What Kind of Coffee Drinker Are You?

  • When ordering coffee at a shop, what size do you generally prefer?
    1. Large
    2. Extra Large
    3. Bladder Buster 2000 (c)
  • What do you enjoy most about coffee?
    1. The aroma
    2. The flavor.
    3. The chest pains.
  • Finish this sentence: “When I’m not drinking coffee, I’m…”
    1. …thinking about coffee.
    2. …planning on drinking coffee soon.
    3. …eating coffee grounds.
  • What kind of bean do you prefer?
    1. Sumatran
    2. Guatemalan
    3. I don’t care, JUST GIVE ME SOME NOW!!
  • Finish this sentence: “Coffee makes me…”
    1. Think better.
    2. Feel better.
    3. ttTTtypPPpeEE bettRReeRr.
  • If a waitperson asks if you would like a coffee refill, you answer:
    1. “Yes, please.”
    2. “Of course.”
    3. “Well, duh!”
  • An extremely cute guy/gal asks you if they can share your coffee with you. What do you do?
    1. Say, “Sure!”
    2. Say, “No, thank you.”
    3. Threaten bodily harm.
  • What best describes coffee?
    1. Delicious refreshment.
    2. A quick pick-me-up.
    3. Life blood.
  • How close is the closest coffee shop to your home?
    1. More than three city blocks.
    2. Less than three city blocks.
    3. I’m homeless. I spent all my money on coffee.
  • What’s the worst part about drinking coffee?
    1. The aftertaste.
    2. Stopping.
    3. Can you repeat the question? I haven’t slept in four days…
  • Scoring:
    All 1 answers get 10 points.
    All 2 answers get 5 points.
    All 3 answers get 2 points.

    100 – 50 = You like to drink coffee.
    50 – 22 = You like to drink coffee a lot.
    20 = You could drink Juan Valdez under the table.

Caffeine Addict’s Quiz

Do you want to know if you suffer from “Alertness Deficit Disorder” (ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine. ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans every year. If that doesn’t scare you, let’s just say that you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL.

The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on.

  1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?
  2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it’s easier?
  3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?
  4. Do you find that it’s easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep?
  5. Have you ever drunk:
    a) cold coffee?
    b) Right out of the pot?
  6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee related products?
  7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?
  8. Has anyone ever told you that you “have a problem”?
  9. Do you need coffee:
    a) to get up in the morning?
    b) to get out of bed?
    c) to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?
  10. Do you own a “Coffee Helmet”? (For the culturally ignorant, a coffee-helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free drinking.)
  11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you “Ona mac towanda” (Smells-like-coffee)?
  12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as well as by its frequency?
  13. Have you ever sold personal or other people’s possessions just to get your fix for the day?
  14. Does the phrase “Swiss water decaffeinated” strike terror into your heart?
  15. a) Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house?
    b) …in more than five?
    c) …in your bathroom?
  16. a) Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee cards anymore?
    b) …because you’re wearing out their hole-punch?
    c) …and it’s bad for the environment?
  17. Do you grind your own coffee?
  18. Do you grow your own coffee?
  19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you’re “drinking their profits”?
  20. a) Do you know Juan Valdez?
    b) …and his donkey?
    c) …intimately?
  21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?
  22. a) Is sleep a hobby of yours?
    b) …that you don’t like?
    c) …because it’s too frustrating?
Response Ratio Addiction Factor(TM) Analysis
Yes No
20-22  0-2 You are a well-rounded member of society with a love for life and you are very wise.
17-19  3-5 You are a slightly jagged member of society, life’s okay but it could be better and you are relatively naive.
 0-16  6-22  What are you, some kinda nature-freak tree-hugger!? Coffee’s not good enough for you, huh? Here, have some more TOFU! How about some ALFALFA TEA?!?

You Know You’ve Had Too Much Coffee When…

  • Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
  • You lick your coffeepot clean.
  • Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
  • You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
  • You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  • You’ve worn the finish off you coffee table.
  • The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  • Starbuck’s owns the mortgage on your house.
  • You’re so wired you pick up FM radio.
  • Your life’s goal is to “amount to a hill of beans.”
  • You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
  • You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar”.
  • Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

You’re Addicted to Your PDA When…

  • You’ve caught yourself tapping buttons on your computer screen.
  • When you pick up a pen or pencil you immediately notice how thick it feels.
  • When using pen and paper, you have to force yourself to move your hand across the page as you write.
  • Your regular handwriting includes Graffiti characters (and you don’t notice until someone else points it out).
  • When asked for your business card you pull out your Palm.
  • You and your dog are the only ones in your family who can hear your Palm’s alarm.
  • A color screen seems like overkill.
  • You own a pen that won’t write on paper.
  • Your idea of an emergency kit includes a paper clip.
  • You’ve used your Palm as a flashlight.

