- Telecom Tech: This shit is going the wrong way! You have to route it this way…
Let’s sell this cow manure.
This cow manure belongs to the Government.
This cow manure belongs to the People.
Let’s spread this cow manure around.
Keep your hands off my cow manure.
Looks like cow manure. Smells like cow manure. Tastes like cow manure. Glad I didn’t step in it.
Bob Dole’s stepped in cow manure and Bob Dole knows what to do with cow manure. Bob Dole in a previous life was cow manure.
There is no such thing as cow manure.
Eat cow manure and die.
I love this cow manure.
Cow manure doesn’t stink.
Keep your cow manure away from my cow manure.
Let the cow manure hit the fan.
Clean up this cow manure, honey.
I’m not going to take this cow manure anymore.
Clean this cow manure up.
If we merge our cow manure with your cow manure, we’ll be big shits.
Want power and respect? Want to influence the course of world events? Want to be on CNN every night? Tired of hum-drum conventional warfare and messy bio-chemical weapons? Want to watch the citizens of your favorite opponent squirm and sweat in constant nagging fear of instant and unexpected annihilation?
Lease a nuclear device!
In the wake of the former Soviet Union’s demise, there are literally thousands of high-quality nuclear weapons complete with inter-continental delivery systems going unused.
Though these systems are indeed powerful and destructive weapons of war, they are most effective when used in a more passive role. The US and USSR have proven in years of research and actual testing that nuclear devices are most effective when merely targeting an enemy. Actual detonation is not normally necessary to achieve tremendous effect in the designated target’s military, political, economic and social well being.
Imagine the boost in national pride and morale when you personally announce on state radio and television that you have put long-time enemies under threat of nuclear destruction. They will praise your name as a powerful and inspired leader even without the secret police’s encouragement.
By leasing, you not only save money developing your own nuclear technology program, you save a lot of unnecessary headaches, too.
Nuclear weapons development is expensive and time consuming, not to mention easily detectable. It could take you years to acquire and build the necessary industry to manufacture weapons-grade material. Even after that, you still have to design, build and test your first device before anyone takes you seriously.
Purchasing existing nuclear hardware is also expensive and risky. Most governments are on the lookout for such activity. Many dealers are crooked. Do you really want to take a chance getting ripped off by shady weapons dealers?
Even if you succeed purchasing through the black market, you stand the risk of getting on the wrong side of international opinion. You could lose existing conventional arms contracts, face economic sanctions or even military action.
With a lease you avoid a lot of other problems too. Since the weapons are not on your property, you avoid becoming a target yourself. You can forget about the high cost of security, environmental pollution concerns and even subversion by renegade generals in your own army.
The advantages of leasing are tremendous. You just sign, point, and go! When you are through leasing, just turn in the button and walk away. You can even change your target at any time for a small fee. (Handy for preventing those nasty coup d’etats.) You can announce your target or keep it secret. Each targeted device contract comes with a certificate of authenticity and sufficient proof of actual delivery capability.
The best part is, you don’t pay for the whole weapon, unless you actually fire it! This alone presents a HUGE cost savings over the alternatives.
Imagine the power and prestige you will feel when you get your very own button. You can do things you never thought possible, like pounding your shoe on the UN podium. Hey, and nothing says sexy like a nuclear trigger.
Hurry, opportunities are limited! Contact Raydeax Corporation for more details on how you too can become an instant nuclear world power.
Technology Director of the World-Wide Monetary Conspiracy
(Opinions strictly reflect the party line)
- IDIOTS IN SERVICE:
This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window. The pleasant gentleman asked, “Would you like us to call you before we come?” I replied that I didn’t see how he would be able to do that since our phones weren’t working. He also requested that we report future outages by email (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).
- IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
- IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new Neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and she didn’t want them to cross there anymore.
- IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. At another Taco Bell, I was asked if I wanted the food to go. I said no. She asked, do you want to eat it here? I said, can I eat it on the roof?
- IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” She smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask.”
- IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe To cross the street. I was crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?”
- IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to “downsizing,” our manager commented cheerfully, “This is fun. We should do this more often.” Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
- IDIOT SIGHTING #4:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.
- IDIOT SIGHTING #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “it’s open!” To which he replied, “I know – I already got that side.”
Addicted to Your Cell Phone? Tangled in a web of wireless? Maybe you should ask yourself these questions.
- Do parts of your body tingle when you get free cell phone minutes?
- Does raising your children interfere with programming your speed dial?
- Do you have long-distance conversations while sitting on the toilet in a public restroom?
