Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no Equal ™:
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks:
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life: and
I will dwell in the House of Mocha’s forever.

I’m Having a Problem…

I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly.

At the window, there was a delay. Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated.

“I’m having a problem,” she announced. “The ice keeps melting.”

You Know You’ve Had Too Much Coffee When…

  • Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
  • You lick your coffeepot clean.
  • Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
  • You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
  • You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  • You’ve worn the finish off you coffee table.
  • The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  • Starbuck’s owns the mortgage on your house.
  • You’re so wired you pick up FM radio.
  • Your life’s goal is to “amount to a hill of beans.”
  • You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
  • You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar”.
  • Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If…

  • You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  • You sleep with your eyes open.
  • You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
  • The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
  • You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
  • You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
  • Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  • You chew on other people’s fingernails.
  • The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
  • You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
  • You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
  • You can jump-start your car without cables.
  • You don’t sweat, you percolate.
  • You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
  • You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  • You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  • People get dizzy just watching you.
  • Instant coffee takes too long.
  • You channel surf faster without a remote.
  • You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  • You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  • You short out motion detectors.
  • You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  • Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  • You help your dog chase its tail.
  • You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
  • Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
  • You ski uphill.
  • You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
  • You answer the door before people knock.
  • You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

All I Need to Know About Life I Learned by Drinking Coffee

  • I am productive! I am productive! I am productive!
  • Better latte than never.
  • A day without coffee is like night…you sleep through it.
  • We all have to do the daily grind.
  • Espresso yourself.
  • Automatic drip defines most people’s personalities.
  • Stand your grounds.
  • If the spoon doesn’t dissolve, it ain’t coffee.
  • I love the caffeine; it’s the rich taste I could do without.
  • Don’t stop till you’re shaking.
  • Impatience is a virtue.
  • Take two cups and call me in the middle of the night.
  • Who needs sleep when you’ve got coffee?
  • There’s no rest for the caffeinated.
  • Decaf is for sissies.
  • Man cannot live by coffee alone – donuts are pretty essential too.
  • There is no such thing as a free refill.
  • It’s okay to be full of beans sometimes.