Marriage Definitions

  • Bachelor
    A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
    A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
    A man who never makes the same mistake once.
    A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.
    A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
    The only man who has never told his wife a lie.
  • Bride
    A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
  • Compromise
    An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.
  • Diplomat
    A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.
  • Gentleman
    A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling.
    A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.
  • Housework
    What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn’t do it.
  • Husband
    A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.
    A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife’s permission to say so.
  • Joint Checking Account
    A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the husband to the draw.
  • Love
    An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
  • Miss
    A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.
  • Mistress
    Something between a mister and a mattress.
  • Mother-in-Law
    A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
  • Mrs.
    A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.
  • Spouse
    Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single in the first place.
  • Wife
    A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.

Wrong Answer

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.”

“If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,” the wife asks, “would she sleep in our bed?”

“Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It’s going to last a long time, so I guess she would.”

“If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?”

“Oh, no,” the husband replies. “She’s left-handed.”

Wedding Messages

  • The Bureau of Meteorology forecasts rainstorms so the bride can expect a few good inches overnight.
  • Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch installments.
  • “The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
  • “Confucious say man who sink into womans arms soon have arms in womans sink.
  • Sorry I cannot be at Wedding… Please send me a photo of Bride and Groom Mounted.
  • Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and She’ll last for many years.
  • Don’t keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door.
  • Treat him like a flower… grab him by the stalk.
  • If you don’t want the Stork to come, Shoot in the air.
  • Go for it mate. We all did!
  • All the best from Mr and Mrs Farkin and all the Farkin kids.
  • She offered her honor, He honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.
  • Don’t Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an Off-Spring next Spring.
  • Hope you honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, One long hard route.
  • Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whisky makes you Frisky, but its a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.
  • Travel Agency to Bride: The groom’s face leaves at midnight. Be on it.
  • Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.
  • Football coach to bride: If you’ve tried him in 18 positions and he’s still no good, pull him off.
  • Treat the Bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.

Important Wedding Information

  • Announcement:
    It is the responsibility of the bride’s family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school
    yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (DO NOT include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the brides parents, it is NOT necessary to specify where in the house you will reside).
  • Invitations:
    Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free stuff, you MUST send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy. Something like “You are invited to watch so-and so and so-and-so make it legal on ______” will suffice nicely. If you don’t want to be so formal you can always run down to the local bar and yell “If you ain’t doing nothin’ on _____ why don’t you stop by my house for a cold one about 2 o’clock. Me and the Missus-to-be are having some friends over to watch the ball game and witness our wedding.”
  • Proper Attire:
    For the bride, the key words are “be conservative.” No matter how good it may look, refrain from wedding outfits made with spandex or adorned with fringe. Excessive slits and dips also are frowned upon. This is NOT the occasion to show the world how big “THEY” are.

    For the groom, a rented tuxedo is haute couture, but if it means the difference between going on a honeymoon and staying home, consider some alternatives. For example, a leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean work shirt can create a natty appearance. And though possibly uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

  • The Ceremony:
    No matter how urgent the event, loaded weapons have no place at the altar. At the point in the ceremony that says, “If anybody has any reason why these two should no be joined in holy matrimony…” tell the preacher not to pause too long, old flames sometimes die hard and talk too much. As the ceremony is concluded, you and and your new spouse should realize that a short kiss will do. This is neither the time nor the place to demonstrate your sexual expertise to the world. That’s why the video camera was invented.
  • Reception:
    Remember to reserve the UAW hall far in advance, and avoid Saturdays, since that’s bingo night. It is perfectly acceptable to ask guests to wipe their feet before entering the hall. After all the cleaning deposit can be the difference between an oil change and a full tune-up for the car. When dancing never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is!!
  • Common Wedding Questions and Answers:
    Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
    A: NOT if you are the groom.

    Q: How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
    A: At least one within a week of the wedding.

    Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
    A: Anything except “Tied to the Whipping Post”.

And You Wonder *Why* It Didn’t Last

  • She married him because he was such a “strong man”
    She divorced him because he was such a “dominating male.”
  • He married her because she was so “fragile and petite.”
    He divorced her because she was so “weak and helpless.”
  • She married him because “he knows how to provide a good living.”
    She divorced him because “all he thinks about is business.”
  • He married her because “she reminds me of my mother.”
    He divorced her because “she’s getting more like her mother every day.”
  • She married him because he was “happy and romantic.”
    She divorced him because he was “shiftless and fun-loving.”
  • He married her because she was “steady and sensible.”
    He divorced her because she was “boring and dull.”
  • She married him because he was “the life of the party.”
    She divorced him because “he never wants to come home from a party.”

Signs Your Mate is Cheating on You

  • Carpools with Devine Brown.
  • Motel 6 names him “Customer of the Year.”
  • Mysterious phone calls in the middle of the night from some guy named “President Bill.”
  • You intercept a love note signed by all of the Oakland Raiders.
  • That naked guy standing in the corner pretending to be a hat rack isn’t fooling anyone.
  • Starts buying those lame excuses you give when you get home late from your mistress’s house.
  • Glenn Close speeds by your house every twenty minutes.
  • Models new lingerie saying, “If you were my lover, would this turn you on?”
  • The smell of Brut is all over her, and you’re strictly an Old Spice man.
  • Asks you how you would feel about appearing on “Jenny Jones”.
  • Every night: comes home late, carves another notch in the bedpost and giggles himself to sleep.
  • The cat has that “I know something that you don’t know” look.
  • Bill Cosby called her as a character witness.
  • Closet full of Gideon Bibles.
  • Raoul the pool-boy is always hanging around, and you have NO pool!
  • Amy Fisher shoots you in the head.

Seven Ages of the Married Cold

  • 1st year
    The husband says, “Oh, sweetie pie, I’m really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There’s no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that’s been going around. I’m going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I’m going to bring you some takeout from Tosini’s. I’ve already arranged it with the head nurse.”
  • 2nd year
    “Listen, honey, I don’t like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he’s going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don’t you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?”
  • 3rd year
    “Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I’ll bring you something–do we have any canned soup around here?”
  • 4th year
    “No sense wearing yourself out when you’re under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids’ baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!”
  • 5th year
    “Why don’t you take a couple aspirin?”
  • 6th year
    “You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!”
  • 7th year
    “For Pete’s sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You’d better pick up some tissues while you’re at the store.”

The Secret to Making a Marriage Last

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.

  • Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
  • We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in NY.
  • I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
  • I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
    “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!”
    So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”
  • We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
  • She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
  • My wife told me the car wasn’t running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me “In the lake.”
  • My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
  • She had a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off…
  • She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”

The Lighter Side of Marriage

  • Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
  • Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
  • Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
  • Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
  • Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under the man’s eyes.
  • Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
  • Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
  • Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
    In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
    In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
    In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBORS listen
  • It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
  • Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
  • It’s true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get MARRIED!
  • There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
  • A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
  • Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
    Father: I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it.
  • Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries.
    Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
  • There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married…and then it was too late!”
  • Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
  • They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
  • When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
  • There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.


Golden Anniversary

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a Ft. Worth cafe, four elderly Texas ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the “good old days.”

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, “Roy, aren’t you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?”

“Yup, we sure are,” Roy replied.

“Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?” another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, “For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to San Antonio. For our 50th, I’m thinking ’bout going down there again to pick her up.”