- If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
- Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
- Use CB lingo where applicable.
- Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
- Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”
- Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you’re going with the lowest bidder.
- Give them your address, exclaim “Oh, just surprise me!” and hang up.
- Answer their questions with questions.
- In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
- Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
- Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
- Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” CD.
“Chop your pizza on a mirror!”
“Master! Master! Put pepperoni on my pizza!”
“Gimme pizza! You will do what I say, when I say Gimme pizza!”
- Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
- Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.”
- Stutter on the letter “p.”
- Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (If phoning Domino’s, ask for a CheeserCheeser!)
- Ask what the order taker is wearing.
- Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
- Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
- Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
- Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
- Change your accent every three seconds.
- Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
- Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say “Bed-Wetters’ Camp, right?”
- Start your order with “I’d like…” A little later, slap yourself and say “No, I don’t.”
- If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say “OK. That’ll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.”
- Rent a pizza.
- Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
- Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
- Put the accent on the last syllable of “pepperoni.” Use the long “i” sound.
- Have your pizza “shaken, not stirred.”
- Say “Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say “Well, so is this! You’ve got some explaining to do!” When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, “Do you know what it’s like to be lied to?”
- Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
- Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
- Imitate the order taker’s voice.
- Eliminate verbs from your speech.
- When they say “What would you like?” say, “Huh? Oh, you mean now.”
- Play a guitar in the background.
- Say it’s your anniversary and you’d appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
- Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
- Ask to see a menu.
- Quote Carl Sandberg.
- Say you’ll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
- Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
- Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
- Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
- Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
- Shout “I’m through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!”
- Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say “Where was I? Who are you?”
- Psychoanalyze the order taker.
- Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
- Order two toppings, then say, “No, they’ll start fighting.”
- Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included.
- Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn’t mean it.
- Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he’s fired.
- Report a petty theft to the order taker.
- Use expletives like “Great Caesar’s Ghost” and “Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town.”
- Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
- If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, “I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.”
- Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
- Try to talk while drinking something.
- Start the conversation with “My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and… action!”
- Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
- Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
- Be vague in your order.
- When they repeat your order, say “Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.”
- If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
- After ordering, say “I wonder what THIS button on the phone does.” Simulate a cutoff.
- Start the conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be my last entry.”
- State your order and say that’s as far as this relationship is going to get.
- Ask if they’re familiar with the term “spanking a pizza.” Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
- Say “Kssssssssssssssht” rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
- Detect the order taker’s psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
- When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
- Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
- Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
- Perfect a celebrity’s voice. Stress that you won’t take any crap from some two-bit can’t-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
- Put them on hold.
- Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
- Mumble, “There’s a bomb under your seat.” When asked to repeat that, say, “I said ‘sauce smothered with meat’.”
- Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say “No mushrooms, please.” Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
- When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say “You just don’t get it, do you?”
- When you’re given the price, say “Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.”
- Order a one-inch pizza.
- Order term life insurance.
- When they say “Will that be all?”, snicker and say “We’ll find out, won’t we?”
- Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
- Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
- While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
- Engage in some serious swapping.
- Dance all around the word “pizza.” Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say “Please don’t mention that word.”
- Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell “OW!” when a bullet is fired.
- If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
- Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
- Order a steamed pizza.
- Get taker’s name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, “This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so.” Hang up.
- Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, “Last guy let me do it.”
Category Archives: Food/Dining Out
An Ultimate M&M Challenge
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointer, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd.
Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 USA, along with a 3×5 card reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.”
This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this “grant money.” I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.
There can be only one…
A customer at Morris’ Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence.
“Tell me, Morris, what makes you so smart?”
“I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” Morris replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won’t hear, “But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.”
“You sell them here?” the customer asks.
“Only $4 apiece,” says Morris.
The customer buys three. A week later, he’s back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn’t any smarter.
“You didn’t eat enough, ” says Morris.
The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he’s back and this time he’s really angry.
“Hey, Morris,” he says, “You’re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. …You’re ripping me off!”
“You see?” says Morris. “You’re smarter already.”
The Worst Convenience Foods
- Meeter’s Kraut Juice (Stokely USA)
Yes, that’s sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease.
- Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports)
The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the package label — he seems to be saying, “Go on, eat me already.” The second-best thing is the presence of both “cooked mutton” and “mutton” in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered.
- Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.)
If you’re really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you’ll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then, that the label on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains and scrambled eggs.
- Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.)
From its size (think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall appearance (it’s stewed in a quivering mass of aspic goop), this product may change forever your idea of what constitutes a chicken. Gives new meaning to the old line about meat “falling off the bone.”
- Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery)
You may think musk is a scent, but over in Australia, they think it’s a candy flavor. A candy flavor that tastes disturbingly like raw meat, to be precise. But what did you expect from a country where everyone happily consumes Vegemite?
- Blind Robin’s Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar Food Products)
Possibly the world’s most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack. Interestingly, the product’s titular robin isn’t actually blind, he’s blindfolded — the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs.
