Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no Equal ™:
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks:
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life: and
I will dwell in the House of Mocha’s forever.
Amen
Tag Archives: coffee
I’m Having a Problem…
I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly.
At the window, there was a delay. Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated.
“I’m having a problem,” she announced. “The ice keeps melting.”
You Know You’ve Had Too Much Coffee When…
- Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
- You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You’ve worn the finish off you coffee table.
- The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- Starbuck’s owns the mortgage on your house.
- You’re so wired you pick up FM radio.
- Your life’s goal is to “amount to a hill of beans.”
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
- You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar”.
- Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If…
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You sleep with your eyes open.
- You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
- The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
- You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
- You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people’s fingernails.
- The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
- You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
- You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- You don’t sweat, you percolate.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- You channel surf faster without a remote.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You help your dog chase its tail.
- You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
- Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
- You ski uphill.
- You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
- You answer the door before people knock.
- You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
All I Need to Know About Life I Learned by Drinking Coffee
- I am productive! I am productive! I am productive!
- Better latte than never.
- A day without coffee is like night…you sleep through it.
- We all have to do the daily grind.
- Espresso yourself.
- Automatic drip defines most people’s personalities.
- Stand your grounds.
- If the spoon doesn’t dissolve, it ain’t coffee.
- I love the caffeine; it’s the rich taste I could do without.
- Don’t stop till you’re shaking.
- Impatience is a virtue.
- Take two cups and call me in the middle of the night.
- Who needs sleep when you’ve got coffee?
- There’s no rest for the caffeinated.
- Decaf is for sissies.
- Man cannot live by coffee alone – donuts are pretty essential too.
- There is no such thing as a free refill.
- It’s okay to be full of beans sometimes.