Category Archives: Cops/Robbers

Police Officer Test

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How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION: You’re on duty by yourself (don’t ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you. You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do ?

ANSWER:

British Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man’s human rights.

  1. Does the man look poor or oppressed ?
  2. Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?
  3. Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?
  4. Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?
  5. Am I dressed provocatively ?
  6. Could I run away ?
  7. Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand ?
  8. Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?
  9. Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?
  10. Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?
  11. If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
  12. If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?
  13. If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

Canadian Police Officer:

BANG !

American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

‘Click’…Reload…

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

Glasgow Police Officer:

“Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer arse!”

Ways NOT To Begin Your Police Report

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  • It was the best of times, it was the worst of times …
  • The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the innocent …
  • The mayor then made an illegal left hand turn onto Mulraney at which point I opened fire …
  • Before I get into the details, I’ve got a few “shout-outs” for my homeys in the command staff …
  • It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist. The radio call penetrated the eerie silence with such piercing intensity that for a moment, I was sure I’d lost my mind …
  • Got call. Responded. Arrested bad guy. The end.
  • Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man act suspishushly…
  • The suspect then tried to assualt me by repeatedly slamming his face into my fist …
  • A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away …

What’s in the Bags?

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A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks, “What’s in the bags?”

The fellow says, “SAND!”

The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects only to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border. Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated.

“What have you got there?”

“Sand.”

“Let me see it.”

Same results… Nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again. Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue.

Finally, one week the fellow didn’t show up. However, the guard sees him downtown and says to the fellow, “Buddy, you had us crazy. We sort of knew you were smuggling something. I won’t say anything… What were you smuggling?”

The fellow replies, “Bicycles.”

The Revised Miranda Rights

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  • Verbal Version 1
    • You have the right to remain motionless,
      or you may elect to run away from me.
      Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to
      chase you down to the ends of the earth.
      You have the right to have your lawyer run with you.
      Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate
      will be appointed by the court to jog along with you.
      If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race,
      beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your
      intentions, and may continue his persuit of you in full stride.
      You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.
      Good luck. On your mark, get set…. GO!!!!!
  • Verbal Version 2
    • You have the right to swing first. Anything you do
      can and will lead to an ass-kicking.
      You have the right to have a priest and/or an EMT
      present at the time of the ass-kicking.
      If you don’t have a priest, one will be appointed
      free of charge, to read you your last prayer.
  • Written Version

    • YOU ARE UNDER ARREST AND…

      ___ No, I don’t care who you are.
      ___ No, I don’t care who you know.
      ___ Yes… you DO pay my salary.
      ___ Yes… you CAN have my job.
      ___ No, I don’t have anything better to do.
      ___ Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.
      ___ No, I am not picking on you because you are _____________ (ethnic group/race).
      ___ No, I can’t give you a break.
      ___ No, I don’t know your friend, Officer ______.
      ___ Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call.
      ___ Yes, I’m sure you will never do it again.
      ___ No, we can’t talk about it.
      ___ Yes, it DOES make me happy.
      ___ Yes, you WILL see me in court.

    Thank you, have a nice day… TOMORROW!!!

    Your Arresting Officer ________________

Prison Pick-Up Lines

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  • “Interested in serving HARD time?”
  • “Damn, you are sexy in stripes.”
  • “Don’t you prefer dropping bar soap instead of that liquid crap?”
  • “Is that a zip-gun carefully carved out of a piece of discarded metal found on the floor of the prison license-plate manufacturing shop in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?”
  • “You know, normally I don’t give in the first 30 seconds, but I guess I’m a sucker for sheer muscle mass.”
  • “Nice teeth. They’d look so much better on my the floor of my cell.”
  • “Who wants to marry a multiple murderer?”
  • “I’ve been watching you from across the yard for awhile now, and I knew if I didn’t work up the courage to just walk over here and ask you to be my bitch, I might regret it for the rest of my life.”
  • “Due to a recent execution, I now have an opening for my prison bitch.”
  • “Bread, water or me?”
  • “Stop by my cell later for a Lethal Injection.”
  • “Hold still while I staple this centerfold to the back of your head.”
  • “Did you order the Soap Drop soup?”
  • “That orange jumpsuit really brings out the red in your freshly-healed knife wound.”
  • “Cinemax3 is doing another one of those Women In Prison movies soon…Wanna audition in my cell?”
  • “Wanna attend a chain gang bang?”
  • “Care to give Prisoner Johnson a weekend furlough?”
  • “You’re new here… let me debrief you and introduce you to the penal system.”
  • “You look even better in person than you did on America’s Most Wanted.”
  • “If looks could kill, you’d get 25 to life.”
  • “You’re getting your GED… wow, that makes me so H.O.T.!!”
  • “Is your name ‘Escape Tunnel’? Because I’ve been digging you all night.”

An Inmate’s Last Wish

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The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him.

But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn’t want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

“No,” the inmate said, “just get it over with.”

“Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?” said the guard. “You didn’t even want a special last meal!”

The inmate thought. “Actually,” he said, “Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions.”

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started, “One billion bottles of beer on the wall…”

On Death Row

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There was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

  1. to be shot
  2. to be hung
  3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, “Shoot me right in the head.” Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, “Just hang me.” Snap! he was dead.

Then the Redneck said, “Give me some of that AIDS stuff.” They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing.

The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Redneck said, “Give me another one of those shots,” so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally the warden said, “What’s wrong with you?” The Redneck replied, “You guys are so stupid….. I’m wearing a condom.”

Night Shift Thefts

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A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.

Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.

“I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away.” The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on him. The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard’s checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing.

Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor. He walked into the supervisor’s office and before he could say a word, the boss said, “You’re fired!”

“Fired?” he asked in total surprise. “Why? What did I do?”

“It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed. So you’re fired.”

“Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard.”

“Oh, really,” the boss answered. “Then how do you account for the fact that there are over 250 wheelbarrows missing?”

Moneybags

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A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there is a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.”

“Oh, really? Damn!” says the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh no,” says the little old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there is a game, a lot of the fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say, ‘$20 or off it comes!'”

“Well, that seems only fair,” laughs the cop. “Ok, good luck! By the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Well,” says the little old lady, “not everybody pays.”

FBI’s Top 12 Deaths of the Year

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Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes including Suspicious Deaths and Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its Top 12 Homicides of the year.

  1. Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20 inch long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husband’s strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into Alex’s anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.
  2. Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.
  3. Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn’t have dinner no one should,and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn’t realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.
  4. David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girlfriend after he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with double-barreled shotgun. Charla’s (the girlfriends’) father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.
  5. Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr. Halos paid his rent.
  6. Megan Fry, 44 years old, was killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered into a fake town where a live-ammo training exercise was being held. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled Boo! The troopers, thinking she was a pop-up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. “She just looked like a very realistic target”, one of the troopers stated in his report.
  7. Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.
  8. Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbor. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena’s eye shadow with a uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never went to a doctor or hospital for a check up.
  9. Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 pounds of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons some up to 14 miles away. No trace of the car or the victim was ever found, only a 55 foot deep crater, and 500 feet of missing road.
  10. Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbor in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbor, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F4 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr. Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn’t know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.
  11. Michael Lewis, angry with his gay boyfriend, used the movie, “Die Hard With a Vengeance” as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read Death to all Niggers! on one side, and God Loves the KKK. On the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.
  12. Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents’ passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, “Sorry for the fight, have a puff on me, Brian.” Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process.