- Does the term fashion statement mean matching your outfit with your cell phone carrying case?
- When getting into a car accident, is your first response “Can you hold on a moment, I’m hemorrhaging?”
- Does the sound of static trigger dark memories of ill-fated connections?
- Do you use the menu light as your night light?
- Does it take you an hour on a regular phone to get the same feeling of a five-minute cellular call?
- When receiving a phone call, do you ever ask the film projectionist to lower the volume of the movie?
Read the TEXT FIRST, then open the photo.
They were alone in the house. It was a cold, dark stormy night. The storm had come up quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump. She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance and wished that he would take her in his arm, comfort her, protect her from the storm, she wanted that…then the power went out. She screamed.
He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He did not hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn’t resist but instead clung to him. The storm raged on… as did their growing passion and there came a moment when each knew that they had to be together.
They knew it was wrong, their families would not understand, but so consumed in their passion they didn’t hear the door or the click of the light switch… the power was back on…
Betty, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business.
Most local residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. However, she made a mistake when she recently accused Ted, a local man, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town’s only bar one afternoon.
Ted, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and walked away. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.
- TO MY WIFE: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.
- TO MY BANKER: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.
- TO MY NEIGHBOR: My clown suit. He’ll need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.
- TO THE ASCS: My grain bin. I was planning to let them take it next year anyway.
- TO THE FARM ADVISOR: 50 bushels of corn to see if he can hit the market. I never did.
- TO THE JUNK MAN: All my machinery. He’s had his eye on it for years.
- TO MY UNDERTAKER: A special request. I want six implement and fertilizer dealers for my pallbearers. They’re used to carrying me.
- TO THE WEATHERMAN: Rain, sleet, and snow for the funeral please. No sense having good weather now.
- TO THE GRAVEDIGGER: Don’t bother. The hole I’m in should be big enough.
- TO THE MONUMENT MAKER: For the epitaph: “Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations.”
A Polish man wants lunch, so he goes down to a place he knows of down the street, walks up to the counter, and says, “I want a
burger, some fries, and a chocolate shake.”
The man behind the counter says, “You must be Polish.”
The guys says, “Oh, I can’t believe it! Everyone always knows,” and he storms out of the place. He vows that he is going to learn to disguise his Polishness if it’s the last thing he ever does.
He goes to school to lose his accent. He goes to a fashion designer to have a whole new wardrobe designed for him. Then he goes to a finishing school to learn all the proper manners and how to behave in all circumstances.
A couple of months later the Polish man goes back to the same place and goes up to the same man at the counter.
“I would like to start first with some vichyssoise,” he says, “then I’ll have some steak tartare, and then I think I’ll finish off with some fresh raspberries.”
The man behind the counter says, “You must be Polish.”
The guy freaks out. “I just spent thousands of dollars on a wardrobe and finishing school! How is it that you always know I’m Polish?”
“Because,” the man behind the counter says, “this is a hardware store.”
A medieval king was doing battle with the neighboring kingdom and had the chance to defeat his enemy if he could get a message out to his allies further south. He called his knights together and requested a volunteer to carry this entreaty. Immediately a tall and brave knight stepped forward and announced he would gladly volunteer his services. It was with much fanfare that the knight mounted his steed, the secret message in his saddlepack, and headed out across the drawbridge. Out of the clouds came a giant yellow hand that snatched both the knight and his steed off the drawbridge, crushed them both, and deposited their remains into the alligator filled moat below.
A somber hush fell over the castle. The king again requested a volunteer to save his kingdom. And another knight stepped forward, willing to risk his life for the glory of serving his king and kingdom. Much concern and hoopla went on as he mounted his steed, deposited the secret message in his saddlebag, and headed out across the draw bridge. And AGAIN this enormous yellow hand swooped down out of the clouds, snatching him off the drawbridge, crushing him and depositing him in the alligator filled moat.
The king was at a loss as surely he would lose the battle and his kingdom in the process. No other knights would step forward. The king offerred his daughter’s hand and half his kingdom to whoever could dispatch the message to his allies. A small page stepped forward, caring little about the kingdom but possessing an intense desire for the princess. “I’ll do it,” he said, as he took the entreaty and placed it in the purse pages were wont to carry in those days.
The drawbridge was lowered and he scampered across as fast as his little legs would carry him. As before, down swoops this giant yellow hand, grabbing for the page as he raced along, but as luck would have it, his size worked to his advantage, and he slipped between the fingers, reached the other side of the drawbridge and disappeared into the safety of the forest. The message was successfully delivered, the war was won, and he lived happily ever after with the princess on his half of the kingdom.