- Kylmänen Reindeer Pate’ (Kylmänen Oy)
This Finnish canned good may not be particularly tasty, but at least it answers the age-old question of why Rudolph was so eager for that safe, steady job on Santa’s sleigh team — he didn’t want to end up a cracker spread.
I have actually tasted this one, and it isn’t really as bad as you think. Far worse in my eyes was the instant blood pancake mix that my grandmother insisted on bringing home from Finland, and then preparing for all of her friends. Let’s just say there were not enough preserves in the house to make them palatable.
- Tengu Clam Jerky (Tengu Co.)
Nothing you’ve ever consumed can prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product does score a sort of conceptual coup: If you’re the sort who’s always found raw clams too slimy and gelatinous for your taste, these dried, shriveled mollusks will help you dislike clams on a whole new level.
- Post Oreo O’s (Kraft Foods, Inc)
A substance, supposedly a breakfast cereal, patterned after the notorious Oreo cookie. Oreo O’s look exactly like used cat litter. They smell and taste so bad dogs won’t eat them. Put milk on Oreo O’s and you have a bowl of something that looks like oily refried beans. If Kraft had deliberately set out to make the foulest cereal possible, they could not have exceeded the putridity of Oreo O’s.
- Whole Peeled Lamb’s Tongue (Salislbury Farm)
If the thought of eating a lamb’s tongue is enough to put you off your dinner, you probably shouldn’t look any closer at the label. The lamb tongues in this tin have been peeled. Talk about convenience! Is there anything more horrible than eating an unpeeled tongue?
- BBQ Flavour Silk Worm Pupae (Various, Korea)
This popular street snack food from Korea has been gathered up, prepared, cooked in a some sort of gooey substance, and flavored with barbeque spices. Yum!
- Grass Jelly Drink (ChinChin)
The stalks and leaves of a plant similar to mint are steamed with starch and then cooled for form a jelly. The jelly itself tastes like iodine and lavender. It can be eaten straight from the can or made into a drink.
- Traditional Recipe Haggis (Grant’s)
Haggis is made from taking the organs of a sheep, like the heart, liver and lungs, and mixing it with onion, oatmeal and spices, then stuffing it into the stomach of a sheep and cooking it. Canned haggis is all of the above stuffed into a can where it sits for who knows how long before a brave soul, read drunk people of Scotland, eats it. *Shudders*
- Cuitlacoche Maize Mushrooms (Monteblanco and others)
Cuitlacoche or corn smut is a black fungus that infects corn fields, swelling the corn kernels and filling them with spores. Farmers in the US destroy it – the farmers in Mexico put it in cans and consider it a delicacy. It has a very pungent earthy flavor with hints of mushroom and corn.
- Surstroming (Various)
Also known as “Stinky Swedish Fish” this traditional dish from northern Sweden is sour, fermented Baltic herring. Just enough salt is dded to the raw fish to prevent it from rotting. The fermentation process takes at least 6 months, and gives this lightly-salted fish its strong smell and acidulous taste. The gases that build up during the fermentation process can be volatile and frequently cause the cans to bulge. Cans have been known to explode with little or no warning.
- Häkarl (Brekkuhusum)
Similar in idea to the Swedish fish, the folks in Iceland make their stinky fish delicacy with sleeper sharks – fermented for several weeks and then hunt out to dry for several months. As bad as it smells, the taste is probably worse – unless you are from Iceland.
When you think of chocolate, do you associate it as a “junk food”? For all you chocolate lovers, this article may just make your day!
Chocolate is a plant-based food that contains several minerals such as magnesium, copper, zinc, and iron. In addition, it contains a group of phytochemicals called polyphenols. Phytochemicals have been recently shown to possess antioxidant properties. “Antioxidant properties” means that it possesses little chemicals that help fight off certain diseases.
Now, this article is not telling you it is okay to make chocolate a major part of your diet. What it is telling you that it is perfectly fine to include it as part of a well balanced diet.
The plant phenols found in chocolate include a subclass known as flavonoids. Flavonoids are found in tea, wine, cocoa, and chocolate. Studies have shown that flavonoids seem to have a positive effect impact on heart health.
Chocolate flavonoids possess a very unique chemical structure compared to other plant-based foods and beverages. These flavonoids are actually rarely found in food sources. But, of biggest interest is the fact that they are particularly powerful antioxidants.
The polyphenols in chocolate have been reported to decrease the oxidation of LDL cholesterol both in vitro and in humans. This finding is especially important in regards to heart health. LDL cholesterol levels have been linked as a potential risk factor for heart disease.
“Isn’t chocolate high in fat?”, you ask. “And, isn’t it saturated fat?” Yes, and yes. However, studies have shown that chocolate is no longer a concern in regards to its saturated fat content. Why?
Early on, it appeared that ALL saturated fats had a negative effect on cholesterol levels. New research shows that not all saturated fats act the same way in the body. The type of fat contained in cocoa butter include oleic acid (a monounsaturated fat – heart healthy) and stearic and palmitic acids (both saturated fats).