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If…

  • You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  • You sleep with your eyes open.
  • You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
  • The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
  • You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
  • You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
  • Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  • You chew on other people’s fingernails.
  • The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
  • You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
  • You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
  • You can jump-start your car without cables.
  • You don’t sweat, you percolate.
  • You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
  • You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  • You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  • People get dizzy just watching you.
  • Instant coffee takes too long.
  • You channel surf faster without a remote.
  • You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  • You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  • You short out motion detectors.
  • You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  • Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  • You help your dog chase its tail.
  • You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
  • Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
  • You ski uphill.
  • You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
  • You answer the door before people knock.
  • You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

The Forwarders 12 Step Program

  1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON’T forward an email!
  2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
  3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria’s Secret doesn’t know anything about a gift certificate they’re supposed to send me.
  4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
  5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
  6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail … NEVER –NEVER !!
  7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
  8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN’T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.
  9. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
  10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!
  11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
  12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don’t believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!

Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out!

Just Kidding…

How to Tell You’re an Email Junkie

  • You wake up at 3 am to go the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
  • You name your children Eudora, Aol and Dotcom.
  • You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
  • You spend half of the plane ride with your laptop on your lap…and your child in the overhead compartment.
  • You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
  • You laugh at people with 33.6 baud modems.
  • You start using smileys in your snail mail.
  • You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com
  • You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
  • You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem.
  • You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.
  • You don’t know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.
  • You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
  • You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html.
  • You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
  • After reading this message, you immediately email it to a friend.
  • After forwarding this to everyone in your address book, you share it on Facebook.

Webbed Bliss

Know what you call webmeisters who get married? …….Newlywebs.

Let me share some of the newlywebbed bliss with you. Most folks would register at Macy’s or Foley’s or Dilliard’s or some place normal. Not Dick and Jane. They’re registered with PC Warehouse and Mac Connection (URLs available upon request).

The families did require Dick and Jane to provide a more traditional list of wants and needs however. So ultimately, they compiled, er, complied. They included the normal stuff… blender, toaster oven, electric mixer, food processor. But they categorized them all as ‘plug-ins.’

There was a moment or two of roughness. Jane kept arguing that communication was important in a marriage, so Dick finally bought another computer and a second phone line so he and Jane could chat. The topic of their first real spat though…Mac vs. Windows.

At work, Dick has been introducing Jane as his future “service provider.” Turn-about is fair play, of course; and Jane isn’t referring to Dick as her future husband. She says he’s a forthcoming Add-On (currently in Beta release).

Thus far at all showers and pre-ceremony events Dick and Jane have seemed very happy. How happy? It’s sickening. They keep tilting their heads sideways to smile at each other. 🙂

Now, don’t get me wrong. Dick and Jane are very serious about this endeavor. They have put an access counter on the door to the church and the reception hall. The reception will be a little bare compared to most though. They’re serving cookies and java.

The plan for the wedding? Dick and Jane have written the ceremony themselves…in HTML. The ushers will just pass out little slips of paper with URLS. All invitations came with a little slip of paper that said ‘This wedding best viewed with Netscape Navigator.’

Dick and Jane will spend all their days and nights of their honeymoon…. [the remainder of message has been censored by the Coalition for A Clean Internet].

Signs You Are Webbed Out

  • Your opening line is, “So what’s your home page address?”
  • Your best friend is someone you’ve never met.
  • You see a beautiful sunset, and you half expect to see “Enhanced for Internet Explorer 9” on one of the clouds.
  • You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed when you encounter a Web page with no links.
  • You feel driven to consult the “Cool Page of the Day” on your wedding day.
  • You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on puddle, sending your car careening toward the flimsy guard rail that separates you from the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death. You look for the “Back” button.
  • You visit “The Really Big Button that Doesn’t Do Anything” again and again and again.
  • Your dog has his own Web page.
  • So does your hamster.
  • When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.

But, I’m Not Addicted!!!

The longest I’ve been online is 24 hours and part of that time was spent face down on the keyboard, trying to keep a closer eye on what my fingers were doing. That’s not an easy job with your eyes closed! Some things coming up on the screen were really strange! But, I’m not addicted…

I enjoy searching the web. I have stayed up all night more than once following link, after link, after link…. I just want to know how far one will go before it breaks and there’s no where to go but home – It’s not an addiction – it’s a quest for knowledge!

So what if the house work isn’t done — it’s not condemnable — Yet. A clean house is not a priority — at least not until there’s a camera hook up so other cyber folks can see this pig sty.

Exercise? Who needs it? My arm and wrist are almost nonexistent now from exercising my mouse.

Family doesn’t understand that this is my life support system — Not an addiction!

I have a shelf at my desk with snacks so I don’t have to cook; I’ve installed outlets next to the PC for my coffee pot, and my Coke’s remain at my side in a cooler box… need that caffeine!

I replaced my desk chair with a recliner. I NEED one with a concealed potty chair. It would help if it also had a spot to keep all my PC Novice magazines.

The family’s reaction to having my head shaved to allow more time for the net was totally unacceptable. No matter what they say, I am NOT border-line nutsville!

And now they claim to be concerned about my eyesight!

Hey, wouldn’t you rather look at a monitor than a filthy house?!?!