Oreos

Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:

  1. The whole thing all at once.
  2. One bite at a time.
  3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
  4. In little feverous nibbles.
  5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee…).
  6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
  7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
  8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
  9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
  10. I don’t have a favorite way because I don’t like Oreos.

Your Personality:

  • The whole thing
    This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.
  • One bite at a time
    You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that’s okay, not to worry, you’re normal.
  • Slow and Methodical
    You follow the rules. You’re very tidy and orderly. You’re very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you’re only going to go the speed limit.
  • Feverous Nibbles
    Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.
  • Dunked
    Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.
  • Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie.
    You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.
  • Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie.
    You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that’s ok, you don’t care, you got yours.
  • Just the cookie, not the inside.
    You enjoy pain.
  • I just like to lick them, not eat them.
    Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help – immediately.
  • I don’t have a favorite way, I don’t like Oreos.
    You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a priss.

Easter Story Cookies

You will need the following ingredients:

  • 1 cup whole pecans
  • 1 teaspoon vinegar
  • 3 egg whites
  • A pinch salt
  • 1 cup sugar
  • A zipper baggie
  • A wooden spoon
  • Tape
  • Bible
  • Your children

Preheat oven to 300 F.

Place pecans in zipper baggie and let children beat them with the wooden spoon to break into small pieces. Explain that after Jesus was arrested He was beaten by the Roman soldiers.
Read John 19:1-3.

Let each child smell the vinegar. Put 1 teaspoon of vinegar into mixing bowl. Explain that when Jesus was thirsty on the cross, He was given vinegar to drink.
Read John 19:28-30.

Add egg whites to vinegar. Eggs represent life. Explain that Jesus gave His life to give us life.
Read John 10:10-11.

Sprinkle a little salt into each child’s hand. Let them taste it and brush the rest into the bowl. Explain that this represents the salty tears shed by Jesus’ followers, and the bitterness of our own sin.
Read Luke 23:27.

So far the ingredients are not very appetizing. Add 1 cup sugar. Explain that the sweetest part of the story is that Jesus died because He loves us. He wants us to know and belong to Him.
Read Psalms 34:8 and John 3:16.

Beat with a mixer on high speed for 12 to 15 minutes until stiff peaks are formed. Explain that the color white represents the purity in God’s eyes of those whose sins have been cleansed by Jesus.
Read Isaiah 1:18 and John 3:1-3.

Fold in broken nuts. Drop by teaspoons onto wax paper covered cookie sheet. Explain that each mound represents the rocky tomb where Jesus’ body was laid.
Read Matthew 27:57-60.

Put the cookie sheet in the oven, close the door and turn the oven OFF. Give each child a piece of tape and seal the oven door. Explain that Jesus’ tomb was sealed.
Read Matthew 27:65-66.

GO TO BED!
Explain that they may feel sad to leave the cookies in the oven overnight. Jesus’ followers were in despair when the tomb was sealed.
Read John 16:20 and 22.

On Easter morning, open the oven and give everyone a cookie. Notice the cracked surface and take a bite. The cookies are hollow! On the first Easter Jesus’ followers were amazed to find the tomb open and empty.
Read Matthew 28:1-9.

HE HAS RISEN!!!!

Why Chemists Don’t Write Cookbooks

Chocolate Chip Cookies

Ingredients:

  1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
  2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
  3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
  4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
  5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
  6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
  7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
  8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
  9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
  10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation.

In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogeneous.

To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston’s first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

Cat Poop Cookies

Here, by popular request (believe it or not) is the recipe for the infamous disgusting cookies that look like cats poops (rolled in grape-nuts, which makes lovely fake kitty litter.) Last warning — many of you may not want to read this!

There are two flavors-chocolate (dark brown), and gingerbread (light brown).

The author seldom measured carefully, so the amounts may need adjustment, especially on flavoring. The cookies are dense and not very sweet, this is necesssary so that they will keep their shape during baking. If you use white flour or sugar, they may be tastier but they won’t look like poopies.

Chocolate ingredients:

  • 1/2 cup honey
  • 2/3 cup (1 and 1/3 stick) butter, margarine, or lard
  • 1 egg
  • 1 tsp vanilla or peppermint extract
  • 2 cups whole wheat flour
  • 1/3 cup cocoa powder
  • Grape-Nuts(tm) cereal

Gingerbread ingredients:

  • 1/4 cup honey
  • 1/4 cup molasses
  • 2/3 cup(1 and 1/3 stick) butter or margarine, or lard
  • 1 egg
  • 2 and 1/3 cups whole wheat flour
  • spices-ginger, cinnamon, cloves to taste (maybe 1/2 tsp each)
  • Grape-Nuts(tm) cereal

Mix-ins:

  • Coconut = tapeworms
  • Chocolate chips = poop chunks!
  • Butterscotch chips = diarrhea!
  • Peanut butter chips = diarrhea!
  • Cooked spagetti or ramen noodles = roundworms
  • Corn = self explanatory!
  • Peanuts = chunks
  • M&Ms = decoration?

To Make:

Microwave the honey till it bubbles (about 1 minute). Add the butter, (I’ve been told using lard makes for a more realistic texture and softer cookie) and the molasses, if any. Add the egg, mix well, then mix in all the other stuff. Add mix-ins of your choice to some or all of the batter. Chill 1 hour in the freezer or several hours in the fridge. Roll dough logs of random length and the diameter of cat poops. Roll logs in grape-nuts and bake at 350 degrees till done (about 20 minutes, but this varies so watch them.)

Serve in a disposable cat litter box on a bed of grapenuts, with a cat litter scoop. I hear you get lovely effects by decorating the box and scoop with melted chocolate or pudding. Brown sugar might work as a substitute for the new clumping litters…

Mixing brown sugar with the grapenuts “sweetens up the cookie a bit while still looking truly hideous.”

This recipe worked especially well at the Hallowe’en party where the table was already decorated with plastic flies.

Cookie Monsters

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother’s delicious chocolate chip cookies and proceeded on my way.

Later, I was stopped by another trooper. “What have I done?” I asked.

“Nothing,” the trooper said, smiling. “I heard you were passing out great chocolate chip cookies.”