Stearic acid has unique properties as a saturated fat. Stearic acid’s effect on blood cholesterol is neutral – it neither raises or lowers cholesterol. Other saturated fats increase blood cholesterol levels. In case you are wondering what it is exactly that makes a fat saturated vs. unsaturated, it quite simply is the chemical structure. So, while stearic acid’s chemical structure defines it as a saturated fat, it does not effect cholesterol levels the same as other saturated fats.
Conclusion – Chocolate eaten in moderation may actually contribute to a heart healthy diet. Plus, indulging a little will likely boost your spirits.
Rules for Dining Out
- Rule number one: If you’re traveling, never ever eat in any place called “Mom’s” — well, unless the only other places in town to dine are named “Eats” and “Dirty Harry’s”.
- Rule number two: If you’ve entered a restaurant in the “Little Italy” section of the town, and you’ve noticed all the waiters are wearing shoulder holsters, you’d better just leave.
- Rule number three: If you’re waiting in line to be seated at a nice restaurant, you can always figure a wait of two hours or a twenty — whichever comes first.
- Rule number four: If you’re given a choice of tables by the maitre d’hotel, my suggestion is that you always request one near a waiter.
- Rule number five: If you notice that the tablecloth and the napkins are made of a better material than any suit you own, you’d better hope your credit card is not maxed-out.
- Rule number six: If you’re in a fancy restaurant and you find you cannot pronounce some dish on the menu, chances are you probably can’t afford it either.
- Rule number seven: If you’ve been served bread and rolls while awaiting your meal, and you find the place is using a cheap substitute for margarine, you’d probably better just leave.
- Rule number eight: If you notice a bottle of Maalox along with a variety of other antacids among the condiments on the table, you’d probably better not order anything spicy.
The Great Twinkie Experiment
In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, I subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments:
A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie’s surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds — even pigeons — avoided this potential source of substance.
Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling however, retained its advertised “creaminess”
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for precisely 4 minutes — the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie’s rich, characteristic aroma of artificial butter. After one minute, this aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes 10 seconds when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven. A second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment; this Twinkie leaked molten white filling. When cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity: it was removed only upon application of a butter knife.
- Extreme Force
A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately 120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The expected “splatter” effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside; otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact.
- Extreme Cold
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties had noticeably “slowed”. The filling was found to be the approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike property of not adhering to practically any surface. It was noticed the Twinkie had generously absorbed the freezer odors.
- Extreme Heat
A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its “cream holes” boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however produce the same “burning rubber” aroma noticed in the irradiation experiment.
A Twinkie was dropped into a large bucket filled with water, the Twinkie floated momentarily, then began to list and sink. Viscous yellow tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble artificial coloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie bloated substantially. Its coloring was now a very pale tan — in contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours the Twinkie had increased roughly 200 percent of its original size. The water had turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the “cream holes”. Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were abandoned when, under light pressure the Twinkie disintegrated into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.
- Summary of Results
The Twinkie’s survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual phenomena associated with the “creamy filling” and artificial coloring, should give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as “food”. Further clinical inquiry is required before any definite conclusions can be drawn.
Westinghouse Security Electronics
Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:
- The whole thing all at once.
- One bite at a time.
- Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
- In little feverous nibbles.
- Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee…).
- Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
- Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
- Just the cookie, not the inside.
- I just like to lick them, not eat them.
- I don’t have a favorite way because I don’t like Oreos.
- The whole thing
This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.
- One bite at a time
You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that’s okay, not to worry, you’re normal.
- Slow and Methodical
You follow the rules. You’re very tidy and orderly. You’re very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you’re only going to go the speed limit.
- Feverous Nibbles
Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.
Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.
- Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie.
You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.
- Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie.
You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that’s ok, you don’t care, you got yours.
- Just the cookie, not the inside.
You enjoy pain.
- I just like to lick them, not eat them.
Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help – immediately.
- I don’t have a favorite way, I don’t like Oreos.
You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a priss.
I’m Having a Problem…
I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly.
At the window, there was a delay. Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated.
“I’m having a problem,” she announced. “The ice keeps melting.”
Signs That Ronald McDonald is Growing Up
- No longer signs paychecks in crayon.
- That new “Mr. Happy Meal.”
- Distinctive odor of bourbon and stale cigars at personal appearances.
- Two words: sagging buns.
- Replacing floppy red shoes with floppy black wingtips.
- Now offering “Happy Hour” Meals.
- No longer asks women if they want to see his McNuggets.
- Instead of size 46 shoe, now takes a size 62.
- Gin has replaced make-up as his nose-reddener.
- That telltale bottle of Clairol Fire Engine Red #4 in his shower.
- Seen with Jack-in-the-Box at strip clubs stuffing fries down g-strings.
- Three kids injured in unfortunate stubble incident.
- Has a McBeergut.